Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/12/18

Thank God it's the weekend! 

My week was crazy.  You know I used to say that all the time before cancer.  I would be tired from life and everything that gets piled up on you as a working mom with little kids.  Now I know that I was a stupid ignorant idiot.  I had no idea what that statement meant.  So moving forward I try to really reflect on what the hell is actually going on and put it in perspective. 

This was a crazy week.

Monday I had to rush like mad to get caught up on my Lowry work so I didn't hold up the billing process for all my co-workers.  This was no small feat because I totally suck and I am behind on my paperwork.   Sitting at a computer doesn't sound tiring, and before cancer it never was, but I was exhausted after that.  Pretty sure all I did once I finished was sleep...

Tuesday we met with my oncologist.  Scotty, my mom, and I all smashed into a little room where for the first time in this process I got to keep my clothes on (really I'm so used to my boobs needing to be on display that I had to ask the nurse if she was certain I didn't need to get naked).  I have a great oncologist who is super calm and very confident in our treatment plan.  Keep in mind that I am young for cancer, which seems stupid to say as you and I both know people younger than my 37 who have cancer, and that my tumors were the highest grade.  Also I am HER2+.  This all combines to be the most aggressive type of breast cancer and because of my age we need to be more aggressive in dealing with it than say, a 60 year old woman with a similar diagnosis. 

With all of this factored in I will need 6 rounds of chemo in combination with a year of Herceptin.    We all asked a lot of questions to be better prepared, but bottom line, chemo sucks.  The only thing we know for sure is that my hair will fall out but beyond that it will be a waiting game to see how I respond.  As for Herceptin there are way less side effects aside for one big one that can effect my heart.  I will need a baseline EKG and then follow up EKG's throughout the year to monitor it.  Fingers crossed the heart side effect decides to take mercy on me and NEVER SHOW UP.

There was also discussion about doing the treatments directly into my vein in my arm or getting a chest port.  Every medical person I have met since being diagnosed has said, "you're young, it'll be fine".  So no shock when the doc said "you're young, with good veins, direct IV should be fine."  But I was skeptical because I've done some research and know that lots of not so great things can happen to your veins having chemo this way.  It doesn't help that once you have lymph nodes removed you can not have blood draws or blood pressure taken on the side that the nodes were removed essentially leaving me with only one arm to do all the treatments in.  We left shortly after that with an appointment for my baseline EKG and a tentative start date for chemo at the end of May. 

The entire way home I kept thinking about the vein infusion versus the port.  My friend Jamie had breast cancer at 27, while pregnant, she's a fierce warrior let me tell you, so she has given me pretty spectacular advice.  At her recommendation I joined the Young Survivor Coalition.  It is a nonprofit organization that connects women under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer all over the world.  For me it has been a life saver.  With the method of receiving chemo bothering me so much I sent out a message to my fellow sisters and asked for advice.  In under a half an hour I had over 122 messages offering me what worked best for them.  Out of those 122 only 7 did not recommend getting the port, and those 7 did not need as much treatment as I (they had a different form of breast cancer).  Needless to say I emailed my ONC and explained that I felt a port was a safer choice for how long I was going to need treatment. 

Wednesday was a great day.  Prior to my diagnosis Scott and I had put our house up for sale.  Over the past four years we have been trying to move to Ripon.  We have actively tried to purchase numerous homes but get turned down because we don't have a million dollars in cold hard cash, or we have a contingent home sale, or we didn't put down over 50% cash, the list goes on and on and on.  Ripon is where the kids swim and play water polo.  It is also where they have made the most amazing friends, real friends that care about them.  What should seem like a very easy thing to do, move to another town, has proven to be near impossible for us in Ripon. 

Everyone wants to live there.  It is a small town, with people centered around family and faith, where safety is number one, and kindness is knocking at it's door.  Over the past year my kids have unfortunately found very little of those qualities in the "friends" they have school.  I know there are people that I have shared very personal stories with about specific things that have taken place, and I don't want to share them publicly, but Scott and I felt that for our children's safety we had to remove them from the environment they were in at their school.  This all meant that getting to Ripon had to be priority number one so we put our house on the market March 30th at around 10p.m. and it was sold by morning...I found out I had cancer the following Friday, April 6th. 

Our original plan was to sell our house essentially to eliminate our offer being rejected because we had a contingent home sale, also to allow us to offer more money down in hopes of getting someone to sell us their house.  We never dreamed it would sell so fast, or with a 30 day close.   But God gave me the best parents on this Earth who rearranged their entire house so my family could move in.  I know they are hoping we will not find a home to buy till I am 100% cancer free and 20 pounds heavier (my mom's main goal in life).

So, on Wednesday we signed all the documents to close on our house and officially have it sold!  Fingers crossed this means that God is paving the way to the next home for our family.  Oh and Emmy got her bands changed on her braces...she picked every shade of pink to support her mama, XO!

Thursday I headed to the hospital at 6 am to have my port installation surgery.  Look at this point I look like Frankenstein.  I am missing boobs.  There are cuts on both sides of my chests.  I have tubes coming out of my armpits for the drains.  I can't shower so I still have orange iodine from the mastectomy surgery on me plus all the blue marks from the plastic surgeon criss-crossed on me.  Basically I am a hot mess but it was worth it to see all the nurses surround my bed trying to figure out what to do with me for the port surgery.  They were trying to be so nice and not expose my body to 7 different nurses at once as they discussed how to keep my drains out of the way, blood from getting all over me, keep my incisions safe.  It was a long discussion.  In the end the doctor came in and put everyone at ease with a game plan. 

I was awake for the procedure and I am glad I was.  The team that did the operation was hilarious.  I loved them!  I tried to convince them to all come back in a year or so when I am cancer free and can have the port removed.  No joke I will keep that in my prayers and hope it happens.

Friday I saw my Plastic Surgeon, who I have decided is my best friend.   How could he not be when he is going to make me LOOK like a woman again?  In hopes that the drains would come out I did what any nervous but desperate woman would do, I wore white pants to the appointment.  All women know if you want your period to start you where white pants.  Well I figured same principle applies here.  Those drains aren't pushing out clear liquid people! Guess what, it did work and I am now drain free.  Please everyone reading this touch your armpits, move your arm up and down, back and forth.  Now stick a marble in your armpit and squeeze it there as you try to move your arm up and down, back and forth.  Do it for 2 weeks.  Oh and then remember that I am missing over half my chest so I have no upper body strength at this time.  The things I have taken for granted is a list that is getting immeasurable.  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/12/18

My sister came over last Friday to help me shower (duh) but also to give my kids a fun little pizza party.  Bonus was that my sister and brother are doing weight watchers and this recipe was like under 6 points for ours!  I can ask for recipe and post it if anyone might be interested, hit me up in the comments. 

It was a nice visit, I got clean and the kids ran around screaming and playing with their cousins.  These small doses of my old normal are a so dang sweet.  I love sitting there with children's laughter surrounding me.  Is there anything better than that sound?  I haven't found it. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/08/16

Last night I got a grueling migraine and fell asleep at around 8 so it's no big surprise that I have been up since 4 mentally arguing with myself to go back to bed.  I am still sleeping in the recliner that my dad rushed out to buy me after the mastectomies.   No joke that chair is the most comfortable chair.  It almost makes me feel bad for refusing to allow Scott to have one in our family room for so many years.  We can all agree they aren't that pleasing to the eye, right?  Hopefully I will start to feel more comfortable with the expanders and less, I'll say, pressure when I try to lay down normal.  There is also this nagging fear that if I lay flat for to long my drains might decide to add a few more drops, and ain't no woman going to say they want that to happen.

It will be two weeks since surgery on Thursday and  basically at this point I am a man.  Let’s just want look at the facts:

I have no boobs.  This is a distinct characteristic of a woman.  I mean come on it is pretty much how Western Civilization defines sexuality for a woman.  And sure there are some men out there with pretty nice racks, but be honest, is that going on the sexy side of the list for a man?

I smell.  Bad.  It is creeping up to 90 here in the Central Valley which means not only do I have just dirty body funk smell, I have a nice layer of ripe BO starting to plume around me in a cloud of green smoke.  Deni has made it her mission to make sure I stay clean, and thank the Lord for her, but there is only so far a non-shower can clean you.  Something no one told me was that the drains exit your body right at your armpits leaving no way to clean them, deodorize them, or shave them.  I'll leave that smelly visual here for you to enjoy...vomit.

I have hair EVERYWHERE.  This shouldn't bother me.  Numerous times a day I remind myself that I went months without shaving during swim season so I could shave and taper for a big meet.  Literally this was for over a decade of my life and it didn't really ruffle my feathers, or should I say hair follicles then.  But now it makes me crazy.  There is one silver lining and that is that they are getting so long that they are finally soft.

I have become the secondary caregiver.  There are a ton of dad's out there that are stay at home dad's and they are great at it, so please don't let this offend anyone.  We all raise our family the way that works best for us and for my crew this is, or was, our reality.  First let me be clear that Scott is AH-MAZE-ING.  Seriously.  We have both always worked full-time in our relationship so it has been a team from day one, but there comes a point when you create a family that one parent devotes more time to raising the kids and a little less to work.  This was me.  I am very fortunate to work for my family business, George W. Lowry, Inc., and have the ability to work from home when needed.  This also allowed Scott the ability to devote a little more time to his career and that has provided beneficial because he is a rock star at what he does.  On a day to day basis I am the one to get kids ready, make lunches, get to and from school, get to all after school activities, committee to all the random volunteer requirements kids activities require, etc.  My life was just my life and I took it for granite.  The hustle and bustle of three young active kids plus work was tiresome and I admit that I complained on more than one occasion about it.  Now I am benched.  Between Scott and my mom they are doing all of it for me, except my actual job which I am trying keep up with.  I miss being there for every small setback or victory my kids have.  I miss seeing them wave a hundred times to me before they walk in the school gates.  I miss seeing their red cheeks after a really great swim practice.  I even miss the stupid fighting they do in the car for no apparent reason.  My gratitude to my mom and Scott for taking all this on for me is immeasurable, but, I miss this part of my life.

I put me first by compartmentalizing.   Men have this uncanny ability to stop thinking about something whenever they want and women are thinking about everything all the time.  It is that multi-tasking thing that a lot of women are great at and men aren't so great at.  When I am at work I get my work done but I am still thinking about Brody wondering if that mean kid is going to make another comment that sends him home sad asking why he has no friends.  My mind never shuts off and Scott can turn it off at any time.  It makes me crazy!  Cancer has a way of forcing you to get real tough, real fast.  This was a hard pill swallow.  I'm a mom, I HAVE to take care of my babies, I NEED to worry about them, I WANT to see everything they are doing.  Plus I have a job to do.  Bills need to be paid, commitments have to be met, there are obligations people!

Men are great.  I love my man!  But I do not want to become one.  Sure, these are gross generalizations that are born from stereotypes (which I teach in my Human Communication class not to utilize) but when you are woman, that is proud to be a woman, these things pretty much suck.

**Update I also have been wearing Scotty's button up shirts.  They are so much easier to get on and hide the bulging drains attached to my tank top.  So add that to the list....

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/06/18

Losing two appendages should feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest, literally.  But when you are like me who started out with almost no breast from years of swimming the excitement to "get" breast after having children was exhilarating!  Now it would seem I am back to where I started in the boob department where less is more but my muscles are weaker.  The irony is that now I have to attend an actual physical therapy course to relearn how to move since all of my breast tissue has been removed.  In theory this sounds like it shouldn't be that big a deal but after a week of not being able to move my arm higher than my elbow I understand how weak I have become.

On Thursday I found myself with my trusty sidekick on this adventure, my mom, venturing into the land of No Boob Land herein to be referred to as "noob".  There is a ton of stuff I have to learn or relearn to do between now and reconstruction.  Nestled in between this is going to be chemotherapy and additional injections to slow me down.  Gone are the days of me fitting a workout in the morning and possibly after work.  I looked at my yoga mat and weights pushed to the corner the other day with the knowledge that we wouldn't be hanging out for quite some time...I'm not going to lie, this hurts my heart as it seems that around corner I find myself with another  "thing" I can't do.  My list is getting longer by the day; be a mom, go to work, make a meal, wash a dish, push down the soap dispenser, open a bottle of water, pull my pants up, get myself dressed.   I'll stop there since this list could go on for many, many pages. 

So there we sat, my mom and I, in a class for women with breast cancer that have had a lumpectomy or mastectomy.  On one side of the room were three woman; a 73 year old with a lumpectomy, a 67 year old with a lumpectomy, and a 60 year old that had a double mastectomy.  On the other side of the room was my mom and me.  As we sat through the presentation listing all the things we couldn't do, shouldn't do, and the exercises we needed to start doing I felt more and more alone.  I know that women my age aren't your typical breast cancer patients but sitting there listening to these woman, my mother's age and older was making me mad.  They were expressing their disgust and shock at having some how been the lucky one to get cancer when they had their entire lives in front of them.  The three went on to list reasons they shouldn't have been the "one" to get the disease. 

I couldn't talk.  I literally said about five words the entire time.  I was furious.  Here across the table from me were three woman who had seen their children grow up, met their grandchildren, retired.  All I could do was compare them to me and think how wrong they were.  When we left the class I told my mom I was surely going to hell because I was so upset.  It's on me that I felt the way I did.  Those women were thinking the same thing I thought when I found out I had cancer.  Unfortunately this is the reality of getting a disease that can kill you. 

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/05/18

When you get results like mine you are required to celebrate.  In a world where sugar feeds cancer and more food is genetically modified and altered than isn't, I wasn't sure exactly how or what this celebration was going to look like.  As I was trying to figure out what we could do the doorbell rang.  On my doorstep was a big white box from Oregon.  I assumed that it was something from one of Scott's friends and left it on the table until my dad came home and asked what I got.  Shocked I opened the container and inside was a sweet message from my friend Miranda and her husband James and tightly contained underneath dry ice was 5 containers of Salt & Straw ice cream.   I have never had that, nor is it anywhere near Manteca, but I do know it has no added sugar and they use all natural products.  So the decision was made for me!!

There was a feeding frenzy after dinner that night.  It was scary how fast the kids, my parents, Scott and I tried them all.  It was also a super special gift like pretty much every gift Miranda has given me over the almost 30 years of friendship we have had.  

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/02/18

I just got off the phone with my surgeon where she informed me that the pathology results were ALL CLEAR!  To be specific the lymph node biopsy was negative and all clear of cancer.  NO LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT.  I also had clear margins on all sides of the mastectomy and no cancer in my right breast.  

There was great concern that I would not have clear margins around the largest tumor because it was very close to the skin.  Due to this we were prepared for the margins to come back with cancer, and ultimately, radiation would be needed.  This is what I had prepared myself for after the surgeon had explained her concerns to me.  But, some how, we  received the outcome we were praying for.   

Although this news is fantastic there is a stark reality tucked inside it.  The largest tumor was 2.7cm which is over one inch.  The second tumor was 0.6cm which is approximately about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil. I was never told the size of the third tumor. Inside my left breast was multi-focal DCIS (the first stages of cancer) throughout the entirety of my breast with lobular involvement throughout.  It also was focal vascular invasive.  My cancer nurse explained that if we had not been able to do the surgery as quickly as we had my results would be much worse than what I was given today.  Bottom line is the cancer was spreading, and spreading fast.  I am very lucky that surgery was able to happen as quickly as it had and not waited the average 2-3 weeks. 

My staging will stay at stage II, this is based on the size of the largest tumor.  The next step at this point is for me to meet with my oncologist.  I scheduled that appointment for a phone interview tomorrow.  We will get a preliminary plan started then while I start to mentally prepare for my next battle to conquer.  I will still need chemotherapy and herceptin for a minimum of a year because I have HER2+ cancer and again that is the most aggressive form.  To answer the question, yes I will be losing my hair.  Everyone asks that question first for some reason.  It's just hair and I am not worried about it so please don't any of you worry about it either!

As I sit here and type this post I can't stop crying.  In my heart I had prepared for the worst.  I knew all the outcomes and I wanted to be ready for it.  Each outcome was going to be so much harder on me but in the end my little family, my parents, and siblings.  I have been praying harder, and more frequently, than any other time in my life to give me the strength to endure whatever it was.  And now I am in shock that the news was the best that I could have received.  I know it is not from my prayers alone, but from those of so many others that cared and took a minute to include me and my family in their own prayers.  I want you to all know how grateful I am to you.  It was going to take a miracle and I got it.  

It wasn't just prayers that helped get these results, it was the fact that I did self breast exams.  Until I take my last breath I will beg all women to do self breast exams.  Fear unravels inside my body when I think about the very different future I would be looking at if I had not found that lump and checked it as frequently as I had.  I know that the Lord prompted me to make Scott feel it, to schedule an appointment, and with every step I took to find the tumor(s) as fast as I did.  Please if you are reading this and are a woman, start doing self exams.  If you are a man reading this and have a significant other, start doing an exam on your partner.  If you are a mom with a daughter and she has started her period, sit down and show her how to do a self exam.  I know that this saved my life and I believe, with my entire heart, that it could save another woman too.

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/01/18

The kids stayed with my mom and sisters on the Friday after my surgeries so that they could do something fun and to keep their mind off me.  Grayson (my nephew) had a spring carnival at his school so all the cousins went.  My kids refused to tell me anything that they did when they got home, only saying it was fun and that they had a surprise for me.

This surprise waited until my sisters came over to help them later that night.  Shortly before bedtime the kids locked themselves in Scott and my room.  There was a lot of laughing and loud whispering heard through the door.  One of them would pop out for more tape, clothespins, or a crayon. 

Finally after what felt like hours they came and got me to reveal this…

It was adorable.  Strung across the room on twine were all kinds of art projects that the three of my kids had made.  Some of the artwork had little messages on them telling me they loved me or to get well soon.  Others were of animals or bugs they had drawn in my favorite colors.  Every where I looked were pictures they had made for me in bright, cheerful colors.  You can see in the picture that I can't even lift my arms up to hug them but I was squeezing the heck out of them in my mind. 

That night I laid back in my chair and looked up at the beautiful artwork my amazing children had created for me and the only thing I could think was that I will never, ever let cancer steal a single moment from my kids and me. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/01/18

Trying to pass the time as you wait for pathology reports sucks.  The truth is that you are only awaiting bad news.  You already have cancer, that isn't going to change, so now you await to find out how far it has stretched out in your body.  My family, especially my sisters and mom, have made it their mission in life to keep me clean and pre-occupied.  Not for the faint of heart since I am wrapped in about 2 feet of padding, tubing, and gauze.  

Last time Deni helped me get clean we just dried my hair and left it.  This time she decided to get fancy because I have numerous doctor appointments this week.  

It was a pretty legit spa treatment.  Lex brought us lunch to eat while I got my hair done.  As Deni was working she kept saying, "the curls need to be really tight", or "we need more hairspray so it sets for a few days", and my favorite, "only finger comb the curls!"  I was nervous....

I think her inspiration was the Texas Lowry's due to the big hair concept that I pulled off nicely in this picture with Greenley.  

Fluffy hair aside the bath was awesome and this time I was even able to rub lotion on my legs.  It is the little things that excite me these days.  I will start physical therapy on Thursday that is specifically for bi-lateral mastectomy patients. I am actually looking forward to the class.  It is really hard going from lifting weights 5 days ago to needing help dispensing soap to wash my hands.  The smallest things I need help with and I would like to start gaining back my weight as soon as I can.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/29/18

In case you didn't know, I have a pretty large family, 3 brothers and 2 sisters.  We are pretty lucky that we also have a family business that has kept most of us close together over the years with only my oldest brother, John, moving outside of California.  When I told everyone what was going on John talked privately with my parents and told them he needed to come out and see me before the surgery. 

John rearranged his schedule so that he could have almost a day with me.  He showed up on Tuesday afternoon and left early Wednesday morning so that he could fly out to his next meeting.  There isn't anything that can change having cancer but the people around you can make it a lot less frightening.  Having John  do all of this made me so grateful to have him as my big brother.  There is just something about a big brothers hug that helps make things better.

We didn't do anything for those few hours, just spent time together and talked.  John has always been a good sounding board for me and having him there helped me to find comfort before heading into surgery.  With the help of my dad, brother-in-law Ryan, and John they gave me a blessing prior to the surgery too.   

I think one of the truths I have learned throughout the past few weeks is that there is an entire different level of unconditional love that I had yet to understand.  My family has always been close knit.  In fact I have yet to meet another family quite like mine.  It is something I have always cherished and felt lucky to have been born into.  It is something I have tried to replicate in Scott and my little family.  I feel blessed beyond words for the love and support that my parents and siblings have given to me. 

When you are the odd man out like John, thousands of miles away, it is hard to not be here during times like this.  I understand that feeling of helplessness and the desire to do something for someone you love.  Yesterday John and JoAnn with Tyler and Brinley sent me this picture...

Underneath they wrote "TX Lowry's Unite". 

 Near or far, we are always TOOOOOOOOOGETTTTTHHHHHHERRRRRR and Lowry strong.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 04/29/18

They say that the 2nd and 3rd day of recovery after a major surgery is the worst and I would agree that is a true statement.  The first day out of the hospital you are still hopped up on the "good stuff" and blissfully unaware of the hurt coming your way.  I slept like a baby and didn't feel a thing the first night.   But by the next morning I had entered a different dimension of feelings. 

Scotty and I requested something a little bit stronger from my surgeon during our post op meeting and figured that was all I would need to be back on the road to recovery again.  After the first dose it seemed great, pain was less and it wasn't making me drowsy.  However, by that evening I was starting to get itchy.  It started at the back of my arms, right on top of my triceps.  It is seriously the only location I can't move my arms high enough to reach to scratch so I was getting pretty annoyed.  The itchy feeling moved from my arms over to my neck, down my stomach below all the bandages and wrapped around to my back. 

There was a lot of iodine on my body from the surgeries.  My arms, neck, back and belly were covered in it.  I am not allowed to get anything wet so I haven't tried to do a sponge bath because I am freaked out about causing anything to take longer to heal.  Yet the itching made me think it must be from the iodine.  Last night I had Scott help me use baby wipes to remove as much of the iodine as I could.  Once we were done I took my last set of meds before bed and was certain all would be well in the morning.

Everything was not well in the morning.  When Scott woke me up for my meds around 4 I was scratching my skin so hard in my sleep that I had cut my skin on my neck.  My prediction of it being from the iodine was obviously incorrect and since the only thing we had changed was the new pain medication, it was evident that I was allergic to it.

Not a great picture but my entire body is covered in these small raised red bumps.  The nurse switched my pain meds and I added another pill for the allergic reaction. 

My older sister, Deni, and her family came over this morning to see me.  Since I told my family about my diagnosis my sister Deni has gone into full war commander mode.  She basically took over the remainder of the moving that needed to take place in our old home, set up a command center at my parents house, and started a schedule for people to help with my kids.  Let's just say you do not want to mess with Deni, she's awesome, and a little scary!

While she was here my mom and her helped me take a bath.  I already mentioned that how nervous I was about getting anything wet so they devised a way to ensure no water would get on me. 

They wrapped me in 4 extra large beach towels from Costco, then cut an opening out of the bottom of a 55 gallon black garbage bag and duct taped it around my neck so that no water could get through.  I looked homeless but afterwards I felt amazing.  They were able to wash my hair (I can't even fully brush it yet), blow dry it, and help me wash all the iodine off my body.  It was like heaven.    Plus they helped me change my clothes.  I haven't been able to do that yet because it hurt so bad to move everything.  I feel like a whole new woman…minus the boobs!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/27/18

The surgery went well yesterday.  In honor of this special day I had my buddy Mike make me some shirts to commemorate it.  Going into the hospital my shirt said, "I have killer boobs",  When I was released to come home I changed into a shirt that said, "I HAD killer boobs". At times like this humor is much needed.

First up was the sentinel node biopsy.  This might have been the most painful thing I have ever had done.  During that procedure I got four shots around my nipple that inject radioactive blue dye into my lymph system.  It then travels though my body to find the lymph nodes that are either blocking the cancer from spreading, OR, are already infected and spreading.  The shots were pretty intense because you aren't allowed to have any numbing to lessen the pain.  Once inside the surgery room and under anesthetic they take a device like a stud finder to locate the nodes that are infected.  Two nodes lit up so those two were removed and will be sent off to the lab. 

Next up they started on the mastectomies.  My left breast is the one that is filled with tumors.  When this surgery is done they try to get a certain amount of clean margins.  Unfortunately the mass that I was able to feel and see was very close to the skin.  This means that we might not have been able to get clean margins.  So we wait to see what the pathology reports say.  IF they find that the margins were not clean I will need radiation.  This is the same if my nodes came back positive. 

I decided to an immediate reconstruction so my plastic surgeon installed the expanders inside my breast.  In order for the expanders to stay in place they used a piece of cadaver tissue to hold them in position.  So not only do I have no breasts right now, I have dead skin in me.  I'm almost a zombie!

For now we are playing the waiting game to see what the doctors find after dissecting my breast tissue.  They say it takes 3-10 days.  I am praying for it to be closer to 3 than 10. 

One thing that was pretty crazy for how intense the surgery was is that I came home the same day.  My parents have been amazing.  The doctors and nurses recommended that I sleep in a recliner because it will help with the swelling and pain.  Scott and I have moved in with parents, not because of my diagnosis, but because we have been trying to move to Ripon.  As soon as my parents heard I needed to sleep in a recliner my dad left the hospital to buy me a recliner for my room.  It was so sweet!

Scott has been amazing through all of this.  He is my cheerleader, my muscle, and keeps me laughing when I want to cry.  I love him beyond words. 

Thank you to all of you that have sent me messages, texts, flowers, and other goodies.  I appreciate it.  I know this fight is going to be hard and I will need all the prayers and help I can get.    Keep your fingers crossed that the results come back quickly and pray that we get clear margins. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 4/ 25/18

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life.  The reality is that everything is going to change and with that knowledge a desire to cling to the sense of "normal" I have had for as long as I could.  However, the time is fast approaching and my new normal is set to begin tomorrow because surgery is scheduled....I have Breast Cancer.

I guess lets start with how this all happened.  Some may know this, others enjoy getting to know me on a more intimate level.  I found my fist lump at the age of 12 in my right breast.  There was never any reason to be concerned but doctors stressed the importance of self breast exams to me back then.  By the time I was 18 the original lump I had found 6 years prior was going to an uncomfortable size.  For a young woman with breast barley a size B, I was self conscious about the lump being noticeable, because it was.  So we did a lumpectomy and found out it was not one lump but five.  Thankfully all of them were benign.

Fast forward almost 20 years and I'm 37, still doing my own breast self exams (even though no doctor really stresses the importance of these anymore), and armed with the knowledge that I have lumpy breast and will always feel bumps...but in March a lump that I was confident had always been around started to change.  Let me specify that when doing self exams it is better to do it about a week after your period, so only once a month.  It was during that time I thought it felt different from what I remembered in February.  The concern lead me to check it the following week, and then the week after that.  The concern lead me to ask Scott (my husband) to come feel it (he's a man so of course he jumped at the chance to grope my breasts).  He agreed that yes it felt different so I made an appointment for Monday, April 6th.  The OB felt it, said next step was imagining, reminded me that 1 in 8 women get breast cancer now and sent me on my way. 

Deep down I think I knew it was going to be "something" so I went straight to radiology and asked for the first appointment available.  On Friday April 6th I had a mammogram and ultrasound done.  I didn't know this at the time but the Kaiser I was at is a Nationally Accredited Breast Cancer Center.  What that means is that the radiologist and all the technicians I was seeing that day are trained to see cancer.  After the mammogram I headed into another room for the ultrasound portion and a doctor came into the room.  The tech and the doctor started talking about stuff quietly and pointing at the screen discussing if they needed to turn on color, get different angles, remeasure sizes, etc. then stopped and the doctor asked me to sit up and cover myself.  He pulled up images on the computer and said he had no doubt that what we were looking at on the screen was Breast Cancer.  Honestly I don't know what else he said after that because I froze. 

I found out that day that it was cancer and that the lump I had felt was not alone, he had two friends that were hanging out in my breast with him.  On top of the three masses that were visible I had calcification that were visible throughout my entire breast.  The only question I could think of to ask was could they tell if it had spread and at the time my imaging wasn't showing it inside my lymph system.  He discussed next step, biopsy, and after that mastectomy due to the size of masses and amount of cancer. 

Monday the 9th I went back in for two biopsies.  On Thursday the 12th I got the call that yes they were both positive for cancer.  The irony is that the next appointment was Friday the 13th and that was when I got to learn the specifics of what I have.  Breast Cancer is an interesting beast, it is not uncommon, but each case is very unique.  For me it is really an estimate of what we think is going on inside me.  My tumors are graded at a 3, that means they are the most aggressive.  Of the three masses, my largest is over 2.4cm which is an inch or larger.  I have 3 different types of cancer inside my breast: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, and DCIS all over the breast.  They are estimating me to be at stage II, but they think it I might be closer to stage III.  My cancer is also HER-2 positive.  This is the most aggressive type Breast Cancer you can get, which is frightening, but thanks to Dr. Slamon and Genentech, there is an amazing drug that has been created to fight my specific type of cancer.

Tomorrow, April 25th, I will be undergoing a sentinel node biopsy to determine if the cancer has spread to my lymph system, followed immediately by a bi-lateral mastectomy (both boobs are outta here) and immediate reconstruction.  Once we get the pathology results back I will know more about what our next step will be, either radiation (if in my lymph system), or chemo and that will start about month after. 

Now everyone is up to speed!

If there is one thing I can ask of anyone that knows me and is reading this blog, please, please don't ask my kids questions about this.  The scariest part about being told I have cancer is that there is no way of shielding my children from the pain and fear they are going to have to endure as they watch me fight this.  I am going to try  as hard as I can to keep their life happy and normal, to be the mom I have tried to be from the first day I held Brody in my arms which is present, loving, funny, and most importantly, alive.

If you wondered why I titled my blog Biedermann Crew vs. Breast Cancer and not Alicia vs. Breast Cancer it is because  when you get cancer it effects so many more people than just the person that has the disease.  I'm new to the cancer clan but can attest to the fact that it might be harder on those around me than it is on me.  Scott, my parents, and siblings, and their spouses are going to need help.  I have no idea what that will be; a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a night out away from all the heavy stuff.  If you are able to do that for them I would appreciate it.  I am going to lean on them a lot in the coming year and it's a ripple effect.  You help them, they help me, everyone is better together! 

For now please just keep my little family in your prayers.  I feel selfish asking but I know that this is so much bigger than me and I am going to need all the help I can get.  If you want to get in touch it is easier to leave comments on here than texts, phone calls, facebook, email, etc.  I will do my best to respond to them and to keep the blog up dated.  And if you could still do self breast exams, it literally can save you life.