Ecclesiastes 6:10
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/06/18
This might be a little different than my previous posts and that is because in all honesty, it has been a mentally tiring week for me. My friend Lewis's wife. Kerri passed away from stage 4 lung cancer a few weeks ago. The cancer had spread about two years ago and Kerri fought so hard for so lung. She is amazing, not was, because I still feel like she is here is when I see her sweet kids faces at the pool.
Her and I didn't know each other well but Lewis and I had swam together off and on for years. By the time I moved back home and we reconnected at the pool she was recently diagnosed and then busy with treatments. It wasn't until my kids started swimming that we really got closer to the their family. Even then I didn't get enough time to know her. It is a regret I will always have because the more I learn about her the more I know we would have been such close friends, so much more than mom's saying hi and having a brief conversation about our babies swimming.
Saturday was her funeral. I refused to miss it even though I felt like and would need to wear a mask. Who wants to be the bald woman wearing a mask at a funeral for someone that died of cancer? I felt like I was a walking billboard for what took her life. My family sat upstairs so I could hide and not standout. There is no way to blend in with the way I look these days...and I didn't want someone to see me and be a cruel reminder of the disease.This shouldn't be about me, but the entire funeral I thought about me. She was 38, has 4 babies, a young husband, a great support family, a community that stood behind her for years and will continue to lift up her family for years and decades to come. Why on earth did the Lord not spare her? She is a much better Christian than I and has the purest heart of any woman I have ever met. Why was it her turn to go? I am frustrated that some types of cancer are so sneaky and unable to be found until they are at a stage that offers little hope. Where you are praying, begging, and longing for one more year, one more month, one more day. Why does this disease have to exist?z
Sitting there I listened to the letter Lewis wrote and had the pastor read with tears pouring down my face. I listened to Kerri's brother, Justin tell stories of her childhood, falling in love with Lewis, her devotion to the Lord, and her undeniable love of being a mom and I just sobbed. It is too close to home for me.
It took everything in me not get up and walk out. Find a corner where I could fall apart for a few minutes. But it isn't about me, and being scared that this same disease could one day do the same thing to me that it did to Kerri wasn't why I was there. So I sat, silently crying, asking the Lord to hug Kerri so tight for me. I have had a very small glimpse into what her and her family went through and it is terrifying. The pain is so much harder for the family. As the patient you accept it and deal with it. Then you have to sit back and watch it affect those around you that love you. The complete uncontrollable nature of cancer coupled with human nature that wants to erase anything causing a loved one pain is excruciating to watch.
As I looked down the bench at my family; Reyna, Emery, Brody and then Scott I prayed to Heavenly Father to make sure that Chemosabe is killing the crap out of every cancer cell in my body. Then I turned back to the front and Kerri's brother talking about Ecclesiastes 6:10. He was talking about a conversation he had with his sister where he had told her he wanted her to know that he prays everyday, some times more than twice a day, that she will get better, that she would beat cancer. Her response was this scripture. It says, "That which hath been is named already, and it is known that it is man: neither may he contend with him that is mightier than he." She went on to explain to him that it means that everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny and her destiny could be to not overcome cancer.
She is right, the Lord does know what is going to happen and it has already been decided. We can pray till we lose our voice but somethings will never be changed. Kerri made me realize that I am probably praying for the wrong things. So I changed my prayer instead for strength. That I might be able to have strength to handle whatever life presents as a challenge to me.
If there is one thing I have learned from Kerri and Lewis it is that you can make a choice on how you handle the twist and turns that life throws your way. How you deal with it matters. Do you smile or throw in the towel? They lived every day filled with love of each other and love of the Savior. That example is inspiring. Scott and I have a saying when I get a little sad over the whole cancer thing, it is "Be more like Ester, a friend battling stage 4 cancer. But we have decided to have a "Be more like Kerri" reminder for when I am just mad about my diagnosis, the kids fighting and wearing me down, and be frustrating that I get no time with Scott alone anymore.
I am honored to know so many courageous women that have paved the path before me on the road called cancer. Those that are still with me, those that have beat it, those that are in heaven and free from pain and sorrow, and still those that are standing at the starting line. It is a group that no one ever wants to find themselves, but once here, are amazed at the strength these women have. One day, I hope a day very far in the future, I will get to walk up to Kerri and tell her I love her, how much her testimony of the Lord warmed my heart, and that her quiet battle gave me strength to fight my own. God be with you till we meet again sister.