It Begins Again

I have been dragging my feet on finding time to sit down and write over the last week because once I do things seem more real and there is still a very large piece of me that fiercely wants THIS to not be my life, or another chapter to my story. It is a hard acceptance.

Last week I had my orientation for radiation. It involved a bunch of CT images and was followed up by me receiving my first, and only ever, tattoos.

The small dot above is not a mole, that is the tattoo for radiation alignment. I have two additional “dots”, one between my breast and the other under my armpit on the opposite side. While laying down on the table a red grid is used to line up your body into the perfect spot ensuring the radiation hits the correct spot at each treatment.

I also have a this beautiful sharpie X above my left implant that is covered by waterproof tape. This has to remain on my body for the duration of the 25 rounds. The mark also helps the radiation techs find the right spot during each round of radiation. Can I just tell you I am glad that the X is not permanent?

Above is not the machine that gives the radiation treatment, it is a normal CT machine. A “map” of my breast had to be made for the doctor to graph where the radiation needs to be given. They use the CT imaging to create this map. The reason I have the picture is for the “pillow” on the table. That is my special pillow for each treatment. Once they have me in the exact location they want me in, that pillow is inflated with air and my name written on it. It might sound comfortable but it is not. After being inflated it is rock hard. I hate it.

I am not allowed to have my phone with me in the actual treatment room so I had Scott take this picture before he had to leave the room. The kids always want to know what is happening and what the machine looks like, so I used this image to show them and explain. The physical radiation machine is all open and moves around your body in a circular motion. Depending on where you are being treated the radiation can be administered on the top of your body or underneath you through your back. I am getting both and can feel a much warmer sensation when the radiation is given underneath me than on the top.

Monday I started this treatment. Today is Wednesday (3:13 right now). I am not a fan of radiation so far. It is just not comfortable. The actual treatment only takes about 15 minutes but the waiting and attempting (it is still hard for me to get my arms above my head fully) to keep my arms above my head without shaking is difficult. You are not suppose to feel anything but I can feel a warmth as the radiation is given. Afterwards I lather myself up like a Thanksgiving turkey in hopes of salvaging my skin and any burning or wounds that might come in the next few weeks.

Truthfully it is a super weird treatment. I think I am going to have to start researching how it was created, and by whom because as I lay there each day I am fascinated that someone was able to devise this insane procedure.

The side effects are suppose to be manageable and two days in I can say so far so good. I am more tired than usual and have upped my coffee intake to get through the day. Pretty sure no one wants to be reminded of my bowels, but the short reprieve from diarrhea is over…go figure that is the side effect I get again. One good thing is that the chemo I will be getting is known to cause constipation so perhaps they will counterbalance each other and I will be normal?! Probably not, but I am going to go with a glass half full approach and be hopeful. As for chemo my first treatment will be this Friday. Yippee, skippy.

Every one wants to know how I am, and the answer is fine. Really, I loathe that question. First I get asked it over and over. I hate it. I don’t want to talk about cancer. I don’t want to be reminded that I am fighting this stupid, horrible disease again. I don’t want cancer to be any part of my life. The last week I got to go back to being “normal” again. I got to be Brody, Reyna, and Emery’s mom. I got to be Scott’s wife. I had a normal amount of energy and even attempted a run. I felt like me, the old me, before cancer. There was no one asking how treatment was, how surgery went, how I was doing. It was one of the best weeks of my life….and now, it is over.

I believe that I am tough and that our mind has a huge impact on how we heal. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and that he still has a lot of work left he wants me to do. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in being hopeful. I believe that love can heal all things. These are the reasons I am fine. No matter how hard things get I just remind myself of those five things and I am good.

Physically I am starting to breakdown a bit and I am prepared for it to get worse. Mentally I am still really sad. There are moments where I sit and sob in the shower, but that’s okay. I am also really happy. I am still here on this Earth with Scotty and my babies to wrap my arms around. I guess I am becoming bipolar. You would have to ask my mom, but I don’t think I have ever been one to complain, it doesn’t change the outcome. You live the life that you have been given and that is what I am going to continue to do, no matter how many times I have to restart this battle.