The total keeps increasing with each round of treatment, 21 rounds complete, 4 of the newest targeted medicine. Do I feel confident that the medicine is doing its job and actually killing any cancer cells that could be hiding? Truthfully, no. Do I have HOPE that is? Yes. It is hard to be overly confident when the last time I was told all the cancer was gone while receiving both standard chemotherapy and targeted treatments. Being realistic is a place that I am happy to chill in this time.

My mom came with me again for this round.

I think she has a little bit too much fun while she is there. First she roamed the entire infusion center looking at all the quilts that have been donated. Then she decided we both needed flu shots and since they had lots of needles here, it was the perfect place to receive them. Last she asked every nurse and patient about the port pillows that she makes and we donate. My mom is pretty laid back, dare I say quiet when compared to my father, but not today! She was walking into nurse’s stations and grabbing port pillows asking patients if they needed them. Then she lectured the nurses on needing to offer more than one so they had enough for all their vehicles. I mean, it’s true, you need one for every vehicle because with chemo brain you forget to grab that thing 90% of the time. She had me grinning the whole time.

The port pillows is something that has been near and dear to our hearts since I got my first one a few years ago. My mom and I have even discussed the possibility of creating a page on the website to offer to mail port pillows to cancer patients. As much as I think we should I am hesitant to do it and then have a supply and demand issue. If you are reading this I would love input on it.

Today my oldest child turns 12. It isn’t a big birthday, no double digits, not officially a teen, nor able to buy lottery tickets or a beer, but for me, it’s everything. All of my life I dreamt of BEING a mom. In fact my mom loves to remind me that as a little girl I’d tell her I was going to have enough babies to fill up an 18-wheeler. It seems God knew that was a few too many and only graced us with three…thank you Lord! But today I’m a little more grateful that I was able to enter motherhood.

Life takes us on some unexpected journeys, many that we might never have picked for yourself. Those journeys are what define who we are, they chisel away revealing the ingrained character inside us that ultimately becomes a piece of our soul’s foundation. When first diagnosed with cancer I wished that it had struck me before I had my children, there by eliminating them from ever having this be a part of their own story. With the second diagnosis I prayed that the cancer would leave and wait till I was in my golden years allowing me to relish every milestone of my kids lives. But for reasons unknown to me, This moment is when cancer is suppose to be a part of my family, and my life.

I may never know why this time is when I was suppose to have cancer, but there is one thing I do know. My fear of cancer effecting my children gets a bit smaller each day. There are so many things I want to teach them, and as crazy as it sounds cancer is helping me do it.

In a world we’re kindness seems to be shown by hitting “like” and less about actions, my kids are realizing that words and actions matter. They are seeing first hand how the smallest gesture of help can bring an abundance of blessings to the person on the receiving end. My little family has been on the receiving end of this type of kindness numerous times, and when we have had the opportunity to help others in need, my kids have rallied to do it. Two years ago I’m sure they would have helped me but there would have been lots of complaining.

Today, as I watched my girls bear hug their brother (while he pretended to hate it), I couldn’t help a bittersweet feeling roll over me. The relationship that they have is so much closer and deeper because they have a mom that has cancer. I watched them and thought, no matter what happens to me they will have each other. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

So today, the day I became a mother, I am a little more appreciative of this role.

My radiation oncologist did tell me that the effects of radiation would continue for five days past my last treatment, and, he was correct. The most intense burning, heat, and true pain was at the worst on day five. How people go though radiation with blisters and open wounds or scabs, I have no idea, truly. The amount of “discomfort” would be phenomenal! Please, take a minute and think about the different areas of our body that cancer can grow and radiation could be needed….I spoke with a woman whose mother had vaginal cancer and needed radiation…there are no words. I will say it again, I am lucky to have this specific type of cancer.

In case you forgot I had all my lymph nodes radiated but the mammary ones because they were too close to my heart. The larger area radiated, my breast, back, and armpit started to peel last week end. I went to bed with a blood red, fire breathing patch of skin and woke up to a snake shedding its skin.

It was pretty disgusting if you would like to know. The skin fell off in pretty small pieces and all while being asleep. Scott and I got out of bed that morning and I started screaming. That flaked off skin looked like a million little bugs had tried to attack me while I slept. Since I had not removed my shirt I had no idea it was my skin. Let’s just say I didn’t need coffee to be alert that day.

As the skin started to fall off the heat went away with it. It felt like my skin had been holding it’s breath too long and could finally breath again. In the image above you can see it started to peel under the armpit and just below my implant. My clavicle is a different story.

My clavicle area was the least bothersome location out of all the treated areas. First, nothing really rubs against it or touches it. Second, the skin doesn’t get moved with every movement. However, it did not want to heal. Once the skin began to peel off of the radiation burn it looked like the image above. Now after the skin fell off it started to hurt. I could feel my heartbeat in it. Emery had some silvadine cream leftover from a burn she had so i started to put that on the darn spot. Thankfully this finally helped it start to heal.

Above are pictures of the two areas I took yesterday. It is clear to see that they look pretty darn good. There is still discoloration across my side, armpit, implant, and chest but, no open wounds. Scott said last night he feels like I am doing “too good” with this whole cancer thing. Everyone else we know with cancer keeps getting infections, needing additional injections, or is failing to the point of needing hospitalization, then there is me. I think there is a little fear that if everything goes well again the shoe will drop at the end of this.

The big question is why did my skin do so well and others does not? No idea. Of course, I tried my hardest to everything I could to help my body heal from the inside out. I drank a ton of water. I slept like a hibernating bear (umm, let’s be clear, still doing this one). I ate as many vegetables as I possibly could, then I made vegetable soup, in 104 degree weather, and forced myself to eat more. I lathered on lotions before the radiation even got started and reapplied multiple times a day. Take your pick, any one of those things could have been the reason. Then again it could just be that I am young and healthy. Well for a cancer patient!

If you are reading this and are going through radiation here are the products that I used on my skin. I purchased everything on Amazon because it was cheaper but you can find these at any Walmart or Target. They are linked directly to what I purchased (I am now an affiliate so will get a small commission if you do purchase them).

Aquaphor

Lanolin

Silver Gel

Dove bars of soap with no dye or scent

Pack of Men’s tagless extra soft breathable BLACK shirts - big enough for me to stretch on and not have to tug, breathable for the heat to escape, black so that I didn’t look like I was participating in a wet t-shirt contest that had one contestant 24 hours a day.

Saran Wrap - if you don’t want to wait for the lotions to absorb you can wrap yourself with this. I didn’t do this until week 4 and only then because I wanted that cream to stay on longer.

Heart pillows (from mastectomy) or small pillows to place under your arms so skin is not touching or rubbing. I now have 4 of these pillows, I LOVE THEM!

Medical gloves if you don’t like touching sticky creams. I didn’t use them but it got to a point where I couldn’t move my body to reach all the areas that needed moisturizing and my kids had to have the gloves to help me.

Hydrocortisone cream - your skin starts to itch like a bad case of poison ivy. Made the mistake of gently scratching my chest area and ripped off a chunk of skin. Only did that once! I carried this in my purse or pocket at all times once the itching started.

Yesterday Scott shocked me by asking if I realized that we had entered month 16 of my fight against cancer. Could it really be month 16 already? To date I have had 9 surgeries, 19 rounds of chemo (and counting), and 25 radiation treatments. I have lost both my breasts, my nipples, my armpit lymph nodes on the left side of my body, and my hair. It is still hard to wake up each morning and remember that this is my life, so far from the one that 17 months ago I was living. Instead of focusing on what was I am trying to celebrate every small miracle that is granted to prolong my life and yesterday one of those milestones was met.

I have not written often over the duration of my radiation treatments. Truthfully, I don’t know what to say. Each day, five days a week, I go to the office, change into a hospital gown and sit in a waiting room full of other patients, all with cancer. Some days one of the patients wants to lament the fact they have cancer, other days a patient wants to tell their story, but most days we all sit and wait in silence. Once your name is called you walk into the radiation room and lay down on a hard metal table with the machine above your head ready to administer the treatment that might finally annihilate the cancer cells in your body that want to kill you. After your treatment is done you go back to the waiting room, change, and go home. There is only one exception to this routine and that is when the oncologist checks your skin to ensure it is still safe to radiate it. It is monotonous.

Radiation does not bring about an instantaneous side effect, like chemotherapy. Instead it takes weeks of being radiated daily to start to “see” how your body is handling the treatment. You are lulled into believing that your skin can take it because of this delay. I am pretty sure no one can get away unscathed from radiation. Below is how my skin looked at the beginning of each week of treatment. The X at the top left of my body is a sticker that they use to line me up with the radiation grid before each treatment. This is not a permanent tattoo like the dots on my body in previous posts. Most often they call the X your tumor marker.

Pictures do not capture exactly how discolored my skin got nor does it show how intense the heat is from the burned skin. In a post on social media I explained it as feeling like the entrance to Hell was through my armpit. To a friend I described it as having Satan sitting in my armpit. Either way my armpit and chest HURT. The pain is definitely getting worse. Over the past three nights I have been moaning so loudly in my sleep that it has woken Scott up. Last night I moved and the pain was so intense it woke me up.! Below is my skin after round 23.

With the pain intensifying it gives me great pleasure to say that I am officially now done with radiation and I have the diploma to prove it!

With how much I disliked radiation treatment, there was one component that I loved; my radiation technician team. Over the months and months of cancer treatment I can’t think of anything I would label “fun” but seeing them each day made it fun. They are going to forever be in my heart. I made them cookies and wrote them thank you cards but really that was not enough. When they came to get me from the waiting room they were signing “celebrate today, come on!” while clapping and dancing around. I am really going to miss them.

I want to feel some sense of finality but I am beginning to understand that it might never come. Cancer is a fight to survive. During that struggle you straddle the line between life and death as you consume every medicine or treatment in pursuit of adding days, months, or years to your life. I think that there is never a feeling of being done. So instead I will keep doing what I can and celebrating each milestone.

I have finished up week two of radiation and all I can say is the sooner it is over the better. Life feels like I am living inside a mud pit. No matter how hard I try to move faster, I can’t. My body feels like it is in slow motion. I feel a little out of body over the sensation because my mind, at times, seems to be moving at normal speed. I don’t know but the tiredness is not getting better as the chemo side effects settle in my body.

As frustrating as it is to fall asleep without attempting, even in the middle of a discussion, I am beginning to embrace it. My body is a hot mess, literally. I’m in bed by 6 if I am home. If not then by 8 at the latest. I might not like being sleepy but this past week has set me straight. I need a nap. It is a bit like having a newborn baby, but I am the newborn….

The patient waiting room at radiation is also not my cup of tea. First I am the youngest person in there by a solid 15, maybe even 20 years, and all these people do is complain about getting cancer. It is reminiscent of the breast cancer class I had to go to after my bilateral mastectomy. I know it is wrong of me but I want to slap them. Am I sorry they got cancer? Yes, yes I am. But it is hard for me to sit and listen to them complain that they may not get to see their grandchild graduate from college. No joke I sit there trying to tune them out because if not I am afraid I will scream at them…obviously I need to start doing more yoga.

Later tonight I will snap a picture of my skin after week two. So far it looks okay but I have been warned side effects don’t show up until week three. Guess next week things are going to start getting dicey.

As much as I want to do everything in my power to kill every speck of cancer in my body, I have been dreading the day that cancer treatment started back up again. The first time I did this I had no idea what to expect. There is something to be said about going in blind. I know how I am going to feel and I hate knowing that soon I will be worn down again. Adding radiation to the equation, and at the same time as chemo, means that the side effects are going to be more pronounced. I can tell you that Friday was a very, very long day.

In the morning I had my radiation treatment. When I got home I fed the kids and immediately fell asleep on the couch. My mom came to pick me up for my chemo at 1:15 and subsequently woke me. When I say I am tired I mean it.

Scott had a meeting so my mom waited with me until he could get to my appointment. With this being the first round of a new treatment I had to be monitored during and after the infusion. All that means is that the appointment was real long.

There is no way to prepare for chemo, especially when I knew what was coming. But I will say that I had worked it out in my head that this was still not going to be “as bad” as traditional chemotherapy, after all, it was a targeted chemotherapy treatment. I was wrong. When the nurse had to put on her hazmat suit (what I call the garments nurses have to put on when handling chemo meds) to get my medicine started I almost started to cry. I just really, really want this not to be what my life is. I really want to not NEED this medicine. But I do so there I sat as they explained all the allergic reactions I could have. It is truly terrifying knowing that you are willingly having something so toxic put into your body in the hopes of prolonging your life.

Thankfully I never had an allergic reaction. I was so tired it took everything in my power to stay awake in case I started to feel funny. By the time I was finished and Scott got me home all I wanted to do was shower off all the medical offices I had been in and go to bed. Which was exactly what I did and why I was alseep by 6 pm on Friday night. If you are wondering I didn’t wake up till 5 am the next morning.

So far in regards to side effects I am exhausted. It is more intense than when I had chemo a year ago. I feel broken-down. My stomach is unhappy so I am taking the anti-nausea medicines like candy. There is more muscle pain than I remember which makes me think the bone pain is going to show itself in the coming weeks. I have more headaches and I feel like it is from the chemo and radiation since they started shortly after I began rads.

It sucks but I am trying hard to be present especially for the kids. I made it to their swim meet yesterday and collapsed once we were finally home. Today I have hardly been able to get out of the chair my body is so weak. But I am glad I went yesterday. There is no guarantee that I will get to attend all their meets and I will not let Cancer steal another minute of my time with my children.

I have been dragging my feet on finding time to sit down and write over the last week because once I do things seem more real and there is still a very large piece of me that fiercely wants THIS to not be my life, or another chapter to my story. It is a hard acceptance.

Last week I had my orientation for radiation. It involved a bunch of CT images and was followed up by me receiving my first, and only ever, tattoos.

The small dot above is not a mole, that is the tattoo for radiation alignment. I have two additional “dots”, one between my breast and the other under my armpit on the opposite side. While laying down on the table a red grid is used to line up your body into the perfect spot ensuring the radiation hits the correct spot at each treatment.

I also have a this beautiful sharpie X above my left implant that is covered by waterproof tape. This has to remain on my body for the duration of the 25 rounds. The mark also helps the radiation techs find the right spot during each round of radiation. Can I just tell you I am glad that the X is not permanent?

Above is not the machine that gives the radiation treatment, it is a normal CT machine. A “map” of my breast had to be made for the doctor to graph where the radiation needs to be given. They use the CT imaging to create this map. The reason I have the picture is for the “pillow” on the table. That is my special pillow for each treatment. Once they have me in the exact location they want me in, that pillow is inflated with air and my name written on it. It might sound comfortable but it is not. After being inflated it is rock hard. I hate it.

I am not allowed to have my phone with me in the actual treatment room so I had Scott take this picture before he had to leave the room. The kids always want to know what is happening and what the machine looks like, so I used this image to show them and explain. The physical radiation machine is all open and moves around your body in a circular motion. Depending on where you are being treated the radiation can be administered on the top of your body or underneath you through your back. I am getting both and can feel a much warmer sensation when the radiation is given underneath me than on the top.

Monday I started this treatment. Today is Wednesday (3:13 right now). I am not a fan of radiation so far. It is just not comfortable. The actual treatment only takes about 15 minutes but the waiting and attempting (it is still hard for me to get my arms above my head fully) to keep my arms above my head without shaking is difficult. You are not suppose to feel anything but I can feel a warmth as the radiation is given. Afterwards I lather myself up like a Thanksgiving turkey in hopes of salvaging my skin and any burning or wounds that might come in the next few weeks.

Truthfully it is a super weird treatment. I think I am going to have to start researching how it was created, and by whom because as I lay there each day I am fascinated that someone was able to devise this insane procedure.

The side effects are suppose to be manageable and two days in I can say so far so good. I am more tired than usual and have upped my coffee intake to get through the day. Pretty sure no one wants to be reminded of my bowels, but the short reprieve from diarrhea is over…go figure that is the side effect I get again. One good thing is that the chemo I will be getting is known to cause constipation so perhaps they will counterbalance each other and I will be normal?! Probably not, but I am going to go with a glass half full approach and be hopeful. As for chemo my first treatment will be this Friday. Yippee, skippy.

Every one wants to know how I am, and the answer is fine. Really, I loathe that question. First I get asked it over and over. I hate it. I don’t want to talk about cancer. I don’t want to be reminded that I am fighting this stupid, horrible disease again. I don’t want cancer to be any part of my life. The last week I got to go back to being “normal” again. I got to be Brody, Reyna, and Emery’s mom. I got to be Scott’s wife. I had a normal amount of energy and even attempted a run. I felt like me, the old me, before cancer. There was no one asking how treatment was, how surgery went, how I was doing. It was one of the best weeks of my life….and now, it is over.

I believe that I am tough and that our mind has a huge impact on how we heal. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and that he still has a lot of work left he wants me to do. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in being hopeful. I believe that love can heal all things. These are the reasons I am fine. No matter how hard things get I just remind myself of those five things and I am good.

Physically I am starting to breakdown a bit and I am prepared for it to get worse. Mentally I am still really sad. There are moments where I sit and sob in the shower, but that’s okay. I am also really happy. I am still here on this Earth with Scotty and my babies to wrap my arms around. I guess I am becoming bipolar. You would have to ask my mom, but I don’t think I have ever been one to complain, it doesn’t change the outcome. You live the life that you have been given and that is what I am going to continue to do, no matter how many times I have to restart this battle.

I don’t know how to do this so I am going to go with the approach I used last time, ripping off the band-aid.

I have cancer…..again.

If you are a little shocked reading that, good, so am I. In fact, I think I had my first ever panic attack the night I was told.

The last blog post was right before what I thought was my last targeted chemo infusion. If you read it then you know that I had a lot of apprehension about not receiving anymore treatment and also the lack of scanning in the breast cancer community. When Scotty and I arrived for the infusion they checked us in like normal but as the nurse took us back she informed us that we were actually already done with treatment and they didn’t know why the appointment had ever been made.

It was confusing to be told that we would be done on a specific day for months and then told there was a miscalculation. We thought it was best to speak to our oncologist to confirm everything with her and to find out what happened. At no point were we upset or demanding but our oncologist was not happy about being asked to speak with us. There was a big scene with her when we were finally able to get her to come out after being told she was much too busy to take a few minutes to speak with us. Scott and I were both calm but the doctor was not. This was unfortunate and continued as we tried to leave as she came out into the hallway where she continued to speak boisterously at us for interrupting her day.

The scene was inappropriate and numerous bystanders witnessed it. One of the people that was watching came up to us after the doctor had left and introduced herself as a manager within the hospital’s quality of care department. She begged us to come file a grievance because although she didn’t know any specifics, what she had witnessed needed to be documented as it was not acceptable. This lead to multiple interviews and then a phone call the following week from the manager of the Oncology Department. During that interview my husband said we were questioning the treatment plan that I had been given and had lost trust in their care. The manager asked him how they could repair the relationship because we have 10 years of monitoring and want to have a good relationship. Scott responded that we should give me a scan to confirm that what they had done had actually worked and there was no cancer present in my body. So, a scan was ordered.

The incident that took place was terrible but without it I would not have been able to have a scan unless I became symptomatic. The truth is if I had to wait till that I would have probably died before getting it, especially with how aggressive my own cancer is. Sometimes the things we think are not blessings actually are. I think this is one of them.

On May 31st I went in and had a CT scan from my neck to my pelvis. That afternoon I got a call explaining that it showed an enlarged lymph node on my cancer side and standard protocol was to have it biopsied. They were able to get me in for the ultrasound and biopsy on Tuesday, June 4th. The following day I got a call confirming that it was breast cancer that had metastasized to the node. Yesterday Scott and I went to see the surgeon, a new one because my last surgeon is out having a surgery of her own. This is what we know so far:

1. The doctor’s aren’t sure if cancer returned or resisted the chemo and targeted treatments, either way it is not good news.

2. The cancer is still HER2+ also not good news because the wonder drug herceptin my cancer is immune to.

3. It is considered metastatic because it grew and spread outside of original cancer site.

4. The tumor or size of the lymph node is twice the size of the biggest tumor I had with initial diagnosis.

5. Saturday I will have a PET scan of my entire body to confirm if there is any distance metastatic disease, hopefully results are in by Monday.

6. Monday I will have an MRI of my brain. PET scans are not good indicators of disease in the brain which is why this is also needed.

7. Surgery will be scheduled for some time this week and will remove 35-40 lymph nodes from the left side armpit. There’s a pretty good chance I can lose more mobility in that arm and have lymphdema (swelling of the arm).

8. All treatment moving forward will be more aggressive with both radiation and chemo, both will be needed, for another year or longer.

9. We will be meeting with the Head Breast Cancer Oncologist for Northern California in the coming weeks to make sure that we are doing the right treatment to try to stop the cancer from spreading further.

Hopefully in the coming days we will get a few more answers and I will do my best to get on here to update it. I’ve had to curl inside myself the last few weeks to wrap my head and my heart around this.

I am unbearably sad. I don’t know if I have ever experienced a pain this deep. It literally takes my breath away. There is an undeniable longing in me to live on this Earth and see my children grow, to hold Scott tight to me. and grow old together. I am very frightened that I may not get to do that.

I am not giving up, I will fight this again, and every day that the Lord allows me to have, but I also know that I must be realistic. Every thing about cancer I have defied. I’m not the right age, I don’t eat an unhealthy diet, I exercise, I am not overly stressed ( well now I am). But I got cancer. Then I got one of the less common types, only 20% of all diagnosis are HER2+ only. I do treatment for a year with a drug that all the statistics shows is effective at attacking the HER2+ cells only to find out my cancer is more aggressive than most. Now with the recurrence so soon and outside of the original location each doctor is baffled by it and explains it is not common to see and there is a lack of research on what to do in this situation. One research study I found in a journal of medicine from Canada suggested it only happens in about 1% of recurrence cases. What that all means is I am beating the odds in the worst way.

Right now I have no idea how I am going to do this. I’ve switched my fruits, veggies, and meats to organic. I drink that ridiculous PH balanced water. I try to limit any unnecessary sugars. In the last year I have only skipped a workout a handful of times and only because I was medically unable to exercise. I don’t know what else I can change to make this cancer want to get the hell out of me. But, I will keep trying.

This is also not just about me but my family. The first time was rough, this is going to be even worse. Scott and I are trying very hard to be as open and honest with the kids as we can. That alone is a gut wrenching experience. We have told them that it is okay to be sad and cry, to talk to our family or friends if it helps them, and to ask us any questions that they want. The past few days have been really hard. If you are near us please be gentle with Scott and my kids. It feels as if I had to rip the scab off a healing wound.

If there is anything that I could ask it would be to give comfort to those around me. When someone gets cancer the entire family gets cancer. I know that they feel helpless and are going to need more comfort and love than me because they are constantly lifting me up. Please don’t contact them to get information, come to the blog, I will keep it up to date as soon as I know new information.

I might be sad when you see me and a little more quiet than usual. There may be moments that I cry for no reason. I may have to hug your children when they are around me because they bring me such incredible joy. I want to be surrounded by life and happiness. So many of you that will be reading this provide me and my family with that. I know I didn’t do this but I am sorry that so many people around me are going to feel discomfort, and so many children will have to know about this disease and the immense pain that it can bring. I wish it was different, but wishes don’t all come true.

As I pray for the ability to understand the path that is in front of me and the strength to overcome, I also ask for those around me to be comforted. It takes a village and mine is filled with exceptional men, women, and children. I am grateful to have each of you in my life. I know that what awaits me in the coming days, weeks, and months will be harder than what lays behind me. I will say that I am ready, scared beyond belief, but ready.

So, here we go again.

I'm late actually getting to this post since my infusion was over a week ago. No excuses, I didn’t have the mental energy to sit down and do it. My youngest is sick with some nasty sinus infection that has spread to her throat. So instead of resting and posting the blog I sat in the doctor office and pharmacy, made her favorite vegetable soup from scratch, and spent a bunch of time with her laying on top of me on the couch. That is not a complaint, I embrace the chaos of every day life, in fact I cherish it. Nothing like cancer to make you long for more days hearing your kids whine!

Round 17 was pretty routine. Scotty has decided to make it to the last few rounds of treatment. As he told me he has started this thing with me and he will end it with me. God found me the most perfect man for me and I am grateful.

I think he wears the same shirt every time….

You can’t see in the picture that well but I am finally beginning to have eyelashes begin to grow back and stay. I have missed them so very much! Each morning I spend a solid minute just starring at my eyes and thinking how lovely they look with eyelashes. Eyelashes make a person look less sick, who knew?! The odd red ring around my eyes and pallor of my skin seem nonexistent all because of a sprouting of eyelashes!

My hair has lost its mind. Nothing is keeping it down any longer, not even my son’s gorilla snot that had been working. I actually might have to buy the type of gel that people use to keep their mohawks up.

So the fun stuff. My nose is still dripping, my feet hurt about 300 times worse than when I started just the targeted chemo in November, there is no change in the amount of diarrhea and stomach aches, and my nails are so painful from cracking that they bring tears to my eyes some days. All in all not bad for only needing one more infusion!

As a woman that prides herself on loving education and all things based on facts, I have begun to question how statistics are really determined. I have take courses in statistics at both the undergrad and graduate level, so I feel like I have a good handle on them. Yet for me when looking at statistics and cancer the numbers don’t seem to add up.

With the targeted chemotherapy treatment Herceptin patients need to have their heart monitored for possible heart damage. Up to this point my echo cardiograms have all been okay (hopefully the one today will be no different, fingers crossed). As I sat in the waiting room for the tech to get me staring at me across the way was this sign…

For almost a year I have sat across from it waiting to have my echos, but today I got more and more frustrated as I sat there, it’s statistic mocking me from across the room.

I am so tired of everyone on Earth telling me that I need to eat healthy and be active. I am. Newsflash, I was before cancer decided to have a party in my breast! My being active and eating healthy sure didn’t prevent cancer from turning on inside me. It just makes me wonder if I wasn’t healthy and active before getting cancer would I have got it sooner? Would it have grown faster that it already was?

This week I have had three friends pass away from cancer. Essentially the three had very little in common; they had different types of cancer (also none started at stage IV which freaks me out), they ranged in age from early 50’s to late 70’s, two men and one woman. Yet one thing was true about all three; they ate healthy and exercised. If I am going to be truthful I have yet to meet anyone that is overweight that has cancer.

Susan G. Koman states that only 5% of all breast cancer diagnosis in the United States are women under 40. It is a hard pill to swallow when you start to look at all the data collected and feel like the numbers should add up to you never getting cancer, but then you do. I really just want to understand what caused it. For me it was not eating unhealthy processed foods, lack of exercise, genetic mutations, or old age, but it was something. I hope that one day there will be no need for these stupid statistics. All it proves is that there are deviations to the rule and I am unfortunately one them.

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/02/18

I just got off the phone with my surgeon where she informed me that the pathology results were ALL CLEAR!  To be specific the lymph node biopsy was negative and all clear of cancer.  NO LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT.  I also had clear margins on all sides of the mastectomy and no cancer in my right breast.  

There was great concern that I would not have clear margins around the largest tumor because it was very close to the skin.  Due to this we were prepared for the margins to come back with cancer, and ultimately, radiation would be needed.  This is what I had prepared myself for after the surgeon had explained her concerns to me.  But, some how, we  received the outcome we were praying for.   

Although this news is fantastic there is a stark reality tucked inside it.  The largest tumor was 2.7cm which is over one inch.  The second tumor was 0.6cm which is approximately about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil. I was never told the size of the third tumor. Inside my left breast was multi-focal DCIS (the first stages of cancer) throughout the entirety of my breast with lobular involvement throughout.  It also was focal vascular invasive.  My cancer nurse explained that if we had not been able to do the surgery as quickly as we had my results would be much worse than what I was given today.  Bottom line is the cancer was spreading, and spreading fast.  I am very lucky that surgery was able to happen as quickly as it had and not waited the average 2-3 weeks. 

My staging will stay at stage II, this is based on the size of the largest tumor.  The next step at this point is for me to meet with my oncologist.  I scheduled that appointment for a phone interview tomorrow.  We will get a preliminary plan started then while I start to mentally prepare for my next battle to conquer.  I will still need chemotherapy and herceptin for a minimum of a year because I have HER2+ cancer and again that is the most aggressive form.  To answer the question, yes I will be losing my hair.  Everyone asks that question first for some reason.  It's just hair and I am not worried about it so please don't any of you worry about it either!

As I sit here and type this post I can't stop crying.  In my heart I had prepared for the worst.  I knew all the outcomes and I wanted to be ready for it.  Each outcome was going to be so much harder on me but in the end my little family, my parents, and siblings.  I have been praying harder, and more frequently, than any other time in my life to give me the strength to endure whatever it was.  And now I am in shock that the news was the best that I could have received.  I know it is not from my prayers alone, but from those of so many others that cared and took a minute to include me and my family in their own prayers.  I want you to all know how grateful I am to you.  It was going to take a miracle and I got it.  

It wasn't just prayers that helped get these results, it was the fact that I did self breast exams.  Until I take my last breath I will beg all women to do self breast exams.  Fear unravels inside my body when I think about the very different future I would be looking at if I had not found that lump and checked it as frequently as I had.  I know that the Lord prompted me to make Scott feel it, to schedule an appointment, and with every step I took to find the tumor(s) as fast as I did.  Please if you are reading this and are a woman, start doing self exams.  If you are a man reading this and have a significant other, start doing an exam on your partner.  If you are a mom with a daughter and she has started her period, sit down and show her how to do a self exam.  I know that this saved my life and I believe, with my entire heart, that it could save another woman too.

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/01/18

The kids stayed with my mom and sisters on the Friday after my surgeries so that they could do something fun and to keep their mind off me.  Grayson (my nephew) had a spring carnival at his school so all the cousins went.  My kids refused to tell me anything that they did when they got home, only saying it was fun and that they had a surprise for me.

This surprise waited until my sisters came over to help them later that night.  Shortly before bedtime the kids locked themselves in Scott and my room.  There was a lot of laughing and loud whispering heard through the door.  One of them would pop out for more tape, clothespins, or a crayon. 

Finally after what felt like hours they came and got me to reveal this…

It was adorable.  Strung across the room on twine were all kinds of art projects that the three of my kids had made.  Some of the artwork had little messages on them telling me they loved me or to get well soon.  Others were of animals or bugs they had drawn in my favorite colors.  Every where I looked were pictures they had made for me in bright, cheerful colors.  You can see in the picture that I can't even lift my arms up to hug them but I was squeezing the heck out of them in my mind. 

That night I laid back in my chair and looked up at the beautiful artwork my amazing children had created for me and the only thing I could think was that I will never, ever let cancer steal a single moment from my kids and me. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/29/18

In case you didn't know, I have a pretty large family, 3 brothers and 2 sisters.  We are pretty lucky that we also have a family business that has kept most of us close together over the years with only my oldest brother, John, moving outside of California.  When I told everyone what was going on John talked privately with my parents and told them he needed to come out and see me before the surgery. 

John rearranged his schedule so that he could have almost a day with me.  He showed up on Tuesday afternoon and left early Wednesday morning so that he could fly out to his next meeting.  There isn't anything that can change having cancer but the people around you can make it a lot less frightening.  Having John  do all of this made me so grateful to have him as my big brother.  There is just something about a big brothers hug that helps make things better.

We didn't do anything for those few hours, just spent time together and talked.  John has always been a good sounding board for me and having him there helped me to find comfort before heading into surgery.  With the help of my dad, brother-in-law Ryan, and John they gave me a blessing prior to the surgery too.   

I think one of the truths I have learned throughout the past few weeks is that there is an entire different level of unconditional love that I had yet to understand.  My family has always been close knit.  In fact I have yet to meet another family quite like mine.  It is something I have always cherished and felt lucky to have been born into.  It is something I have tried to replicate in Scott and my little family.  I feel blessed beyond words for the love and support that my parents and siblings have given to me. 

When you are the odd man out like John, thousands of miles away, it is hard to not be here during times like this.  I understand that feeling of helplessness and the desire to do something for someone you love.  Yesterday John and JoAnn with Tyler and Brinley sent me this picture...

Underneath they wrote "TX Lowry's Unite". 

 Near or far, we are always TOOOOOOOOOGETTTTTHHHHHHERRRRRR and Lowry strong.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 04/29/18

They say that the 2nd and 3rd day of recovery after a major surgery is the worst and I would agree that is a true statement.  The first day out of the hospital you are still hopped up on the "good stuff" and blissfully unaware of the hurt coming your way.  I slept like a baby and didn't feel a thing the first night.   But by the next morning I had entered a different dimension of feelings. 

Scotty and I requested something a little bit stronger from my surgeon during our post op meeting and figured that was all I would need to be back on the road to recovery again.  After the first dose it seemed great, pain was less and it wasn't making me drowsy.  However, by that evening I was starting to get itchy.  It started at the back of my arms, right on top of my triceps.  It is seriously the only location I can't move my arms high enough to reach to scratch so I was getting pretty annoyed.  The itchy feeling moved from my arms over to my neck, down my stomach below all the bandages and wrapped around to my back. 

There was a lot of iodine on my body from the surgeries.  My arms, neck, back and belly were covered in it.  I am not allowed to get anything wet so I haven't tried to do a sponge bath because I am freaked out about causing anything to take longer to heal.  Yet the itching made me think it must be from the iodine.  Last night I had Scott help me use baby wipes to remove as much of the iodine as I could.  Once we were done I took my last set of meds before bed and was certain all would be well in the morning.

Everything was not well in the morning.  When Scott woke me up for my meds around 4 I was scratching my skin so hard in my sleep that I had cut my skin on my neck.  My prediction of it being from the iodine was obviously incorrect and since the only thing we had changed was the new pain medication, it was evident that I was allergic to it.

Not a great picture but my entire body is covered in these small raised red bumps.  The nurse switched my pain meds and I added another pill for the allergic reaction. 

My older sister, Deni, and her family came over this morning to see me.  Since I told my family about my diagnosis my sister Deni has gone into full war commander mode.  She basically took over the remainder of the moving that needed to take place in our old home, set up a command center at my parents house, and started a schedule for people to help with my kids.  Let's just say you do not want to mess with Deni, she's awesome, and a little scary!

While she was here my mom and her helped me take a bath.  I already mentioned that how nervous I was about getting anything wet so they devised a way to ensure no water would get on me. 

They wrapped me in 4 extra large beach towels from Costco, then cut an opening out of the bottom of a 55 gallon black garbage bag and duct taped it around my neck so that no water could get through.  I looked homeless but afterwards I felt amazing.  They were able to wash my hair (I can't even fully brush it yet), blow dry it, and help me wash all the iodine off my body.  It was like heaven.    Plus they helped me change my clothes.  I haven't been able to do that yet because it hurt so bad to move everything.  I feel like a whole new woman…minus the boobs!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/27/18

The surgery went well yesterday.  In honor of this special day I had my buddy Mike make me some shirts to commemorate it.  Going into the hospital my shirt said, "I have killer boobs",  When I was released to come home I changed into a shirt that said, "I HAD killer boobs". At times like this humor is much needed.

First up was the sentinel node biopsy.  This might have been the most painful thing I have ever had done.  During that procedure I got four shots around my nipple that inject radioactive blue dye into my lymph system.  It then travels though my body to find the lymph nodes that are either blocking the cancer from spreading, OR, are already infected and spreading.  The shots were pretty intense because you aren't allowed to have any numbing to lessen the pain.  Once inside the surgery room and under anesthetic they take a device like a stud finder to locate the nodes that are infected.  Two nodes lit up so those two were removed and will be sent off to the lab. 

Next up they started on the mastectomies.  My left breast is the one that is filled with tumors.  When this surgery is done they try to get a certain amount of clean margins.  Unfortunately the mass that I was able to feel and see was very close to the skin.  This means that we might not have been able to get clean margins.  So we wait to see what the pathology reports say.  IF they find that the margins were not clean I will need radiation.  This is the same if my nodes came back positive. 

I decided to an immediate reconstruction so my plastic surgeon installed the expanders inside my breast.  In order for the expanders to stay in place they used a piece of cadaver tissue to hold them in position.  So not only do I have no breasts right now, I have dead skin in me.  I'm almost a zombie!

For now we are playing the waiting game to see what the doctors find after dissecting my breast tissue.  They say it takes 3-10 days.  I am praying for it to be closer to 3 than 10. 

One thing that was pretty crazy for how intense the surgery was is that I came home the same day.  My parents have been amazing.  The doctors and nurses recommended that I sleep in a recliner because it will help with the swelling and pain.  Scott and I have moved in with parents, not because of my diagnosis, but because we have been trying to move to Ripon.  As soon as my parents heard I needed to sleep in a recliner my dad left the hospital to buy me a recliner for my room.  It was so sweet!

Scott has been amazing through all of this.  He is my cheerleader, my muscle, and keeps me laughing when I want to cry.  I love him beyond words. 

Thank you to all of you that have sent me messages, texts, flowers, and other goodies.  I appreciate it.  I know this fight is going to be hard and I will need all the prayers and help I can get.    Keep your fingers crossed that the results come back quickly and pray that we get clear margins. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/ 25/18

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life.  The reality is that everything is going to change and with that knowledge a desire to cling to the sense of "normal" I have had for as long as I could.  However, the time is fast approaching and my new normal is set to begin tomorrow because surgery is scheduled....I have Breast Cancer.

I guess lets start with how this all happened.  Some may know this, others enjoy getting to know me on a more intimate level.  I found my fist lump at the age of 12 in my right breast.  There was never any reason to be concerned but doctors stressed the importance of self breast exams to me back then.  By the time I was 18 the original lump I had found 6 years prior was going to an uncomfortable size.  For a young woman with breast barley a size B, I was self conscious about the lump being noticeable, because it was.  So we did a lumpectomy and found out it was not one lump but five.  Thankfully all of them were benign.

Fast forward almost 20 years and I'm 37, still doing my own breast self exams (even though no doctor really stresses the importance of these anymore), and armed with the knowledge that I have lumpy breast and will always feel bumps...but in March a lump that I was confident had always been around started to change.  Let me specify that when doing self exams it is better to do it about a week after your period, so only once a month.  It was during that time I thought it felt different from what I remembered in February.  The concern lead me to check it the following week, and then the week after that.  The concern lead me to ask Scott (my husband) to come feel it (he's a man so of course he jumped at the chance to grope my breasts).  He agreed that yes it felt different so I made an appointment for Monday, April 6th.  The OB felt it, said next step was imagining, reminded me that 1 in 8 women get breast cancer now and sent me on my way. 

Deep down I think I knew it was going to be "something" so I went straight to radiology and asked for the first appointment available.  On Friday April 6th I had a mammogram and ultrasound done.  I didn't know this at the time but the Kaiser I was at is a Nationally Accredited Breast Cancer Center.  What that means is that the radiologist and all the technicians I was seeing that day are trained to see cancer.  After the mammogram I headed into another room for the ultrasound portion and a doctor came into the room.  The tech and the doctor started talking about stuff quietly and pointing at the screen discussing if they needed to turn on color, get different angles, remeasure sizes, etc. then stopped and the doctor asked me to sit up and cover myself.  He pulled up images on the computer and said he had no doubt that what we were looking at on the screen was Breast Cancer.  Honestly I don't know what else he said after that because I froze. 

I found out that day that it was cancer and that the lump I had felt was not alone, he had two friends that were hanging out in my breast with him.  On top of the three masses that were visible I had calcification that were visible throughout my entire breast.  The only question I could think of to ask was could they tell if it had spread and at the time my imaging wasn't showing it inside my lymph system.  He discussed next step, biopsy, and after that mastectomy due to the size of masses and amount of cancer. 

Monday the 9th I went back in for two biopsies.  On Thursday the 12th I got the call that yes they were both positive for cancer.  The irony is that the next appointment was Friday the 13th and that was when I got to learn the specifics of what I have.  Breast Cancer is an interesting beast, it is not uncommon, but each case is very unique.  For me it is really an estimate of what we think is going on inside me.  My tumors are graded at a 3, that means they are the most aggressive.  Of the three masses, my largest is over 2.4cm which is an inch or larger.  I have 3 different types of cancer inside my breast: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, and DCIS all over the breast.  They are estimating me to be at stage II, but they think it I might be closer to stage III.  My cancer is also HER-2 positive.  This is the most aggressive type Breast Cancer you can get, which is frightening, but thanks to Dr. Slamon and Genentech, there is an amazing drug that has been created to fight my specific type of cancer.

Tomorrow, April 25th, I will be undergoing a sentinel node biopsy to determine if the cancer has spread to my lymph system, followed immediately by a bi-lateral mastectomy (both boobs are outta here) and immediate reconstruction.  Once we get the pathology results back I will know more about what our next step will be, either radiation (if in my lymph system), or chemo and that will start about month after. 

Now everyone is up to speed!

If there is one thing I can ask of anyone that knows me and is reading this blog, please, please don't ask my kids questions about this.  The scariest part about being told I have cancer is that there is no way of shielding my children from the pain and fear they are going to have to endure as they watch me fight this.  I am going to try  as hard as I can to keep their life happy and normal, to be the mom I have tried to be from the first day I held Brody in my arms which is present, loving, funny, and most importantly, alive.

If you wondered why I titled my blog Biedermann Crew vs. Breast Cancer and not Alicia vs. Breast Cancer it is because  when you get cancer it effects so many more people than just the person that has the disease.  I'm new to the cancer clan but can attest to the fact that it might be harder on those around me than it is on me.  Scott, my parents, and siblings, and their spouses are going to need help.  I have no idea what that will be; a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a night out away from all the heavy stuff.  If you are able to do that for them I would appreciate it.  I am going to lean on them a lot in the coming year and it's a ripple effect.  You help them, they help me, everyone is better together! 

For now please just keep my little family in your prayers.  I feel selfish asking but I know that this is so much bigger than me and I am going to need all the help I can get.  If you want to get in touch it is easier to leave comments on here than texts, phone calls, facebook, email, etc.  I will do my best to respond to them and to keep the blog up dated.  And if you could still do self breast exams, it literally can save you life.