Am I a Freaking Man?!
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/08/16
Last night I got a grueling migraine and fell asleep at around 8 so it's no big surprise that I have been up since 4 mentally arguing with myself to go back to bed. I am still sleeping in the recliner that my dad rushed out to buy me after the mastectomies. No joke that chair is the most comfortable chair. It almost makes me feel bad for refusing to allow Scott to have one in our family room for so many years. We can all agree they aren't that pleasing to the eye, right? Hopefully I will start to feel more comfortable with the expanders and less, I'll say, pressure when I try to lay down normal. There is also this nagging fear that if I lay flat for to long my drains might decide to add a few more drops, and ain't no woman going to say they want that to happen.
It will be two weeks since surgery on Thursday and basically at this point I am a man. Let’s just want look at the facts:
I have no boobs. This is a distinct characteristic of a woman. I mean come on it is pretty much how Western Civilization defines sexuality for a woman. And sure there are some men out there with pretty nice racks, but be honest, is that going on the sexy side of the list for a man?
I smell. Bad. It is creeping up to 90 here in the Central Valley which means not only do I have just dirty body funk smell, I have a nice layer of ripe BO starting to plume around me in a cloud of green smoke. Deni has made it her mission to make sure I stay clean, and thank the Lord for her, but there is only so far a non-shower can clean you. Something no one told me was that the drains exit your body right at your armpits leaving no way to clean them, deodorize them, or shave them. I'll leave that smelly visual here for you to enjoy...vomit.
I have hair EVERYWHERE. This shouldn't bother me. Numerous times a day I remind myself that I went months without shaving during swim season so I could shave and taper for a big meet. Literally this was for over a decade of my life and it didn't really ruffle my feathers, or should I say hair follicles then. But now it makes me crazy. There is one silver lining and that is that they are getting so long that they are finally soft.
I have become the secondary caregiver. There are a ton of dad's out there that are stay at home dad's and they are great at it, so please don't let this offend anyone. We all raise our family the way that works best for us and for my crew this is, or was, our reality. First let me be clear that Scott is AH-MAZE-ING. Seriously. We have both always worked full-time in our relationship so it has been a team from day one, but there comes a point when you create a family that one parent devotes more time to raising the kids and a little less to work. This was me. I am very fortunate to work for my family business, George W. Lowry, Inc., and have the ability to work from home when needed. This also allowed Scott the ability to devote a little more time to his career and that has provided beneficial because he is a rock star at what he does. On a day to day basis I am the one to get kids ready, make lunches, get to and from school, get to all after school activities, committee to all the random volunteer requirements kids activities require, etc. My life was just my life and I took it for granite. The hustle and bustle of three young active kids plus work was tiresome and I admit that I complained on more than one occasion about it. Now I am benched. Between Scott and my mom they are doing all of it for me, except my actual job which I am trying keep up with. I miss being there for every small setback or victory my kids have. I miss seeing them wave a hundred times to me before they walk in the school gates. I miss seeing their red cheeks after a really great swim practice. I even miss the stupid fighting they do in the car for no apparent reason. My gratitude to my mom and Scott for taking all this on for me is immeasurable, but, I miss this part of my life.
I put me first by compartmentalizing. Men have this uncanny ability to stop thinking about something whenever they want and women are thinking about everything all the time. It is that multi-tasking thing that a lot of women are great at and men aren't so great at. When I am at work I get my work done but I am still thinking about Brody wondering if that mean kid is going to make another comment that sends him home sad asking why he has no friends. My mind never shuts off and Scott can turn it off at any time. It makes me crazy! Cancer has a way of forcing you to get real tough, real fast. This was a hard pill swallow. I'm a mom, I HAVE to take care of my babies, I NEED to worry about them, I WANT to see everything they are doing. Plus I have a job to do. Bills need to be paid, commitments have to be met, there are obligations people!
Men are great. I love my man! But I do not want to become one. Sure, these are gross generalizations that are born from stereotypes (which I teach in my Human Communication class not to utilize) but when you are woman, that is proud to be a woman, these things pretty much suck.
**Update I also have been wearing Scotty's button up shirts. They are so much easier to get on and hide the bulging drains attached to my tank top. So add that to the list....