I don’t know how to do this so I am going to go with the approach I used last time, ripping off the band-aid.

I have cancer…..again.

If you are a little shocked reading that, good, so am I. In fact, I think I had my first ever panic attack the night I was told.

The last blog post was right before what I thought was my last targeted chemo infusion. If you read it then you know that I had a lot of apprehension about not receiving anymore treatment and also the lack of scanning in the breast cancer community. When Scotty and I arrived for the infusion they checked us in like normal but as the nurse took us back she informed us that we were actually already done with treatment and they didn’t know why the appointment had ever been made.

It was confusing to be told that we would be done on a specific day for months and then told there was a miscalculation. We thought it was best to speak to our oncologist to confirm everything with her and to find out what happened. At no point were we upset or demanding but our oncologist was not happy about being asked to speak with us. There was a big scene with her when we were finally able to get her to come out after being told she was much too busy to take a few minutes to speak with us. Scott and I were both calm but the doctor was not. This was unfortunate and continued as we tried to leave as she came out into the hallway where she continued to speak boisterously at us for interrupting her day.

The scene was inappropriate and numerous bystanders witnessed it. One of the people that was watching came up to us after the doctor had left and introduced herself as a manager within the hospital’s quality of care department. She begged us to come file a grievance because although she didn’t know any specifics, what she had witnessed needed to be documented as it was not acceptable. This lead to multiple interviews and then a phone call the following week from the manager of the Oncology Department. During that interview my husband said we were questioning the treatment plan that I had been given and had lost trust in their care. The manager asked him how they could repair the relationship because we have 10 years of monitoring and want to have a good relationship. Scott responded that we should give me a scan to confirm that what they had done had actually worked and there was no cancer present in my body. So, a scan was ordered.

The incident that took place was terrible but without it I would not have been able to have a scan unless I became symptomatic. The truth is if I had to wait till that I would have probably died before getting it, especially with how aggressive my own cancer is. Sometimes the things we think are not blessings actually are. I think this is one of them.

On May 31st I went in and had a CT scan from my neck to my pelvis. That afternoon I got a call explaining that it showed an enlarged lymph node on my cancer side and standard protocol was to have it biopsied. They were able to get me in for the ultrasound and biopsy on Tuesday, June 4th. The following day I got a call confirming that it was breast cancer that had metastasized to the node. Yesterday Scott and I went to see the surgeon, a new one because my last surgeon is out having a surgery of her own. This is what we know so far:

1. The doctor’s aren’t sure if cancer returned or resisted the chemo and targeted treatments, either way it is not good news.

2. The cancer is still HER2+ also not good news because the wonder drug herceptin my cancer is immune to.

3. It is considered metastatic because it grew and spread outside of original cancer site.

4. The tumor or size of the lymph node is twice the size of the biggest tumor I had with initial diagnosis.

5. Saturday I will have a PET scan of my entire body to confirm if there is any distance metastatic disease, hopefully results are in by Monday.

6. Monday I will have an MRI of my brain. PET scans are not good indicators of disease in the brain which is why this is also needed.

7. Surgery will be scheduled for some time this week and will remove 35-40 lymph nodes from the left side armpit. There’s a pretty good chance I can lose more mobility in that arm and have lymphdema (swelling of the arm).

8. All treatment moving forward will be more aggressive with both radiation and chemo, both will be needed, for another year or longer.

9. We will be meeting with the Head Breast Cancer Oncologist for Northern California in the coming weeks to make sure that we are doing the right treatment to try to stop the cancer from spreading further.

Hopefully in the coming days we will get a few more answers and I will do my best to get on here to update it. I’ve had to curl inside myself the last few weeks to wrap my head and my heart around this.

I am unbearably sad. I don’t know if I have ever experienced a pain this deep. It literally takes my breath away. There is an undeniable longing in me to live on this Earth and see my children grow, to hold Scott tight to me. and grow old together. I am very frightened that I may not get to do that.

I am not giving up, I will fight this again, and every day that the Lord allows me to have, but I also know that I must be realistic. Every thing about cancer I have defied. I’m not the right age, I don’t eat an unhealthy diet, I exercise, I am not overly stressed ( well now I am). But I got cancer. Then I got one of the less common types, only 20% of all diagnosis are HER2+ only. I do treatment for a year with a drug that all the statistics shows is effective at attacking the HER2+ cells only to find out my cancer is more aggressive than most. Now with the recurrence so soon and outside of the original location each doctor is baffled by it and explains it is not common to see and there is a lack of research on what to do in this situation. One research study I found in a journal of medicine from Canada suggested it only happens in about 1% of recurrence cases. What that all means is I am beating the odds in the worst way.

Right now I have no idea how I am going to do this. I’ve switched my fruits, veggies, and meats to organic. I drink that ridiculous PH balanced water. I try to limit any unnecessary sugars. In the last year I have only skipped a workout a handful of times and only because I was medically unable to exercise. I don’t know what else I can change to make this cancer want to get the hell out of me. But, I will keep trying.

This is also not just about me but my family. The first time was rough, this is going to be even worse. Scott and I are trying very hard to be as open and honest with the kids as we can. That alone is a gut wrenching experience. We have told them that it is okay to be sad and cry, to talk to our family or friends if it helps them, and to ask us any questions that they want. The past few days have been really hard. If you are near us please be gentle with Scott and my kids. It feels as if I had to rip the scab off a healing wound.

If there is anything that I could ask it would be to give comfort to those around me. When someone gets cancer the entire family gets cancer. I know that they feel helpless and are going to need more comfort and love than me because they are constantly lifting me up. Please don’t contact them to get information, come to the blog, I will keep it up to date as soon as I know new information.

I might be sad when you see me and a little more quiet than usual. There may be moments that I cry for no reason. I may have to hug your children when they are around me because they bring me such incredible joy. I want to be surrounded by life and happiness. So many of you that will be reading this provide me and my family with that. I know I didn’t do this but I am sorry that so many people around me are going to feel discomfort, and so many children will have to know about this disease and the immense pain that it can bring. I wish it was different, but wishes don’t all come true.

As I pray for the ability to understand the path that is in front of me and the strength to overcome, I also ask for those around me to be comforted. It takes a village and mine is filled with exceptional men, women, and children. I am grateful to have each of you in my life. I know that what awaits me in the coming days, weeks, and months will be harder than what lays behind me. I will say that I am ready, scared beyond belief, but ready.

So, here we go again.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/ 25/18

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life.  The reality is that everything is going to change and with that knowledge a desire to cling to the sense of "normal" I have had for as long as I could.  However, the time is fast approaching and my new normal is set to begin tomorrow because surgery is scheduled....I have Breast Cancer.

I guess lets start with how this all happened.  Some may know this, others enjoy getting to know me on a more intimate level.  I found my fist lump at the age of 12 in my right breast.  There was never any reason to be concerned but doctors stressed the importance of self breast exams to me back then.  By the time I was 18 the original lump I had found 6 years prior was going to an uncomfortable size.  For a young woman with breast barley a size B, I was self conscious about the lump being noticeable, because it was.  So we did a lumpectomy and found out it was not one lump but five.  Thankfully all of them were benign.

Fast forward almost 20 years and I'm 37, still doing my own breast self exams (even though no doctor really stresses the importance of these anymore), and armed with the knowledge that I have lumpy breast and will always feel bumps...but in March a lump that I was confident had always been around started to change.  Let me specify that when doing self exams it is better to do it about a week after your period, so only once a month.  It was during that time I thought it felt different from what I remembered in February.  The concern lead me to check it the following week, and then the week after that.  The concern lead me to ask Scott (my husband) to come feel it (he's a man so of course he jumped at the chance to grope my breasts).  He agreed that yes it felt different so I made an appointment for Monday, April 6th.  The OB felt it, said next step was imagining, reminded me that 1 in 8 women get breast cancer now and sent me on my way. 

Deep down I think I knew it was going to be "something" so I went straight to radiology and asked for the first appointment available.  On Friday April 6th I had a mammogram and ultrasound done.  I didn't know this at the time but the Kaiser I was at is a Nationally Accredited Breast Cancer Center.  What that means is that the radiologist and all the technicians I was seeing that day are trained to see cancer.  After the mammogram I headed into another room for the ultrasound portion and a doctor came into the room.  The tech and the doctor started talking about stuff quietly and pointing at the screen discussing if they needed to turn on color, get different angles, remeasure sizes, etc. then stopped and the doctor asked me to sit up and cover myself.  He pulled up images on the computer and said he had no doubt that what we were looking at on the screen was Breast Cancer.  Honestly I don't know what else he said after that because I froze. 

I found out that day that it was cancer and that the lump I had felt was not alone, he had two friends that were hanging out in my breast with him.  On top of the three masses that were visible I had calcification that were visible throughout my entire breast.  The only question I could think of to ask was could they tell if it had spread and at the time my imaging wasn't showing it inside my lymph system.  He discussed next step, biopsy, and after that mastectomy due to the size of masses and amount of cancer. 

Monday the 9th I went back in for two biopsies.  On Thursday the 12th I got the call that yes they were both positive for cancer.  The irony is that the next appointment was Friday the 13th and that was when I got to learn the specifics of what I have.  Breast Cancer is an interesting beast, it is not uncommon, but each case is very unique.  For me it is really an estimate of what we think is going on inside me.  My tumors are graded at a 3, that means they are the most aggressive.  Of the three masses, my largest is over 2.4cm which is an inch or larger.  I have 3 different types of cancer inside my breast: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, and DCIS all over the breast.  They are estimating me to be at stage II, but they think it I might be closer to stage III.  My cancer is also HER-2 positive.  This is the most aggressive type Breast Cancer you can get, which is frightening, but thanks to Dr. Slamon and Genentech, there is an amazing drug that has been created to fight my specific type of cancer.

Tomorrow, April 25th, I will be undergoing a sentinel node biopsy to determine if the cancer has spread to my lymph system, followed immediately by a bi-lateral mastectomy (both boobs are outta here) and immediate reconstruction.  Once we get the pathology results back I will know more about what our next step will be, either radiation (if in my lymph system), or chemo and that will start about month after. 

Now everyone is up to speed!

If there is one thing I can ask of anyone that knows me and is reading this blog, please, please don't ask my kids questions about this.  The scariest part about being told I have cancer is that there is no way of shielding my children from the pain and fear they are going to have to endure as they watch me fight this.  I am going to try  as hard as I can to keep their life happy and normal, to be the mom I have tried to be from the first day I held Brody in my arms which is present, loving, funny, and most importantly, alive.

If you wondered why I titled my blog Biedermann Crew vs. Breast Cancer and not Alicia vs. Breast Cancer it is because  when you get cancer it effects so many more people than just the person that has the disease.  I'm new to the cancer clan but can attest to the fact that it might be harder on those around me than it is on me.  Scott, my parents, and siblings, and their spouses are going to need help.  I have no idea what that will be; a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a night out away from all the heavy stuff.  If you are able to do that for them I would appreciate it.  I am going to lean on them a lot in the coming year and it's a ripple effect.  You help them, they help me, everyone is better together! 

For now please just keep my little family in your prayers.  I feel selfish asking but I know that this is so much bigger than me and I am going to need all the help I can get.  If you want to get in touch it is easier to leave comments on here than texts, phone calls, facebook, email, etc.  I will do my best to respond to them and to keep the blog up dated.  And if you could still do self breast exams, it literally can save you life.