Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 11/02/18

Normally when the mornings start out with a crisp chill in the air and the leaves start to change I have my hair darkened to accommodate the impending season. This year it would seem is no different but I didn't have to go to the salon to have my hair darkened.  As I have switched from the retched chemotherapy to a targeted chemotherapy my hair has slowly been starting to make an appearance.

On my quest to be as honest as possible there are no filters on these pictures.  I am again hopeful that some woman looking for answers will find this helpful.  I look a mess and would love to filter this mugshot up.  I haven't put on any makeup because I am at home and still need to do some sort of workout to keep working on getting my upper body strength back.  But back to the pictures!  On the left is the picture I took last Friday October 26.  You can see that there are some hairs long enough to stick up and they aren't gray!!!  Speaking of gray there is a whole lot more on my head now (I guess the nurses were right when they told me to get ready for gray or blonde).  

I am staying focused on how much of my scalp is visible.  When I look in the mirror and see my pale white scalp it just makes me feel and look like someone that is sick.  The picture from the 26th has more scalp showing than the one I took today.  I can also see less of the white skin peeking out on the sides.  Also the hair is softer than any hair I have ever felt.  It feels a little bit like a baby duck.  The kids love it, especially Emery.  She still has to "pet" my head every night before bed.  In my children's eyes having hair equates to being healthy so the hair coming back is a huge deal for them.  

Those that have been with me this entire time will remember the stupid acne rash on my face.  As I am getting healthier and my body is rebuilding its counts the color on my face is also changing.  I see less spots and am hopeful that means there will not be any scars.  

My plan is to trying and take a picture every Friday.  Maybe I will do a post once a month on the progress of my hair.   It will not be pretty as it grows.  I am preparing myself for chemo curl and mullets but I don't care!  I just want my hair back.  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 10/27/18

Going to the Oncology Department is a whirlwind of emotions because the patients there are all dealing with some form of chronic disease.  The department straddles the line between hope or fear, the known and unknown,  happiness or depression, and eventually life or death.  Each time you walk through the door you are one side of the line or questioning where you think you should be.  I know I have said over and over again that the only thing I have control over with cancer is my attitude and it is never more true than when you sit down in your infusion chair to get stuck with another hit of chemotherapy.

Each patient is different: a different location that the cancer is located, a different type and stage.  All of this plays into the expected outcome of your prognosis and the types of medicines you will receive.  My time in the infusion chair has only brought me face to face with one other patient that had breast cancer.  I find it ironic with how prevalent the disease is.  She was 62, stage 1, HER2+ and lucky enough to have had a tiny tumor that was removed by a lumpectomy.  That was my second round. Since that round I have met quite a few fellow cancer warriors all battling different types.  The most common seems to be in the colon that metastasizes to the liver or lungs...one of the people I have run into a few times is Josephina.  Her cancer has spread to her lungs.  The first time I  met her she was a ray of sunshine.  She is 72 years old, has the cutest Spanish accent (think Selma Hyack), and is stage 4.

Most often the infusions take a few hours so if you are chatty, which I MIGHT be, you get to know others pretty quickly.  Josephina thought she was going to die immediately.  Yet, here we are 3 years after her diagnosis and she is hanging on.  When we first met months ago she explained she was hoping to get approved for a clinical trial of a new target chemo drug.  This would be similar to what I am know taking, Herceptin, but for the tumors growing in her lungs specifically.  She was very excited about this and was heading to Walnut Creek that next week for testing. Yesterday when I sat down in my infusion chair Josephina was in the opposite one.  I was so excited!  We hadn't seen each other in a few rounds and I was anxious to find out how she was doing with the trial.  Unfortunately I found out she was not eligible for the trial.

Cancer is a fickle beast.  It does its damnedest to take over your body and you do your damnedest to prevent it from being able to spread.  The majority of clinic trials do not want patients that have cancers that have spread, or if they have spread are too close to end of life.  Josephina was in both of those categories so it prevented her for getting accepted.  Her once infectious laughter was gone yesterday.  She was so depressed and I could tell that she had given up.  I sat there and felt like a complete jerk.  I was getting the type of drug cancer patients are all hoping to get.  It reminded me of the movie about Herceptin, Living Proof, when the patients mom is hysterical and begging the doctor to get her daughter back on the trial before she dies.  I don't take for granted that I am lucky to be HER2+, lucky to have Herceptin, not something I thought at the start of this unbelievable journey...as Josephina and I talked I did find out that they had switched her cocktail and it was shrinking her tumors in her lungs.  That was exciting to me and I did my best to get her to realize that but she can't let go of not getting a target therapy medicine.

It is hard sometimes to sit in that infusion chair.  First it was because of the unknown; how was I going to respond, how sick would I be.  Then it was hard because I knew what was going to happen and I just did not want to sit back down.  Now it is hard because I know the people sitting next to me in those chairs and I wonder every time I leave if I will ever see them again.  Yesterday when I left Josephina I gave her a hug and told her to "be strong" and "don't give up", things everyone says to someone with cancer as if we have any control over if or when it will come back to end our lives and it just felt like so little.

My heart just hurts.  Round 8 was hard because of I came to the realization that I may start to lose some of these people that I have come to love.  I don't know why this hit me so hard yesterday after I left. 

This disease is loathsome.  I can say that cancer has infiltrated every aspect of my life and nothing is sacred to it.  That , the way it spreads in and out of the body is why this disease just sucks.  If it doesn't get you, then it gets the people next to you. I'm beyond frustrated.  I told Josephina I would be back in three weeks and I better see her then.  My fingers are crossed she will be there.   

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 10/25/18

About a week and a half ago I decided that I wanted to participate in a local breast cancer awareness walk.  The driving force behind this decision was my kids, especially Emmy.  For the past three weeks she has been asking Scott if I am going to die.  Neither him or I know what is causing her to suddenly ask this question when she has never asked it before.  Nevertheless it was obviously something she couldn't get out of her mind. 

This is hands down is the worst part of this entire crummy situation.  I remember right after telling Scott they thought it was cancer that I wished we didn't have kids.  My mind was consumed with how this would forever change their childhood and wanting to protect them from it, from me, and not being able to do that.  Knowing that I was the one that was going to be causing them pain...it was and is devastating.  I hoped that by doing the walk my kids might be able to see other women out there alive and thriving.  Deep down I hoped there was going to be a group of young mom's with their kids walking and it would help alleviate some of the fears my three have that aren't always voiced to me.  

So I signed up and decided to create a team.  I call my little family Biedermann Crew (hence the name of the blog) so we stuck with that for the walk.  My kids were pretty excited and opted to do the walk versus the last day of their final swim meet for the extended season.  I put a link up on social media and said join if you want!  By race day we had over 30 people signed up for our team and many more that reached out to me to say they were walking with us in spirit because they were not going to be able to be there.  Below is a picture of our team on the day of the walk.

The picture shows what great support my children have with all the cousins and friends that made it out to walk with me.  This group of kids warm my heart so much.  Each of them was in breast cancer gear from socks and bracelets to dyed pink hair and scarves, it was wonderful to see.   If a picture speaks a thousand words then all that visible support was worth a million. 

My estimate is that there was around 300 people there.  Above is a snapshot of us as the walk started.  Below are pictures I took with my "teammates".  You see and hear the saying all the time after a cancer diagnosis, "NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE".  Man is that true!  It is definitely eye opening to see what people gather round to help you and who doesn't...thankfully my circle is large and at times too supportive!

My youngest sister Alexa and her two kids.  They went straight to church after so they were very fancy for the walk!  Below is my brother Dave, SIL Alli and their baby Carter.  He was born at the exact moment I was told the imagining was showing cancer.  It is a reminder that with every bit of bad news comes good.  He is precious.

This is Rob and Devin Fasani and their sweet family of girls with my cray kids mashed in.  Devin has been such a great friend to have made a few years back when we joined the Ripon Sea Lion swim team.  I treasure her friendship and that friendship our children have created.   Rob and her are such examples of strength both physical, spirit and emotional.

My youngest brother James. SIL Lu and their two boys Zander and Jaxson.   Zander is my fourth kid for sure.  The day I can hold him without needing a break again is going to be the best day!

Next is Janet.  My girl that I only got to know through Scotty's work.  I tell her all the time I wish we had come into each other's lives earlier!  I adore her, her wife, her parents, her boys, damn her whole family with my entire heart.  We anxiously await her arrival back to California every year because life is just better with more Roger and La Belle in it.

Misty.  Oh vey this is the first person outside of my family I told about my diagnosis.  The irony is we would never have met if it weren't for our children.  Best friend Brody ever made because I got this girl in my life.  She is my rock and I don't know what I would have done without her.

Ashi and Sindi Sheth are pretty much my older brother and sister.  They have been members of our family for over 20 years now.  Sindi has type 1 diabetes and couldn't walk with us but they came and parked chairs at the finish line to cheer us home.  Best non-family family members ever!

The Thurmon's: Kris, Tim, Niko, Jacob and Noah have been buds of ours since Reyna was in preschool.  We followed each other to elementary school after that and even got to share a few years having kids in the same class.  Tim was also my girls tball coach for two years.  This family is just FUN.  If you want someone to keep your spirits up, a constant cheerleader, just need a little bit of sunshine, this your family.  I am so glad I didn't lose them when we moved because it would break my heart. 

I guess I don't have a picture of the Navonators and me but I do have one of their family and then one of Kris and I.  We met when Brody and Oliver were just turning 1.  The boys became instant friends and really the rest is history.  Through the boys being in different sports, different schools, and different cities it has not weakened their friendship or ours. 

Then my parents.  It was not easy for them to do the walk but they made it the entire way for me! 

Last of all was my family.

It was a really emotional experience for me.  My feet are still red and swollen.  I am unable to put anything on them.  You can see in the full body shots that I did the entire event in my flip flops because of the foot issues.  Also because of how painful they are I walked at a ridiculously slow pace.  My mom was so worried she borrowed a wheelchair from a friend for me.  I am 37 years old and used to be the pretty damn fit, there was no way I was not going to finish this event on my own two feet.   And I did it.  I might have been hobbling the next few days but it was worth it!

Ultimately I did this to show my kids that we are not alone.  That there are so many people out there that are lifting us up.  This walk also helped to find the fun in this situation.  They had so much being silly with their buddies.  There was so much laughter and dancing that I think I was either smiling or crying the entire time.  

To those that donated to my team, thank you!  To those that walked beside me, thank you!  To those reading this because they are going through something like me hang in there sisters and surround yourself with people as great as the ones I wrote about in this post.  It makes such a big difference.

If you want to donate to my team please use this link Biedermann Crew

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 10/14/18

So I'm a little over a week out of round 7, the round that was without the really hard chemo, and I am a bit of a mess...

It all started out great.  First with only one medicine being infused I should have been there about an hour and opted to go alone from here on out.  As I informed Scott, I am a big girl, a bad ass that is killing cancer, I don't need a man (I am full of shit, I need him something fierce).  However do to a shortage of nurses, and the pharmacy being backed up, I was there closer to two and a half hours.  Totally fine.  Let's be clear I would wait double that to get my medicine. 

From here on out I am getting Herceptin infusions.  This is a target therapy specific to HER2+ breast cancer.  As I have said on here numerous times without this drug being created women with HER2+ cancers were dying from it at every stage.  I want this medicine like a fat kid wants cake.  I also want cake, chocolate cake.  But seriously this medicine is amazing.  There is a good movie called "Living Proof" staring Harry Connick Jr in it as the doctor that created it and the struggles he had to get it developed it.  You can also read a little more about it at this link here for herceptin.

I decided to put both because if you look REAL close you can see a small amount of peach fuzz on my scalp.  Herceptin does not make you lose your hair because it specifically goes in and searches for HER2+ cells versus the other two drugs I was on that just kill everything.  As upsetting as losing my hair was in the beginning I am pretty much fine with it now.  Most days I just rock the bald head.  My kids however are anxiously awaiting the day I have hair again.  I believe in their young minds it will mean I am healed and healthy.

We have been very open and honest about my cancer and treatments with the kids.  I would like to think that this has helped them deal with it as well as they have because they are amazing.  When we talked to them about this next phase of infusions the hair coming back was what got them most excited but all three asked if I was still not going to be able to eat and have to go the bathroom all the time.  I try very hard to be honest with them so I told them that for now we didn't know.  That most likely I would be in the bathroom but hopefully no more mouth sores or weird issues with taste.  When I dropped the kids off at school before my infusion Brody grabbed this StarWars sticker out of his backpack and stuck it on my leg.  He said it was for good luck and that I would have the "force" to not get sick.  I know it is completely silly but I started at that sticker for almost the entire two and a half hours.

So here is the update on how I have been feeling since the infusion!  Honestly it is a bit unsettling to still feel icky after this infusion when nurses, my oncologist and all the reading I have done suggests Herceptin alone is pretty "easy" in comparison to the treatments that just kill everything.  Not that you care to know this but I still have diarrhea.  Actually it comes and goes.  When it goes it is replaced by gut wrenching constipation that makes you long for the diarrhea to come back.  After the diarrhea comes back you wish it hadn't and pray for the constipation.  It is a vicious cycle that I hope comes to an end soon.

Another area I thought might ease up is how lethargic I have been.  So far this is the same.  It is hard to tell if it is from the actual medicine or just my body trying to heal itself.  I really have no idea at this point. 

A new side effect (like my rash that was some what mysterious and less common) is red, swollen , burning, painful toes. 

This is not the best picture and you might have to zoom in, sorry!  A few days ago my big toe started to hurt.  I assumed I was getting a toe infection and contacted my primary care physician.  He prescribed an antibiotic and off I went thinking all would be fine in a day or two.  Fast forward a few days and now all the toes on the left foot look like the big toe and as of today half of the toes on the right foot too.  Obviously this is not an infection so I contacted my oncologist.  She said she needed to see my actual nail so I took off all the polish yesterday and sent her a picture.  Her response was she doesn't know.  There is hand and foot syndrome that is common for cancer patients but typically not when on targeted medicines alone..I feel like any weird side effect that is possible I get.  At this point the antibiotics have done nothing.  I can't put on anything but a flip flop and if even the sheet rubs on my feet I whimper.  Cookie, my 5 pound dog, stepped on them today and I broke down crying.  It is so stupid that this is a side effect I have!  Now I am bald, with rock hard expander fake boobs, limit eyebrows and eyelashes, a bloated stomach thanks to chemopause,  15 extra pounds (we are not even getting into that at this point), severe issues in the bathroom, AND I walk funny on toes that are blood red...I GIVE UP!  Seriously if the Lord wanted to make sure that cancer treatment effected every part of this Earthly body: from my head (bald now) to my toes (burning and in excruciating pain) I can say with 100% certainty that we are there.  Nothing has been missed.  Perhaps from this moment on things will be less miserable????

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 10/06/18

One of the saddest things about this whole thing, my getting cancer, is that I found out at the exact moment my nephew was born.  I am sure this is repetitive but each month on my nephew's monthly birthday I am notified of how long it has been since receiving my diagnosis.  It is bittersweet for me but also a great reminder that life goes on and with every moment of intense joy, someone, somewhere, is experiencing the exact opposite.  Why I am bringing this up?  Because on my facebook feed yesterday was an adorable picture of my nephew on his 6 month birthday which means it has been six months since I found out I had cancer.  

My life changed beyond comprehension after those words left the radiologists mouth, I went from being healthy to having a "chronic illness" (that is what they call cancer now, sounds less scarier according to one nurse).  Since then I have undergone 5 mammograms, 7 ultrasounds, 5 surgeries, countless pokes and prods for blood, 3 echocardiograms, 7 expanders fills, 2 allergic reactions, as of yesterday 7 rounds of chemo, and I am not done yet.  Cancer is exhausting.

Between my last round and most recent round I finally got the mouth sores everyone talks about during chemo.  I guess technically I did get one my first round but it went away rather quickly.  Now I know that is because my body had the ability to fight them off.  This time it didn't.  My entire mouth, gums, throat, and tongue had sores on it.  Let me tell you those things HURT.  Best way to describe them is like a canker sore on acid.  Everything hurts them: food, liquid, cold, heat, salt, sugar, you name it.  They prescribe you this stuff called magic mouthwash which is fabulous but only lasts for a short amount of time.   For me it numbed my mouth so intensely that I couldn't stop drooling.  Just one more reason not to leave my house.  

Once those finally cleared up I got this weird blood blister in my mouth. Since Lu (my sister-in-law) is a dental hygienist I sent her a picture.  Freaked me out a bit because I had not bit my mouth.  She explained to me why I probably had it in medical terms but basically it all boils down to my body being too damn weak to take care of itself.  You can also see the lovely scars on my cheeks from that allergic rash I got with my first chemo in this picture.

Another fun thing that I took a picture of the other day was my hand.  About 4 days after my last chemo I hit my hand on something.  It was a completely unremarkable experience.  

Honestly don't know what I hit, how, or when just that it was suddenly there. I put neosporin on it and a bandaid as often as I could thinking it would speed up the healing process since my white blood count and platelets are on hiatus.  Since then it has been this weird wound that won't heal.  Then yesterday it finally turned into a dry-ish scab!  That is almost 3 weeks from when I first got it.  I've decided this means that my body may finally have enough energy to start healing itself (know that my fingers are crossed as I type that).

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 09/24/18

Today is one of those days were I just feel like blah.  If I am going to be truthful I would say I'm going on day four of blah.  It is hard to put my finger on what is making me feel this way and that in and of itself is beyond frustrating.  Although I am not in the "deep dark place" that Scott always refers to, I just feel sad, and for me that is abnormal. 

If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram then you know we took off Saturday and went to the beach.  Scott had a work event up there and I needed a break.  The kids got to get crazy in the hotel pool and spa while I sat outside and watched them.  It wasn't a busy hotel so for the most part we got the pool to ourselves.  However one couple sat down and chatted with me for a good amount of time.  I look like I have cancer with my bald head, spotty eyelashes and eyebrows, and after this last round some random burning on my face so the wife asked me a lot about my "condition".  One of the questions she asked me was if I started a bucket list of things to do and see as soon as I heard the word cancer.  Over the last two weeks this is the third time someone has asked me that.  I think it is part of the reason that I am in this funk.  

Hearing the word cancer stops your heart and when it starts back up again it feels like your running a marathon.  There were dozens of images flashing through my mind after hearing those words but the only thing that ever mattered was my family.  There was never a thought to creating a bucket list of places to go and see because all I could think about was the moments I would miss out on during Scott and our children's lives if the diagnosis was terminal. 

There was a time in my life where my dreams were bigger than the sky but things change as you get older, get married and have children.  Cancer is a mutation of your genes and I think that this is what happened to my dreams too.  They became less grandiose, dare I even say simpler.  I long to see my children grow up.  Each milestone I want to be at: 8th grade graduation, high school graduation, college graduation, weddings, births.  But so much more than just those.  I want to hear about finding a cool rock on the playground, having a loose tooth, and how someone spilled a drink during lunch.  I want to be there for it all.  Plus I want to be next to Scott at our 13th anniversary (next year) and our 25th.  That is my bucket list.  

This past week my kids, Scotty and I have been at each others throats.  No one has been happy and the smallest little thing has set off the kids.  There was way too much unhappiness, yelling, and name calling (between the kids).  As much as I hate that, and I do, it makes me so glad that I am here to be in the middle of it.  Life is not all sunshine and roses, it is messy.  There are so many moments that hurt your heart but there are so many more occasions that make your heart burst with happiness.  Those moments, good and bad, are what I live for.

Our little one day trip to the coast was a much needed reset for my family.  As I sat on the deck of the pool watching my kids play I felt so content as their laughter rolled over me.  It is the simplest thing that sometimes have the biggest impact, like asking someone with cancer about a bucket list.  I am limited in what I can do and because of that I am spending an obscene amount of time on the sidelines of life but it will be worth it when I am better. 

The kids wanted Chinese food so we got an Uber to get take out...first time doing that without Scott.  The kids were certain we were going to get killed because they saw on the news that an Uber driver killed someone...omg it was an adventure.

Me trying hard to hide my appreciation of Brody's manners while he enjoyed the free smores bar the hotel had by the pool.

Snuggled up and watched The Blind Side before bedtime.  Before we headed home we stopped at the Aquarium.  There were to many people there so I spent most of the time sitting outside of the exhibits on benches or even outside looking at the ocean but the kids loved it. 

Every time I asked them to take a picture they would hug each other.  I think the mini vacation was worth it!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 09/15/18

Over the past month all I have cared about was my platelet counts.  Were they going to be too low?  What could I do to help them get higher?  Even my last post was about how elated I was that my number was high enough because that meant no fear of needing to postpone chemo again.  But in typical cancer style one thing gets better and something else suddenly gets worse. 

My nurse yesterday was Kathy.  Chemo medicine is not mixed until about an hour or so before your appointment.  Every infusion you get a call to confirm who your nurse will be, if  your blood work has been given the good ahead, and to make sure you are still planning to be there.  When Kathy called she asked if I was the type of patient that looked at her blood work.  This was Kathy and my first time together so she doesn't know that I am a medicine journal junky at this point and should really go back to school to become a nurse.  So I replied yes...duh.  To which she responded then I  had to have noticed how low my neutrophils were.  Which I had but no one had ever been concerned about them, sooooo, I hadn't been concerned about them.  

Neutrophils are white blood cells and they do most of the fighting off of germs.  They are our internal army.  We want our army to be strong.  In order for them to be strong they need to have had time to mature, learn to fight, get educated on how to be effective.  Right now I have two things going wrong.  First, I have very low neutrophils which means what warriors are in my blood are few in number.  Second, the warriors still in my blood are babies and not ready to fight much of anything.  For chemo to be considered safe patients area allowed to receive treatment in an unhealthy range.  Typically this is no lower than 1.5 or 1,500.  In a healthy person they would be double or triple that number.  I am at 1.3 or 1,300 before I went in for chemo yesterday.

Kathy explained that my Oncologist had approved me for chemo yesterday even though it was out of range by a significant amount and she wanted to talk to me about this when I came in for my infusions.   At this point I was still feeling confident that I would be fine.  So off Scotty and I went to get my drugs.  But these nurses are no joke.  When I say they care about their patients, they really care about us.  Kathy went full mama bear and by they time she was done explaining why this was so serious I felt a little sick to my stomach.  Scott was texting my mom the entire time so basically I am going to be put back into the bubble.

Essentially what was explained, in great detail, was that it probably wasn't the best decision to have chemo yesterday.  Starting at 1.3, and that is when I am at my healthiest point since the last treatment, and prior to that chemo I was at a 1.5 (meaning my body is not recovering but becoming more and more worn down and weak) shows that my body is on a downward trend.  Most likely I will get below 1.0 or 0.9.  That level is pretty bad for scary infections or illnesses.  One of the reasons for this is that since my levels are so low the white blood cells don't have enough warriors to send out signals to my body to tell it that it is sick.  Think temperature, redness, puss, pain, etc.  By the time one of them is free to go send out the signal I will be really, really sick. 

So why did my ONC okay chemo right?  My guess is because it is the last one of the medicines that are killing off all of my cells.  After this one the next medicine doesn't kill off my cells in my bone marrow but targets specific HER2+ cancer cells.  Ultimately it will give my body the break it desperately needs to start regenerating its army.  I also think I might have been pushy about not wanting to postpone any more treatments.  It is demoralizing to know that my body can't seem to work harder to be ready in the three week time frame.  This might seem silly but statistically that is what most women are able to do.  I don't want to be special and need more time damn it!  Then I look at other patients that go every week or every other week and think gees their bodies can take it and be ready in half the time as mine!  What the hell!!!  It depresses me and makes me feel so weak.  My brother John told my mom when I had to postpone treatment an extra week for round 5 that I need to stop comparing myself to other patients.  Since my cancer was the most aggressive (highest graded tumors, HER2+, fastest growing) I am not getting a band-aid, I am getting an atomic bomb dropped into my body every three weeks.  It does help me mentally to think of it more like that...but still cancer strips you of so much more than just your physical health.

Next questions is what do I do to prevent myself from getting sick for the next 6 or more weeks (because that is the minimum amount of time Kathy says I should be cautious)?  Stay quarantined.  I call it the bubble which is what Scott and my parents have done from the beginning really.  Stay in doors, stay in my own home, don't use public bathrooms and if I have to bring bleach wipes and my own hand sanitizer, pretty much stay away from everyone and everything.  Sounds crazy but most people don't die from Cancer or AIDS, they die because they have no more white blood cells to fight of another illness they get because the initial disease has weakened their immune system so badly.  Always a nice reality check to hear as you are being pumped with said medicine....

As with every round Scotty was at my side.  He got lucky for this round and we were put into a large private room.  There was 3 large chairs and since we were alone Kathy told Scott he could move to the big chair.  Those are pretty comfy chairs and I was teasing Scott the entire time I gave him minutes before he was going to be asleep.  It took almost two hours because he was working but once I gave him the warm blanket they brought me (it was too much with the persistent hot flashes) he was out!

This man makes me smile so often and so big.  I love him so much and will be forever grateful for him.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 09/14/18

Well, it has taken almost two weeks but Biedermann Crew is officially settled into our new home.  As of yesterday we have tv and internet which are the two most important "things" in a move I guess.  We have found that living without them does make you feel rather disconnected.  Compiled with the lack of technology and media is the frustrating realization that on the side of town we moved to AT&T has the worse cell service in all of the County.  This means my phone also has limited capabilities as well. To say it has been an interesting few weeks in our house is an understatement and that we are overjoyed to be reconnected.  (I will get a few pictures of the house up in another post)

To get up to speed I am doing good.  The second half of round 5 was better than the first half.  I was able to eat a little meat and found a sparkling water that tasted rather decent.  Having been able to eat a little more and keep more fluid in me made a huge difference.  Overall I had more energy and was able to sleep longer stretches of time because the stomach pain had lessened.

In an effort to conserve all my energy into only being focused on my body regenerating itself (if that is even possible) I didn't work out during this round.  It should seem easy enough to not do since the workouts are only about 30 min to an hour but damn it was hard!  I felt more tired than normal and attributed it to the lack of physical exercise.  It does not help that it makes me feel like a sloth too.

Yesterday I had my blood work drawn to see how the numbers look for ROUND 6.  If you don't remember my chemo regiment is 6 rounds of TCH followed by a year of just H.  The TC are the more toxic medicines; hair falls out, destroys the bone marrow, red and white blood cells die off, platelets disappear...it's a long and nasty list that I will be happy to be done with.

Thankfully when I checked my results my platelets were at 136!  That is still below the low range but it is high enough for Chemo today baby!!  I am telling myself that not working out did give my body more energy to stay strong.  No way was I postponing another week.  Not going to happen.  I have this all planned out and there is no way that anything is standing in my way.  I will kick cancers crap no matter how low my platelets get.  Mind you I will be a sight to see; bald, missing eyelashes, and bruised from head to toe.  But who cares, let's do this!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 08/31/18

Thankfully my numbers were high enough last Friday to go in for my infusion.  Not going to lie, I was more nervous for that infusion than the first.  My mind would not turn off; all the "what if" questions, specifically, what if this round is worse than all the others because my body had an extra week to heal...I was sweating out of fear, not the chemopause induced hot flashes I am currently suffering from.  

My hair is pretty much gone now (I will try to get a good picture up close of my head for a later post).  The saying, "gray is stubborn," must have came from a patient going through chemo because literally every hair on my body has fallen off but the gray ones.  If you look close you can see a few sticking up in the image of Scotty and I.  Those damn gray hairs are at least three times the length of the few brown stragglers clinging on to my poor scalp for dear life.  People ask me when they see my head why I don't just shave it but I get a sick pleasure seeing how long those stupid gray hairs are going to get.

In the grand scheme of things this round has been pretty similar to the last few.  The only thing that really seems worse is the stomach cramps.  I described the pain to my kids as if someone was taking my insides and putting them through a meat grinder. THE PAIN IS RELENTLESS.  I have tried everything to make it go away and nothing works.  Out of desperation I took extra nausea pills to try to discourage it but that didn't do a thing. 

Monday was really rough.  As I think back I can't even pinpoint when it started but it slowly raveled out of control once I got the kids from school.  My kids were so great.  I told them that I wasn't feeling good and had to go lay down.  All three of them stayed quiet, helped each other with homework, got their own snacks, and then stayed upstairs in the girls room so I could rest.  When I finally woke up, two hours later, the kids helped me make dinner.  I haven't felt that bad since first round.  

Today is exactly one week from round 5 and unfortunately the diarrhea has set in.   Actually I am so much happier to have this side effect than vomiting.  I hate to vomit.  The only thing that is just miserable with this is that I am starving.  Food still continues to taste disgusting and spending extra time in the bathroom makes my body even hungrier.  Those of you wondering I am still gaining weight, insert emoji of mind being blown up.  I do not get it.  

During this week Brody also graduated out of Cub Scouts.  I am so proud of this kid for not slacking on Scouting and a huge thanks to my mom for keeping him on track.  In the mom department I have been MIA since cancer took over my life and she is hands down the best mom and grandma ever.  I could not have gotten through this without her.  She is also Brody's leader in Weblos and created the coolest ceremony and arrow of light award.  

One thing I could do was make a sweet treat for the Brody.  My mom helped me but we whipped up these arrow cupcakes in double chocolate, his favorite.

I should apologize for not posting sooner.  In my pursuit of being honest on this blog I will say that most days I figure there are about 8 people reading this and almost all of them are related to me.  If I feel too tired to update it I rationalize they already know how I am and it's no big deal.  Then two days ago a dear friend came by to visit from Oregon and told me she was concerned this had been a really rough round because I had not updated my blog...oops....I will be more diligent about updating moving forward.  For those of you reading this I appreciate that you take the time to pull it up and are concerned enough about me to want to know how I am doing.  Thank you!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 08/17/18

Well I just got the call saying chemo is off.  The pharmacist refused to mix my medicines because of how low my platelets, red and white blood counts are.  I'm frustrated.  It takes me a day to mentally prepare for these infusions and to not be able to have it is depressing.  

They suggest resting and eating healthy between now and next Thursday.  Ironically that is all I do these days and it doesn't seem to be helping.  

Now I wait.  Next Thursday they will retest my blood and if the counts are good I can do round 5 next Friday.  If the numbers look too low still we wait another week and retest again on Thursday.  This will continue until my body has regenerated enough to be in a safe range to handle the medicine.  

I am praying that by next week my numbers will be high enough.  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 08/17/18

It's early (2:30 am), or late, depending on your perspective.  On the morning of round 5 for me it is early.  I have been attempting to sleep for hours but decided to give it up and jump on here to clear my head.  You would think that after doing this four times I would be less anxious, yet each time I am at this same crossroad, of fear and anticipation.  Fear because I know how bad I am going to feel after getting the medicine and anticipation because I know it is the best chance of giving me a very long life.  It is an odd mix of emotions that I think really only someone that has gone through this can honestly understand.  I know before this I had nothing to use as perspective and never imagined how strong people that get cancer have to be.  It's a little bit taxing to say the least.

As with every round I have my blood drawn 24 hours prior to the infusion so that was done yesterday.  I really felt pretty good this time around.  The majority of my bruising seemed to come early in cycle four, there were less nose bleeds, and I didn't notice any random additional bleeding.  Truthfully I thought my blood work was going to come back better than last time based on that.  Regrettably it came back worse. 

Last time my platelets were at 115 which was low but not terrible.  If the number gets to 70 or below we have to post pone chemo to let my body recover longer.  Essentially it means my bone marrow isn't able to produce enough healthy blood cells to keep my body in a safe zone.  My number yesterday was 71...not good.  On top of that my red and white blood counts are not good either.  It seems that my anemia is getting worse even with all the different ways I have tried to bolster them through diet.  Not gonna lie it is a little bit depressing. 

In my head I know that I have no control over the numbers I am reading on my blood tests but I feel like I am some how letting myself down.  I try to give my body pep talks, it is the competitive athlete in me I think and the knowledge that our mind is our most powerful muscle, but I am frustrated that mine is too weak to force the numbers higher.  Insert a long deep sigh here.

Of course as I washing dishes after dinner a pair of tongs snapped and cut the middle of my palm.  Seriously this cut was minuscule but bleed like I severed an artery.  Ah-Ha moment, my platelets have literally given up the fight so to get it to stop bleeding I had to crazy glue the skin back together.

This week I also met with my oncologist regarding the random "spells" I have had and swelling.  After a lengthy discussion we both decided it was best for us to not change or add anything to my regiment.  From her perspective a water pill is not going to remove the problem because it is a side effect from one of my chemo drugs.  I might get a small reduction in the amount of swelling but it wouldn't go back to normal.  Another option was to decrease the drug causing the swelling but it is the most effective one I am on at killing cancer cells.  If we were decrease it so close to being done there would be a slightly higher chance at reoccuracne.   Ultimately it was my decision and I chose to not change anything.  This was a hard decision to make because I had to willing say, "yes please give me cankles, a slight limp, no pants that fit but cropped yoga pants, and stretch out my favorite flip flops to never fit again."  On the opposite side I am increasing my chance at life.  It sucks but it is an easy(ish) decision to make.

This post might sound like I am in a deep dark place, I'm not.  What I have come to realize is that you have to just accept this, all of it.  There is no good physical side effect from getting cancer.  I know that I am going to feel awful.  It is hard, but I am accepting the new level of energy I have...none.  Though it is hard I am embracing my continuing transformation into my father (balding head, gray hair that keeps growing and won't lay down, legs that swell just like his, and no I don't want to borrow your compression socks dad).  The fact that I wake up with a new bruise somewhere and stiff painful leg muscles like an elderly woman is anticipated.  It is getting harder and harder to remember how easy life was four months ago, and life really was. 

One thing cancer does do is remind you how precious life is.  I look at my family and am more thankful than I ever knew possible.  In fact the other day I was talking to a friend that lost his wife to cancer.  We were discussing how you gain an elevated level of knowledge in so many areas of life when you and your spouse go through this.  I told him I remember meeting Scott and falling in love with him thinking, there is no way I could love that man more than I do this day.  Then we got married and I thought, there is never going to be a day I could love him more than this day.  Then we got pregnant and the day I held Brody in my arms I looked at Scott and thought, there is no way I could ever love this man more than I do today for this precious gift he helped give to me.  Then we had Reyna and Emery and I thought, okay this is it, my love could not grow more than this for this man.  Then I got cancer and I watched him support me and I knew.  This was the moment.  This was the day that I knew I could never ever love him deeper than I did.  Cancer gave me that.  So in some weird way I am thankful for this stupid, painful, horrible disease. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 08/15/18

Often times really good things are followed or preceded by really bad things, at least in my experience.  Below is a bit of a story to set the stage for the newest side effects I have experienced so bare with me! 

I haven't said anything on here because I think I was afraid it would jinx it and some how things would fall through...but we bought a house in Ripon finally.  It actually closed a month or so ago but we are doing some work on the house before we fully move in.  Plus my mom would do pretty much anything to keep me with her till I finish up the bad chemo and is overjoyed at the prospect of a renovation project to prolong our stay.  Below are a few pictures of the demolition.

We are redoing the kitchen, ripped out all the flooring, adding tile and new carpet, painting, adding new light fixtures and fans, plus putting in a pool.  The flooring was a must because the previous owners had lots of animals that had accidents inside.  In the kitchen we are resurfacing cabinets, adding a double oven, moving the microwave, adding quartz counters, a larger sink, backsplash, and pendent lights.  It is going to be beautiful to me and I can't wait!  

In an effort to save money we (by we I mean Scott mainly, with the help of my brother James, my pops, and my brother-in-law's Tone and Ryan) removed all the flooring.  That was a intense process and exhausting, but it got done.  We also decided to paint the entire house by ourselves.  We have painted all of our houses so this seems like no big deal.  Wrong.  

I was hoping to get all the painting done before my next chemo and also before work started on the kitchen.  Off we went to buy our paint at Lowe's not knowing that their merge with Sherwin Williams would be a negative combination.  The paint in the first set we bought was the color I had picked out  and loved.  We should have had enough paint to finish the entire house if was not flat paint and I swear only a primer.  So we ran and bought more paint.  The second set of paint was a slightly different color but not noticeably different till it had dried.  Of course it was all the cutting, or edges, that I had done that were wrong color.  Back to Lowe's we go and explain the problem to the paint dude who gives us another bucket...we go home redo the room...wait to dry...doesn't match.  By this time 90% of the house is done and almost every room has to be repainted. 

Scott and I went to Lowe's that night with every container of paint we had bought and pictures to show them that it really wasn't the same color even if the name matched.  I honestly thought it was chemo brain and I was the only one that could see the colors were different the first time it happened.  Come to find out they got a new paint mixer when they merged with Sherwin Williams and it was screwing up all the paint.  We got back all our money plus all new paint, which is great, but we still have to repaint the entire house again! 

In my mad dash to get the painting done before my next round of chemo I didn't stop to eat lunch one day.  Mind you I ate two kind bars, a ton of cashews and 2 apples, but it wasn't a traditional "meal".  Scot and I painted from about 7 am till 6 pm.  When we got back to my parents we were both starving and dinner was ready so we sat down to chow down.  As we were eating we were all talking about my day and this is when the first weird thing happened.  It started slowly, I miss said a word...like it got jumbled coming out.  Then I said an entire sentence with the words in the wrong place.  Example: let the dog outside, was actually coming out of my mouth as, dog the outside let.  After that I tried to just speak and it was jibberish, not intelligible at all.  I remember Scott put his arm on my shoulder and told me to wait for a bit and not talk.  When I tried again I had to go super slow and all I said was what the heck is wrong with me?!

Dinner progressed on and I got a text from my friend Miranda.  I tried to read the screen and couldn't focus enough to read the screen so I had to have Scott read it to me.  Then when he handed me back the phone I dropped it because my hand was numb.  At this point I looked at everyone and said I needed to go lay down.  By this time it was almost 7.  The next thing I remember was waking up at 8 am the next day.  When I came out of my room my mom looked scared to death.  I felt fine, normal even.  We talked and decided it must have been that I hadn't eaten or drank enough while painting.  So at this point I am back to my mom trying to force food down me...and the house is still not done being painted.

Then last weekend Scott and I had a wedding for some good friends down in Newport.  I really wanted to attend and because of where it fell in the schedule of my chemo we decided it would be okay.  Since my diagnosis I haven't really left the house beyond going to the doctor because I don't want to end up in the hospital over a cold or worse.   So this was a big outing.  My oncologist said it would be okay but no flying, too many germs.  She gave other recommendations like stay near an open door or outside at the event if possible, don't shake hands, and no fish.  Scotty and I like a good road trip so we were excited!

The drive down was nice.  Scott stopped more frequently than we typically do to make me get out and stretch my legs, go the bathroom, and eat (because my mom lectured him I needed full meals in hopes of never having that weird episode again from the other day).  I never noticed that my legs felt any different nor did I LOOK at my legs until we got to Newport and went to grab dinner.  When I stepped out of the car my legs felt heavier than normal and when I looked down, THEY WERE ENORMOUS!  I swear it looked like my legs had doubled in size and my toes were so fat I thought my toenail was going to physically pop off. 

My super sexy swollen legs stayed the entire weekend (in case you are wondering they are still huge now) and that cut down on any adventuring we might have done while down in Orange County.  We did go to one set of stores to find the kids a little gift but other than that I slept or laid on the ground with my legs against the wall.  It was pretty lame.  However the wedding was amazing, think People Magazine amazing.  I didn't shake hands with anyone which I am sure people thought was rude of me, nor did I eat fish, and I couldn't get up to dance with Scotty because my feet and legs were throbbing but it was a wonderful weekend.

I wore a wig for the first time too...I know lots of women with cancer love the wig but I am not a fan.  Though I am sure no one is looking at me I feel like it makes me stand out and scream I have cancer more than a bald head.  Seems dumb I know and it isn't rational at all but to me everyone knows I have cancer, they know I am bald, I'd rather embrace it I guess.   I will say it looked better than I thought it would...made me miss my hair quite a bit.

I am going to see my oncologist this morning about the wacky things that have been going on.   Pretty sure I am going to need a water pill of some type to get rid of the swelling...

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 08/04/2018

It's one week in from round 4 and so far I am doing pretty good.  There is a part of me that wants (desperately so) to say I am getting the hang of chemo but I think it is wishful thinking.  Whatever helps you sleep at night right?!  Seeing as its 4 am and I have been awake since after 2 it isn't helping, but I feel better telling myself, "you got this Alicia!"

As far as side effects come and go it has been similar to the last few rounds.  Food smells wonderful and tastes horrible or like nothing (yet I gained 2 more pounds which boggles my mind).  All liquid tastes like it is rotten and I mean ALL LIQUIDS: water, coffee, tea, Gatorade, sparkling anything, juice, you name it (only thing I haven't tried yet is kombucha).  Since I am having issues with my blood and anemia I continue to try meat every night at dinner only to end up spitting it back up into a napkin.  So yeah, meat sucks as bad as my table manners these days.  I just got a new protein supplement to try in my morning smoothies to help with the iron issues.  Keep your fingers crossed I can suck it down.

One of the recommendations with cancer is to exercise.  This seems like an easy thing to do when I have done it my entire life yet when you toss chemo in the mix it gets a little bit harder.  My workouts are nothing intense, some days I ride a stationary bike on the lowest level because I am so darn tired but a workout is a workout so I try to get something in every single day.  On Tuesday I was finally feeling energetic enough to get off the bike and do an actual HIIT workout.  To be safe I decided 20 minutes, low intensity, with a focus on the legs (think squats, lunges, maybe a burpee).  About 10 minutes in I started to feel light headed and really hot.  My first thought was, I need to do more workouts like this because I am severely out of shape, when all of the sudden everything started to go black.  I reached out to grab a table to the right of me to steady myself with only to end up falling over to the left.  Thankfully I partially hit the couch.  Brody was in the room with me and he started to scream, "Mom what happened?  Did you just get shot!?"  Which now, days later, makes me bust up laughing because it was so random.  When I asked him why he asked that he explained he had never seen anyone fall over like that except when someone is shot in a movie (note to self, I need to ask Scott about the comic book movies they have been binge watching).  At the time I was so out of it that I couldn't even respond or move for about five to ten minutes.  No idea why this happened but I never finished the workout...and the next day I didn't do any form of exercise beyond walking from my bed to the bathroom.  Really hoping that this doesn't happen again...

Last week I wrote an entire post about my bad blood.  It is difficult to say with 100% accuracy that my blood is getting worse without an actual blood test, but I am getting more bruising which means it probably is.  The largest bruise on my arm from almost three weeks ago now still has not gone away and it is just so ugly to see.  That bruise is joined by so many new ones, thankfully most are smaller and less tender.  It makes you feel very frail when you look at your body and see the visual portrayal of how weak you are becoming.  I know I write this often but cancer is mentally draining.  I feel like me; capable, independent, strong.  Then I look at myself and know that right now I'm not.  

One area that no one without cancer really wants to know, but those of us with cancer talk about at great lengths, is what goes on in the bathroom.  I am happy to report that I am having more days without constipation this round!  This may seem like no big thing but it might make me as happy as not having the rash come back.   It has decreased the severity of the cramping in my stomach and back.  I told my mom the other day I think I am looking forward to being able to eat something, have it taste decent, and then have a normal bowel movement after chemo is over...it's the little things my friends!  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/28/18

When Scott and I got married, 12 years ago today, one of the lines I wanted removed from the vows was,"till death do us part."  I do not believe that God will be parting me from my family once I return to him, but instead, have them waiting with open arms, just like he will be when we reach our celestial home.  That one line was the only line either Scott or I really thought about in great depth.  It never crossed our minds that the line that would really matter was, "in sickness and in health." 

Of course 12 years ago, and almost 3 years of togetherness before that, we were both (Scott still is thankfully) healthy with the worst ailments being a cold or flu on occasion.  Sickness was something we figured would matter in the very distant future and really wasn't all that tangible in our minds, at least not mine. 

To say it was a shocking to get a cancer diagnosis is true, but at 37, it was heart stopping for both of us.  I remember sitting in the car after my appointment on April 6th knowing that I had cancer but unsure how "bad" the diagnosis was going to be and all I could think about was Scott.  Every memory of our life together up to that moment played through my head.  I remembered seeing him for the first time walking into our graduate seminar course and being struck speechless, then kicking myself for being so scared to go from friends to "more than friends" for over a year.  I thought about the three beautiful babies we had made together and what an amazing dad he is to them.  But most of all, I just thought about how cancer was going to change us.

After we had put the kids to bed that night I asked Scott to sit down on the bed across from me where I was sitting on a chair.  I told him not to touch me till I was done talking.  I knew if he touched me I would break down and I had to be certain to tell him everything I had learned at that appointment.  He didn't listen, typical man, so I blubbered my way through the entire thing.  In the end he just held me and said all the right things.  Before we were married I knew he was the man I was meant to have my forever with and in that moment I felt that same feeling.  I don't know how many times he told me that he couldn't live without me that night, and I felt the exact same way, still do. 

Scott has a very demanding job that at times requires him to be gone early and home late, travel for extended periods of time both domestic and internationally, so getting personal time with him is scheduled in advance.  Once we got the biopsies back we knew that things had to be accelerated and there was very little time to schedule things out months in advance.  I think it was less than 3 weeks from my imaging that we in the operating room in hopes of getting all the tumors out before they got larger or spread any faster.   However Scott canceled and rescheduled every appointment and trip he had that interfered with any appointment or surgery I had.  It was challenging for him and ultimately has made his life so much more stressful, both at work and home, but he did it without me every asking. 

After my bilateral mastectomy (fancy for both boobs getting chopped off) I couldn't do a thing.  Scott had to help me go the bathroom, push the soap dispenser, get dressed, lift everything even my plate for meals.  He never complained.  In fact most of the time he had me laughing so hard my incisions hurt.  As a wife you never ever want your partner to see you like that.  Not only had I lost my breasts, making me feel unattractive to him, I was as a weak as a baby, plus I couldn't shower so I stank.  I remember this one night sitting in my chair getting ready for bed and Scott got out of bed, came over to me, kissed my forehead, and told me if there was a way he could sit in the chair and hold me all night he would because he missed me not being next to him...there is just no one in this world I would ever want at my side than him.

Once chemo started I told Scott that lots of people had offered to come with me.  There is a lot of sitting and if you don't bring stuff to do you will be bored, I figured he would take a pass on this part of the cancer journey.  Yet again he rescheduled everything to be there.  So far he hasn't missed one.   He is able to actually work while he is there so he steps out to take a phone call here and there, but he takes care of me the entire time.  The nurses get a kick out of him because he will be on the phone, responding to an email, and then trying to force me to take a drink of water, or wrapping a blanket around me.  He never stops and I know how lucky I am because not many patients have a partner with them in there. 

Chemo round 1

Chemo round 3

No picture of us from chemo 2 because my friend Esther (who also has cancer) came and sat with me so Scotty and I forgot to snap one, oops!  Below was round 4 that happened yesterday.  Scott hates pictures so I am pretty excitement to have all these.  

He is my rock, my best friend, my true love, honestly, my everything.  On our way to chemo yesterday I started crying (I am clearly over emotional these days) because I was thinking about our anniversary and that I hadn't got Scott anything (I don't go shopping much these days even online).  I know gifts aren't what matter but I have no idea how to make him feel as loved as he makes me feel.  Not a day goes by that I don't look at him and just say thank you to God that I found him.  The reality is that you don't know how you are going to react to this type of diagnosis.  It can tear your relationship apart or bring you closer than you ever imagined.  There was never a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't make it together in this life.  It has brought us closer than I ever knew possible and in a weird way I am grateful to cancer for doing that.  There is no one else I could weather this storm with than him.  I need him, more so now than ever, he has made my life so much brighter, joyful, and full of humor.   

If I have learned anything up to this point it is that your crew, or team, surrounding you is the best medicine you can have.  Scotty is that for me.  He makes me laugh when I need to, he holds me when I cry, he listens to my worries and fears, and he is there whether I think I need him or not, and he has picked up all the slack I have had to let slide over the past few months.  I love him beyond measure and cherish every single moment I get with him.  My hope is we will get to celebrate this day every year for the next 70 plus years.  Happy anniversary Scotty B I love you!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/27/18

Over the last week I started to have mysterious bruises showing up on my body.  The majority of them were small and covered my lower legs.  None of them were dark or big so I shrugged it off as me being less graceful than normal since chemosabe entered my life months ago.  Then Emery came into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and asked if I wanted a kiss on my bruise before she went to bed.  Thinking that was odd I told her no because I had on long pants (side note I am freezing and it is 107 where I live).  Emmy gave me a look that said, "oh no mom's chemo brain is a real thing," and pointed at my arm.

You can see the blackish bruise towards the top and middle of my arm, plus a red bruise going down the length of my arm.  How on Earth I didn't feel this has boggled my mind because this picture, unfiltered, does not pick up how dark and ugly it is.  We decided not to kiss it since it was nasty but kissed my shoulder instead, which of course made it all better...not really it is getting darker and super gross.

About two days after this I got a bruise very similar on the opposite side of my body down my leg.  I knew this time that I had not ran into anything since I was attempting to be more cautious as I obviously bruise easier since on chemo.  I did try to get a picture but it is in a weird spot and I am not a contortionist. 

The new bruises combined with the increase bloody noses was concerning to me so I contacted my doctor.  After a consult with my oncologist, and blood work, we knew that this is happening because my platelets are low and I am anemic.  Neither are bad enough to postpone my next infusion, number 4 (thank goodness) but if my platelets get much lower we will have postpone my next infusion, round 5.  I did blood work yesterday because that is when I am considered my healthiest and my platelets were at 115.  If it gets below 70 then we postpone.  My numbers started at around 389 before my first infusion 3 months ago to give you a starting point.  With each subsequent injection I have gotten lower.  Before my last infusion three weeks ago I was 159.  It sucks that for this there is nothing that I can do to prevent it or boost my numbers, we just wait and see.  As for the anemia it is pretty mild and I am continuing to try to minimize it through diet.  So far that seems to be working as my numbers stayed the same instead of the steady decrease that has happened over the past few rounds. 

Sadly, the platelet thing isn't a new development for me.  If you didn't know me as child you wouldn't know that I grew up with a bleeding disorder.  I was factor 7 deficient.  We found out when I was 11 due to a minor complication with a blister, that turned into a rather large and painful blood blister.  I spent lots of time at the hematologist office and learned that it was rare for a woman to have it, was the only bleeding disorder that had no medicine to correct it, and could potentially go away with the help of hormones or pregnancy.  At the age of 11 my mom was not going to start messing around with different hormone treatments on me (thanks mom!)  instead opted for a medic alert bracelet and time. 

My life was pretty normal except when surgeries were needed.  For me standard protocol was fresh frozen plasma injected into my veins or sometimes directly into the incision site to prevent me from bleeding to death.  I also am not allowed to donate blood.  So for those of you that can know people like me are grateful for you that are able and willing to do it.  Lucky for me my hematologist was correct.  With each one of my pregnancies my numbers got better and after Emery my bleeding disorder went completely away.  I get retested about every three years but so far so good.  The female body is scientifically amazing to me.  Because God's plan was for it to create life it has the ability to regenerate certain compounds in the blood.  Clotting disorders are one of those able to regenerate and a reason why hemophilia and other bleeding disorders are so rare in woman.

I guess we can add this onto the new side effects column for those keeping track.  The only other noticeable difference is the level of exhaustion is increasing still.  By the time I hit 3 pm I am done.  I've explain in other posts it is more tired than pregnancy.  It is, but it is a different type of tired.  People use the expression, "bone tired" and that is the best way to describe it.  My bones literally feel tired.  With pregnancy my brain was tired, but my body felt fine.  Now it is the opposite.  My muscles ache as if I went for a six mile run (please note there has been no running in almost four months) and did not stretch after.  My bones hurt almost as if they are tired of trying to support my body, it is a really odd feeling.  It is also super frustrating because I am doing everything I can to help alleviate this with healthy food, lots of liquid, and working out (again not running but short HIIT, Pilates, Yoga, etc).  Frankly nothing I do is going to remove this from my life until Chemosabe stops, even then, it will be a waiting game to see how I respond to the one medicine needed for the remainder of the year. 

When I look in the mirror I think I still look pretty healthy.  To clarify, not pretty.   I see the dark spots left all over my face from the rash that came in round one and pray will fade...I witness the lack of hair each day that is missing from my head leaving a ghostly white scalp...I notice each eyelash and eyebrow that has disappeared and wonder how soon I will be counting how many are struggling to stay on...I examine each scar on my neck, chest, and breasts and hope they heal a little faster each day.  BUT I don't look like what you see cancer patients portrayed in the movies.  On the outside I am holding strong, on the inside is where I am slowly declining.  That is more frustrating than what is visible in the mirror.  If there was a way to make my blood work harder, faster, and some how healthier I would gladly do it, or take it.  Feeling weak and having things happen out of my control, like the bruising, is disheartening to say the least. 

Still, with all of this being noted I wouldn't change it.  As much as I wish I didn't have to go through it I don't pray I never got this disease.  For some reason it was meant to be me and it is in God's plan.  I hope that means it has spared someone else from getting this disease who might not have the same support as me, the same faith in God, or the ability to stay positive.  I do pray that my honesty here, within this blog, might help someone in the world be less scared or apprehensive about the journey they might be starting.  If it makes one woman do a self exam or schedule a mammogram it is worth it. 

Cancer is just horrible in every stage and in every type.  I am indebted to the doctors, researchers, and women that worked diligent and were willing to take part in research studies to understand more specifically  HER2+ breast cancer.  The treatment might have some nasty side effects but it is also saving my life and for that I will be eternally grateful.  For that I will gladly sit down in the infusion chair tomorrow and get injected with medicine that I know will magnify all the bad side effects I already have and bring about some new ones...but I chose to live and this to shall pass.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/23/18

Never did I think my kids would deliberate over what toys to buy based on my health.  Yet this weekend that is exactly what they did while Scott took Emery, Reyna, and Brody to the store.  Emery had birthday money to spend and Brody had filled his chore and kindness chart.  When they left the house both of them had told me what they were going to buy.  No one told me it was going to be something that had to be pink or related to cancer in any way.

While Emery was searching for more Enchantimals Reyna found this barbie.  She was so excited to see a barbie that looked like my hair now that she went screaming for Emery.  When Emery saw it she had to buy it because it looked "just like mom".  She came home with a bag full of goodies she purchased with her money but the only thing she wanted to show me was the barbie she found.  It is called her "mommy doll".  That doll has been everywhere with her since she got it: the table for each meal, the couch to watch Fuller House, and to bed to sleep by her.  As she explained to me the doll even has a pink necklace and high heels, which I love to wear, plus hair exactly like mine!  

Then Brody dumped out his bag of goodies he purchased and ripped open one of the packages with total excitement telling me to "wait for it!"  Out flew a pink halo guy.  Not many boys are overly excited about pink action figures but this kid was overjoyed!  He calls it the "breast warrior in the pack", lol.

Every time I think we are done seeing how far cancer can push into our lives something like this happens.  My hope is that my kids look back on this time and remember these moments.  It makes me so proud of them.  They did not need to spend their money on toys like these but did to show me support.  I love these three kiddos so much!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/23/18

I got a few pictures at championships I wanted to share.  Last year I had pictures galore to share on facebook and instagram of the kids swimming adventures.  This year I have been quiet on the swimming front because my focus has been more on my health.  I won't lie, it felt so good to be back at the pool watching all the Sea Lions race.

This is Reyna and Emmy with their gal pal crew, Jaya and Hollis.  They were sitting there waiting for awards to start at the end of the meet.  Without being asked they jumped up to help get all the awards out.

Even though Emery wasn't that excited about her overall performance this year (her words not mine) she did get high point for her age group.  She told me after that she wanted to give her trophy to Reyna because her sister didn't get a trophy this year.  Her little heart is gold.  She also asked if she could give it to another team mate that didn't receive a trophy that year too.   After a few minutes of thinking she decided to give me her trophy because she said, "she won it for me."  It is now sitting on my dresser.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/23/18

Cancer is like water, it continues to flow filling every nook and cranny that it can find until it has reached level ground.  I don't know if we have reached level ground yet.

In complete honesty I thought my family (the small Alicia and Scott family, not my big, crazy, Lowryland family) was going to make it though this battle fairly unaffected by the disease.  I rationalized this because of two things: the kids all finished out the school year with honors and citizenship awards, and, they have acted "normal"  at home.  Looking back I realize that I was/am still very present in these two aspects of their life bringing very little notice change to them.

One area that I have been far removed from since receiving my diagnosis is the pool.  Typically I am at every practice and every meet but treatment does not allow me to do that.  If it isn't the number of people that could unknowingly give me some sort of germ, it is the heat and sun.  I know I have said in other blog posts that this, not being at the pool, was one of the hardest consequences for me to accept.  It seems like it is also the hardest for my kids.

Brody, Reyna, and Emery have had a tough season.  In our family we don't judge performance on where the kids finish in place standings, we judge it based on improved time.  Overall we ended the season with maybe 10 improved times.  It was rough for them because they didn't understand what they were doing wrong.  They go to practice, do what the coaches ask, try their hardest at the meets, but in the end the results were not what they expected.

Yesterday was their last meet of the season, championships.  It was also the first meet I was able to attend from start to finish.  Scott has stepped up big time this summer taking over swim dad duties but there is nothing like having mom there too.  This was made evident because Emery needed to touch me until the moment she dove in the water, Reyna didn't seem to need me at all except to scream "Hi MOM!" every hour, and Brody wanted me with him before and after every race.

Watching their first races of the day I cried while they swam.  My mind kept reminding me that if I hadn't done my own breast exams, or made that doctor appointment, or waited in line to make the appointment for imaging as fast as I had I would not be standing there at that moment able to watch them swim.  I know people were looking at me wondering what was wrong with me, but I didn't care.  My children are miracles no matter how fast they swim and I want to be here to see the next  hundred races they have.

As much as I love getting to see my own kids swim it is just as exciting to watch all my little Sea Lions swim too.  It feels like a year has been wiped from my life by missing all these meets.  Michelle's twins that are 5 made the team and enough meets to go to championships and I only got to see them swim twice!  The entire 9/10 girls age group dominated the last heat of every event and I saw only a few of the swims.  Then the 9/10 boys only had their fellow team mates to push them and every single of one of them got stronger and faster.  Carter is now in 11/12's.  It honestly hurts my hearts.  I know they aren't my kids, but they are.

We have been lucky to have some pretty great families help us out and keep my children's heads up over the summer.  Parents have noticed when one of them seem sad or distance often resulting in me receiving texts saying things like, "hey your daughter didn't seem like herself today, why don't you let us take her for an hour to get her mind off things."  Or, "your kid seemed really unhappy today, thought I would let you know.  Let me know if I can do anything!"  To say I appreciate those texts is an understatement. 

Unfortunately the flip side to those amazing families that have helped us is that there are those that have felt it was better to look at my children and my family and find fault in the way we are dealing with me having cancer.  This is not a platform for me to pass judgment but it is a place for me to be honest about what I am going through.  The reality is that some parents think their children are perfect and can do no wrong.  They feel better when they go out of their way to find fault in other people's children,  I am not one of those parents.  My children, my husband, and myself are not perfect, far from it.  All five of us work everyday to be a little bit better than we were the day before.  We make mistakes and that is how God made us.  He wants us to learn and grow, to have choice and accountability.  He didn't send us here as the only perfect beings to watch others and then judge them as inferior.

Unless you have cancer, are married to someone with cancer, or are a young child whose parent has cancer you do not know what we are going through.  You don't have to like me, my husband, or any of my kids to understand any aspect of that.  But, you can be empathetic and compassionate.  You can realize that my family is dealing with something that no one ever wants to deal with.  Our struggle is real, it is hard, it is ugly, and it is something that is ongoing.  Love one another, right?

The Biedermann Crew will just keep swimming.  We will continue to try to be a little bit better than we were yesterday.  We will continue to strive to be kind.  Scott and I will continue to hold our kids accountable when they make a bad choice, and we will all learn from it.  We aren't perfect, but we are doing our best.  And without a doubt, we will continue to be grateful for the family and friends that have been supporting us through good and bad times.  You help us more than words can say!

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/14/18

What I am finding out is that each round of chemo has different side effects, or a compilation of a different set of them.  I'm one week our round three.  This is also a significant milestone because it marks the halfway point of the most toxic chemo meds I need to take.  I can say, with complete honesty, that after round one I did not think I was going to be able to make it this far if the rash came each time.  But, here I am, and I AM grateful to be HERE.

Thought you might enjoy seeing a line up of some of the medicines that were getting pumped into me...and notice how little hair I have left on my head.  Each morning I wake up with a little more on my pillow and a new bald spot on my head!

I think the hardest side effect to deal with and that has been consistent from last time with this round is the excruciating stomach pains.  During the second round I thought this was from the pretty miserable constipation.  Unfortunately this time I have had a combination of not being able "to go" and "going" to much, yet the pain remains day and night. 

Another duplicate side effect is my taste buds refusing to work.  From most of my research people complain about food tasting metallic during treatment.  Truly that would be welcomed at this point.  Food just tastes the way dog crap smells.  It is disgusting.  The sick and cruel joke is that EVERYTHING smells WONDERFUL!  That in and of itself makes me want to eat it.  Then once the food is in my mouth I have to force it down because it is utterly revolting.  It is also not limited to food but all liquids.  Typically I only drink a cup of coffee in the morning and water the remainder of the day.  Those both taste like they are rotten.  All other liquids typically are sweet, and some how (no idea why), the sweetness is magnified to the point of me wanting to spit it out.  There is a constant struggle to drink enough not to be dehydrated and eat enough to maintain my weight.  Oh and can I just tell you that all research shows if you continue to workout while going through treatment you have less chance of cancer recurrence...so I am TRYING to workout daily too.  It feels like each day is a mental battle to do those three things.

During my first round I think I did post that I got bloody noses.  Second round if I had them there were not as frequent.  This time around it seems like they are daily.  What seemed to work the last time was plastering my nostrils with butt paste.  That stuff is miracle cream!  I ear swab that lube three times a day around my nostrils and it feels like heaven.  Chemosabe has taken all my nose hairs so even if my nose isn't bleeding it is constantly dripping.  Is it nasty?  Yes.  Do I feel like an old man that needs a hankie?  Yes.  Did I know how much we needed nose hairs before this? NO.  Would I have believed someone that told me I would need an extra box of tampons for my nose during chemo? No....but I do...obviously I do not leave the house much these days...

The newest addition to my ailments is inside my body, or my blood really.  I have become anemic.  It is very common during chemo because of the way the medicines attack your body, cells, blood, etc.  The reason it sucks during chemo is that your body doesn't absorb the iron from pill form as effectively.  Most of the time patients need blood transfusions to help them correct this and continue treatment on schedule.  Thankfully we are not at this point yet (and hopefully never will be).  My doc and I are going to try to correct with food.  Remember the paragraph above about eating ↑↑↑ ?  Yeah it is a struggle to attempt this but something I need to make happen.  If my blood work gets worse we will have to postpone treatment.  That is something I am adamantly against so I am making every effort to overcome this battle. 

Since I have not been leaving the house, manly because I do not want to get sick and end up on medicine or in the hospital, I haven't really socialized with anyone.  I am not complaining!  For reals all I do is TRY to eat and sleep.  One day I slept 14 hours!  But a few days ago two of my life long family friends, the Hill girls Tabitha and Vicky, came down for a visit.  To ensure I didn't get sick they went to my sister's house because they have lots of little ones.  My mom really wanted me to see them so she came and got me so I could spend an hour or so seeing them since they had traveled all the way from Florida.  

I had to keep my mask on when we were in the house which had their kids looking at me funny (I took it off for the picture and Deni made me take one with my hat off but I'm almost bald now and didn't want to post it when that one is so much cuter!).  It was fun to see them and their babies.  They were so sweet and brought a chocolate cake for me which all the kids chowed down on.

 I can't wait for the day I have energy to do more than sit!  Or for a time I can spend the day being able to be in the company of people and not worry about contacting a cold bug.  I feel like a worry wart, a hypochondriac, hell, lets be real, a crazy person. I just do not want to end up in the hospital unless it is to get my expanders switched out for the FOOBS.  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/06/18

This might be a little different than my previous posts and that is because in all honesty, it has been a mentally tiring week for me.  My friend Lewis's wife. Kerri passed away from stage 4 lung cancer a few weeks ago.  The cancer had spread about two years ago and Kerri fought so hard for so lung.  She is amazing, not was, because I still feel like she is here is when I see her sweet kids faces at the pool.

Her and I didn't know each other well but Lewis and I had swam together off and on for years.  By the time I moved back home and we reconnected at the pool she was recently diagnosed and then busy with treatments.  It wasn't until my kids started swimming that we really got closer to the their family.  Even then I didn't get enough time to know her.  It is a regret I will always have because the more I learn about her the more I know we would have been such close friends, so much more than mom's saying hi and having a brief conversation about our babies swimming.

Saturday was her funeral.  I refused to miss it even though I felt like and would need to wear a mask.  Who wants to be the bald woman wearing a mask at a funeral for someone that died of cancer?  I felt like I was a walking billboard for what took her life.  My family sat upstairs so I could hide and not standout.  There is no way to blend in with the way I look these days...and  I didn't want someone to see me and be a cruel reminder of the disease.This shouldn't be about me, but the entire funeral I thought about me.  She was 38, has 4 babies, a young husband, a great support family, a community that stood behind her for years and will continue to lift up her family for years and decades to come.  Why on earth did the Lord not spare her?  She is a much better Christian than I and has the purest heart of any woman I have ever met.  Why was it her turn to go?  I am frustrated that some types of cancer are so sneaky and unable to be found until they are at a stage that offers little hope.  Where you are praying, begging, and longing for one more year, one more month, one more day.  Why does this disease have to exist?z

Sitting there I listened to the letter Lewis wrote and had the pastor read with tears pouring down my face.  I listened to Kerri's brother, Justin tell stories of her childhood, falling in love with Lewis, her devotion to the Lord, and her undeniable love of being a mom and I just sobbed.  It is too close to home for me.

 It took everything in me not get up and walk out.  Find a corner where I could fall apart for a few minutes.  But it isn't about me, and being scared that this same disease could one day do the same thing to me that it did to Kerri wasn't why I was there.  So I sat, silently crying, asking the Lord to hug Kerri so tight for me.  I have had a very small glimpse into what her and her family went through and it is terrifying.  The pain is so much harder for the family.  As the patient you accept it and deal with it. Then you have to sit back and watch it affect those around you that love you.  The complete uncontrollable nature of cancer coupled with human nature that wants to erase anything causing a loved one pain is excruciating to watch. 

As I looked down the bench at my family; Reyna, Emery, Brody and then Scott I prayed to Heavenly Father to make sure that Chemosabe is killing the crap out of every cancer cell in my body.  Then I turned back to the front and Kerri's brother talking about Ecclesiastes 6:10.  He was talking about a conversation he had with his sister where he had told her he wanted her to know that he prays everyday, some times more than twice a day, that she will get better, that she would beat cancer.  Her response was this scripture.  It says, "That which hath been is named already, and it is known that it is man: neither may he contend with him that is mightier than he."   She went on to explain to him that it means that everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny and her destiny could be to not overcome cancer.  

She is right, the Lord does know what is going to happen and it has already been decided.  We can pray till we lose our voice but somethings will never be changed.  Kerri made me realize that I am probably praying for the wrong things.  So I changed my prayer instead for strength. That I might be able to have strength to handle whatever life presents as a challenge to me. 

If there is one thing I have learned from Kerri and Lewis it is that you can make a choice on how you handle the twist and turns that life throws your way. How you deal with it matters. Do you smile or throw in the towel? They lived every day filled with love of each other and love of the Savior. That example is inspiring.  Scott and I have a saying when I get a little sad over the whole cancer thing, it is "Be more like Ester, a friend battling stage 4 cancer. But we have decided to have a "Be more like Kerri" reminder for when I am just mad about my diagnosis, the kids fighting and wearing me down, and be frustrating that I get no time with Scott alone anymore.  

I am honored to know so many courageous women that have paved the path before me on the road called cancer.  Those that are still with me, those that have beat it, those that are in heaven and free from pain and sorrow, and still those that are standing at the starting line. It is a group that no one ever wants to find themselves, but once here, are amazed at the strength these women have.  One day, I hope a day very far in the future, I will get to walk up to Kerri and tell her I love her, how much her testimony of the Lord warmed my heart, and that her quiet battle gave me strength to fight my own.  God be with you till we meet again sister.