No Bucket List Needed
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 09/24/18
Today is one of those days were I just feel like blah. If I am going to be truthful I would say I'm going on day four of blah. It is hard to put my finger on what is making me feel this way and that in and of itself is beyond frustrating. Although I am not in the "deep dark place" that Scott always refers to, I just feel sad, and for me that is abnormal.
If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram then you know we took off Saturday and went to the beach. Scott had a work event up there and I needed a break. The kids got to get crazy in the hotel pool and spa while I sat outside and watched them. It wasn't a busy hotel so for the most part we got the pool to ourselves. However one couple sat down and chatted with me for a good amount of time. I look like I have cancer with my bald head, spotty eyelashes and eyebrows, and after this last round some random burning on my face so the wife asked me a lot about my "condition". One of the questions she asked me was if I started a bucket list of things to do and see as soon as I heard the word cancer. Over the last two weeks this is the third time someone has asked me that. I think it is part of the reason that I am in this funk.
Hearing the word cancer stops your heart and when it starts back up again it feels like your running a marathon. There were dozens of images flashing through my mind after hearing those words but the only thing that ever mattered was my family. There was never a thought to creating a bucket list of places to go and see because all I could think about was the moments I would miss out on during Scott and our children's lives if the diagnosis was terminal.
There was a time in my life where my dreams were bigger than the sky but things change as you get older, get married and have children. Cancer is a mutation of your genes and I think that this is what happened to my dreams too. They became less grandiose, dare I even say simpler. I long to see my children grow up. Each milestone I want to be at: 8th grade graduation, high school graduation, college graduation, weddings, births. But so much more than just those. I want to hear about finding a cool rock on the playground, having a loose tooth, and how someone spilled a drink during lunch. I want to be there for it all. Plus I want to be next to Scott at our 13th anniversary (next year) and our 25th. That is my bucket list.
This past week my kids, Scotty and I have been at each others throats. No one has been happy and the smallest little thing has set off the kids. There was way too much unhappiness, yelling, and name calling (between the kids). As much as I hate that, and I do, it makes me so glad that I am here to be in the middle of it. Life is not all sunshine and roses, it is messy. There are so many moments that hurt your heart but there are so many more occasions that make your heart burst with happiness. Those moments, good and bad, are what I live for.
Our little one day trip to the coast was a much needed reset for my family. As I sat on the deck of the pool watching my kids play I felt so content as their laughter rolled over me. It is the simplest thing that sometimes have the biggest impact, like asking someone with cancer about a bucket list. I am limited in what I can do and because of that I am spending an obscene amount of time on the sidelines of life but it will be worth it when I am better.
The kids wanted Chinese food so we got an Uber to get take out...first time doing that without Scott. The kids were certain we were going to get killed because they saw on the news that an Uber driver killed someone...omg it was an adventure.
Me trying hard to hide my appreciation of Brody's manners while he enjoyed the free smores bar the hotel had by the pool.
Snuggled up and watched The Blind Side before bedtime. Before we headed home we stopped at the Aquarium. There were to many people there so I spent most of the time sitting outside of the exhibits on benches or even outside looking at the ocean but the kids loved it.
Every time I asked them to take a picture they would hug each other. I think the mini vacation was worth it!