Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/05/18

My brother John and his family came down last week and it was so fun I never got onto the computer to blog anything, for that I apologize.  However, I am really not that sad because it meant I got to spend more time with them.  It wasn't an adventure filled visit since I had just had chemo a few days before and wasn't back to full speed yet but for me, getting to just sit with them was awesome.

I was trying really hard to wait to cut my hair until my brother and his family could be here.  But that date seemed further and further away as my hair fell out in bigger, and bigger clumps.  There was no need for them to be there but for some reason it just mentally seemed easier if I had my entire family with me.  (There is a very weird psychological component to cancer that I am still trying to get a grasp on.) So imagine my surprise when Jo and Brin walked in with a strip of pink of hair for me!  It was so unexpected and out of character for them (totally natural beauties that don't even hardly highlight or dye their hair!) . Of course Reyna is desperate to do this to her hair too now.  

Then John and Ty came in and they had both shaved their heads for me too!  Everyone in the family thought I looked like John once my head was shaved. If you check out the face swap we did with Snapchat you can have a good laugh and see that we actually look more different.  I have a huge nose and he has a cute little.  Maybe I am the milkman's baby, my geneticists always wants to confirm that my dad is really my dad after all!

The best part about having John and Jo there is that my kids get to see their kids.  Brody LOVES Tyler to infinity and beyond.  He counted the days until they got here.  Then while they were here he was glued to his side.  Brody convinced Ty to sleep in his room on a mat the entire time.  They stayed up all night long playing Fort Night, discussing Legos and Star Wars, and watching band performances on Tyler's phone.  To Brody it was like he won the lottery.  After 5 days of Tyler-immersion he had a rough time acclimating to life without him.   Thankfully we have FaceTime.  Plus I told the kids once I am well enough we are going to visit them in Texas!  

The boys also went to a Modesto Nuts with Grandpa...

I realized as I was looking for pictures to add to this post that we really didn't take very many.  Unfortunately the way chemo and cancer work is to knock you on your butt.  For me it is weeks at a time.  I'm not much fun, meaning I do an immense amount of sitting followed by an even larger amount of sleeping.  The awake moments are spent staying near a bathroom and a kitchen.  In the past three months I have left the house a total of 9 times that wasn't for the doctor.  So when I say that it was so special to have my brother and his family here, I mean it was extraordinarily sweet.  I know that they wouldn't have chose to spend their family vacation sitting inside at the table with me.  I'm boring.  That is just how it is these days.  But man, oh man, I cherished those moments.  I loved hearing my kids bug theirs.  I adored watching them all stare at some super weird sci-fi-ish show that John got them all absorbed in.

The moments I sit and watch my family I wish I could freeze in time.  There is nothing, I mean nothing, that I would not do to have more of these moments that took place over the past week.  In my heart I know I felt this way before the diagnosis.  But now my understanding is so much greater.  I want every second to slow down.  I want all of my family with me all of the time.  I want a lot of things.  For today I am going to be happy that I got these moments, grateful that John and Jo spent their vacation with me, and thankful for every single second of each day. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/27/18

Last week my dear friends Bevie and Janet came to visit me.  These two  split their time between California and Massachusetts and left for the east coast prior to my diagnosis.  Lucky for me they had a family vacation planned in Aptos that brought them back to California.  That meant a stop to see me!

We have way too much fun together.  Our relationship started out as a working one through Scott a few years ago but as soon as we met we became friends, if not family.  I adore them and their family so much.  The visit consisted of Janet going full medical mode (she is a nurse) on my foobies and checking out the sweet scars, getting up close and personal with the new bra to hold my rock hard foobs, and a whole bunch of laughter.  I just wish the visit could have lasted longer.  Hopefully we are able to get together before they head back to the opposite coast.

Janet and Bevie are always bringing the kids treats from a yummy bakery near their house in California.  This time they had a beautiful cake made in support of breast cancer.  Not only was it the coolest looking cake, it was delicious....my family devoured it in two days...

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/24/18

When you are a woman under 40 that gets cancer a question that is frequently asked during the early stages of diagnosis is, "are you done having children?".  Scotty and I were lucky enough that all our children decided birth control was a speed bump, not a stop sign.  Meaning they came fast and furious, three in kids in just over three years.  We were done relatively quickly in the baby making department and today I thank the Lord for that because there would probably be very little chance of me being able to have anymore kids from here on out.  

One of the potential side effects of the chemo regimen that I am on is to go into early menopause.  Doctors know this and if you are planning to have more children they want to discuss options with you to ensure that more babies can happen after treatment is over.  We are lucky enough to have numerous medical solutions available to help make this happen, think freezing eggs and so forth.  Since we are done having babies I was informed that there was a possibility that chemo could send me into menopause during treatment and it may or may not go away.

Well, I have now entered menopause, which from this point forward will be referred to as CHEMOPAUSE.  In my head if I don't call it menopause it won't actually be menopause, right?!  Since this happened at the start of this second round I have been researching and reaching out to my group of breast cancer women warriors, and what I have found is about 80% of those that get this do eventually return to "normal" (at this point I have no idea what normal is) and the remaining 20% stay in early menopause for the remainder of their life.  Good odds I guess that "it" will all come back some day in the future.  

One idle thought with cancer, especially breast, is if there is a need to remove the remaining girl parts.  Most BRCA cancer girls do need to have these removed which means no chemopause just straight to menopause.  Please know that I am not complaining about the onslaught of side effects that come along with chemopause because for me there is the chance that this is just something to deal with for a few months, not years premature.  Cancer has taught me to find the glass half full in every situation.  Right now, this is it.  So many other young women with breast cancer don't get the chance to sit and wait and see if "it" returns.  Guess I am one of the lucky ones.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/21/18

It would have been amazing if each time Chemosabe came to visit the side effects were the same. Well, except for the acne rash, that can stay away and never visit again...ever.  The knowing WHAT is going to happen is comforting to me so off I went last Friday armed with the knowledge of what was yet to come and feeling pretty darn ready for "it"...that was a mistake.  Chemosabe does not want me to become complacent, at least that is what I have been telling myself.  I hope that this is because the more diligent I am in taking care of my body the less chance there is that more cancer will grow or spread.  So, me being prepared for the impending diarrhea to hit and flaming rash on my face was almost laughable as the days progressed after chemo and neither came to visit. 

There was one thing that stayed pretty consistent through both rounds and that is the unbelievable lack of energy.  I fall asleep as soon as my butt hits a chair these days.  Mind you, this isn't a slow falling into sleep, it is an immediate folded over, snoring loud, with drool escaping my lips kind of deep sleep.  Without fail I will be like this for a minimum of two hours at a time.  When I finally do wake up  I am unsure how I ended up falling asleep where I was because I don't remember sitting down there in the first place.  It's weird.  The only other time I can recall being this tired was during pregnancy, but even that level of tiredness was not this intense. 

An unfortunate new side effect that has decided to hang around for the long haul is constipation.  Here I was armed with medicine to prevent the doomsday diarrhea only to have it pull a disappearing act.  Now I am taking medicine to "get things moving" and so far my body has decided to be a stubborn brat.  This has brought on, shall we say, unpleasant cramps.  I would compare them to back labor.  Oh and they never stop.  Also exciting with this side effect is the super full bloated lower stomach.  Again, best comparison would be what I looked like during my first trimester of pregnancy.  Notice a theme here?  This round is like being pregnant and going into labor but so far no freaking baby.  FYI in this analogy that would be finally being able to go poop...

The second new side effect has been the odd effect Chemosabe has on my taste buds.  Most people have heard about the metal taste that comes during the infusion, in typical Alicia fashion I didn't have that.  Instead my sweet complicated little body decided it would be more fun to make everything I attempted to eat after this round taste like cardboard...or rotten.  I will look at whatever it is I am trying to eat; strawberries, salad, scrambled eggs, even a cheese sandwich, and say over and over in my head what it is and that it will taste good only to take a bite and almost immediately vomit from the flavor.  It has been drilled into me that I need to keep my weight during these treatments (my mom and Scott would force feed me if I allowed it) so this side effect has been the hardest one during this go round. I am forcing myself to my eat and that has never, ever been something I thought I would need to do.  Just in case you are wondering I have only lost one pound this round so I am conquering this thing in beast mode...but I really, really do not want to eat. 

The last unusual side effect has been odd muscle, joint, and bone pain.  What makes it odd is that it isn't consistent or in the same location more than once.  I am sure if people watched me stand up from a sitting position they would think I was an old man with my creaking joints, bald head, and stretching once finally upright.  There is a new level of respect I have gained for those that have health complications with arthritis, gout, diabetes, and more that deal with stuff like this on a daily basis.  I know I have said this before in posts but I have been a healthy active woman almost all my life, it is so difficult to absorb the continuous changes that my body is going through.  In my mind I realize that this is one moment in time and (hopefully) once finished with Chemo the side effects will go away for good but between now and then, I won't lie, it is a daunting road.

At this point all I can think is what new exciting side effect round 3 will bring me....

Originally posted at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/16/18

From the moment I told my family about my diagnosis my sister Deni has been ready to throw me a shaving party.  With my kids concerned about me losing my hair I wanted to hold off as long as I could, hence the multiple hair cuts to gradually shorten my hair.  But this past week has made it obvious that the time had come to get rid of it.  With Chemosabe set for Friday we decided to do it the Thursday before.

Deni hadn't told me much about what she had planned except that one of our friends that is a stylist was going to come to do all the shaving.  In my mind it was just going to be a hang out in the back yard, food, drinks, and shaving heads.  I was wrong.  She went all out and had decorated the entire yard.

My nephew, Owen who is 6, decorated this chalkboard for me.  Then my sister did this chalkboard in their back house.

As we waited for everyone to show up after work Deni had a mini pool, water slide, and water balloons with a launcher for the kids to all play in.  They had so much fun!

Deni and I had to do a test run on her backdrop so we selfied it to check it was okay.

James and Lu's family was decked out in the cutest breast cancer shirts for me!  As soon as they walked in I told them I had to get a picture of the boys.

Once everyone showed up and had eaten dinner we headed into the back house to get started on hair cuts.  To make it easier we went youngest to oldest for cuts so Grayson got us started.

Then Owen. He had just got a hair cut on Monday but didn't want to miss out on all the fun so he got a touch up.

Zander didn't go bald but to support me he got his very first hair cut.  Lu even held it together and didn't cry!

Brody couldn't decide if he wanted to cut his hair.  He has a mad love for his chlorine infused, swimmer, water polo player hair.  At first he said he would only cut it if he could sit where no one was able to watch him.

He was pretty upset after he did it because it was so short and felt weird.  I hugged him so tight after as I cried and thanked him for being so brave and doing it for me.  As the night progressed, and into the next day, he has started to embrace it.  The realization set in that he no longer needs to wear a cap during practice!

In typical James fashion he went to the extreme and not only buzzed his head, he took a razor to it!  We were all a little concerned with the amount of enjoyment Anthony was getting rubbing shaving cream on his head…

Ryan was not going to cut his hair so when he got up to do it I was so happy.  In fact I think the highlight of the night was having Brody, Ryan, Scott and my dad cut their hair because all of them did not really want to do it.  For the most part they wanted to eliminate the questions they would get at work.  It is nice to have a cancer free zone in one area of your life.  But in the end they all did it and it meant so much to me.

Scotty has a work trip Monday so he went shorter but kept his little front flip.

After Scott was Tony and he cut his to match his son, Grayson.

Last but not least was my dad.  He didn't want to buzz it because he was afraid he would look like his dad.  I had the same fear about cutting my own hair, so I get it!  But he looked fine and nothing like his dad.

My brother Dave had to go out of town so he came over before he left and had my kids all shave his head.  The kids had so much fun doing it!  I had to get some during shots of his hair cut...

Up next was me.  I was ready but I still cried a little bit.  It is hard accepting all the changes in my life.  To top it off my head hurts from the medicine.  In another post I explained it as pins and needles.  That sensation has gone away and been replaced with a constant bruised feeling on top of my head.  It is okay for the majority of the day but boy, oh boy, when you lay down or touch my scalp it just aches.  Clippers pushing against my scalp was not the most comfortable experience, however, once the hair was all cut off the pain started to subside.  I think removing all the dead hair that was tugging on my hair follicles causing pressure on my scalp relieved the pain.

You can see in the last picture where my hair is already gone in the front.  Since I got another infusion yesterday I am sure the little bit left on top of my head won't be sticking along for that much longer.  Thankfully the shape of my scalp isn't all misshapen that would've been weird.

Lynelle was fantastic.  She is over 6 months pregnant and stood there cutting hair for close to 3 hours with no break.  I'm was over emotional and trying hard not to start sobbing, so ignore my double chin in that picture!

Miranda and I have been friends since 6th grade and even though it took her almost 3 hours to get to Deni's she has been at my side every step of the way.  I am so grateful for her friendship and that we have never let distance or life ruin it.  Misty and I haven't been friends as long as Miranda and I but our friendship is just as strong.  I am blessed to have these two ladies in my life and was so honored that they were with me that night.

Misty's family was all able to come and I love them so much.  Her girls all went and go their hair cut for me today because we ran out of time at the party to get to everyone else that wanted to cut their hair.  

Dave and Margaret have been close family friends and business partners for years with my family.  But this was the first time that we got them to come to one of the Lowry Family Events.  I am hopeful that they will attend more because they we have so much fun with them!  Margaret and I had matching cuts before I shaved it and Dave had his buzzed at his last hair cut so we could be twins.

I can't imagine having to do go through this with one of my children and if I did I am positive I would never be as strong as my parents have been.  There was never a doubt that I have phenomenal parents but I think I love them even more than I thought imaginable.

James and Lu are just crazy!  They always bring a smile to my face because their boys are always smiling, always eating, and always naked!

Ryan had to leave for work before I got a picture with him but I plan to rectify that when I see him next.   Lex has been so great taking the kids for me so that they can go play and have fun.  My kids love getting to go play with her new puppy and drink her mocktail creations each week.

**UPDATE! I got a picture of Ry and I with our sweet haircuts!**

This was my crew that cut their hair, minus Ryan.  I think we all look pretty darn good!

My guys always have my back, even when it takes them out of their comfort zone. 

It is pretty heartwarming to see all my nieces and nephews get into the spirit of things.  Grayson is always asking me if I am okay because I am sick.  It makes me heart hurt to know that they understand something is going on, but then days like this happen, where it is full of fun.  I love these pictures.  The kids all grabbing props and laughing.  One of my most vivid memories.

Of course my sisters and I had to join the fun too!  

I saved these pictures for last.  Deni and Tone have been unbelievable though this entire thing.  If anyone is on a mission to to make having cancer fun it is them.  Deni goes out of her way to keep things light for my kids, as well as the rest of my siblings, and parents.  I know that cancer is harder on the people supporting the person that has cancer than it actually is on the person with it.  Deni is the person that tries to make things easier and I know it is at great emotional cost to do it.

I love my family so much.  How on earth I could make it though this without them is something I will forever be happy to never experience.  Each of my siblings has such unique qualities that make this easier for me.  Alexa with her silly nature and fun creative drinks, songs, and dances that make my kids laugh.  James with his out of control family, loud stories, obsession with video games, singing, and both Lu and him with nerf wars.  John and his family with the long facetime calls that discuss all things BTS and StarWars.  Dave teasing and teaching my kids about dinosaurs.  My parents for having a home that is like Dinseyland to my kids.  And Scott for being everything I need before I even know I need it.

Thank you for the party, all the people that cut their hair with me and the continued support of my family as I continue to battle my way back to healthy.

***UPDATE***

As I got ready to post this I got a bunch of texts from people that had kids that wanted to support my kids and me as well.  Misty and Steven's girls all CHOPPED the heck out of their hair.  I think Kitty and Boo took off close to 6-12 inches.  Then Illy went big and did an A-line cut which was for sure more than 12 inches.

Brody's bud, Nate, came straight home from the swim meet today after making a deal with his parents if he got first he could cut his hair.  Well that was all the motivation this kid needed because he is a racer!  

There are numerous others that have cut hair, dyed hair, and donated hair for me.  I appreciate everyone that has done this.  My heart is so full and I humbled by the amount of love I receive each day from so many people.  

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/16/18

Every day since my last post my head has lost more and more hair.  I don't know how else to describe having my hair fall out except pretty darn amazing.  There is nothing to compare it to.  It is unbelievable how quickly Chemosabe infiltrates your entire body and manifests itself.  Within hours of the hair starting to shed the health and vitality of my hair disintegrated.  Right before my eyes my hair went from volume infused fluffy hair to a pile of flat, limp, lifeless hair.  If Chemosabe can kill can cells as fast it kills the hair on my body then bring it on.

First up was wig shopping.  I am still uncertain that I will wear a wig but everyone thought I should get one just in case I did decide that I wanted to wear it.  So on Wednesday my sister Alexa, my mom, and I went to a store in Modesto that Alexa's hair dresser, and also one of our employees fiance recommended.  Honestly it was a lot of fun and I was not expecting that.  We all tried on a bunch of styles and in different colors.  I found out that I look so much better with brown hair than any other color.  Also, we learned that Alexa is way closer to Deni's coloring and looked great blonde.  My mom can not gray yet because she doesn't look like herself at all but she can pull of blonde as well as my sisters!  In the end I bought one wig and my mom bought two!  Alexa almost got one but with the new addition of her puppy Ryan put the cabash on that.  

My biggest concern about a wig is that people will look at me and know it is a wig.  I just feel more comfortable embracing the changes taking place with my body and not trying to hide behind anything.  So I have cancer and no hair, who cares?! I'm getting the treatment I need to live if someone wants to stare at my bald head, my even changing breasts or any other things going on, let them.  I decided with the help from Lex and my mom that this wig was the most natural looking.  The ones that were closer to my original length just looked to fake to me.  In the end I am pretty happy with it.  Scott took me out dinner that night and I got all dressed up; wig on, full makeup, dress, jewelry.  It was worth the smile on his face to see me. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/12/18

Everyone told me that I was going to lose my hair; my surgeon, my advice nurse, my oncologist, every woman I met through the Young Survivor Coalition, plus all the blogs and research studies I read.  It was a known side effect that I have prepared for, hence the numerous hair cuts to help both my kids, and let us be honest, me.  Though even with all the knowledge of what was to come, all the preparation I have done, nothing can really prepare you for your hair falling out the way it does from chemo.

On average most women on the regimen I am on start losing their hair 12 to 13 days after their first infusion.  For me that was June 6th.  Well June 6th came and went with little fanfare from my hair.  I might have internally high-fived myself and thought I was going to be one of the women that miraculously holds on to her hair longer than others.  Then June 10 arrived.

When I woke up Sunday morning my head felt weird.  The top of my head was hurting, like after you have had a super tight pony in for too long and you take it out.  Obviously I did not have a pony tail in.  There were pins and needles dancing all over my head all day long.  I noticed that my hair was sticking straight up in the back so I reached back to pat it down and a pile of hair was left in my hand...

That isn't normal.  I freaked out a little and decided I would just rock the Alfalfa look from Little Rascals and go about my day.  My scalp hurt all day but I never touched my hair again.  It could be a fluke right?!

Monday morning I awoke to hair all over my pillow.  I didn't get a picture because at first I thought there was a spider in my bed and started trying to kill it before realizing it was massive amounts of hair, oops!  All day yesterday I kept feeling hair tickle my neck, my arm, and my back it was so annoying because most times those short little hairs were right where I couldn't reach. 

Then something really fun happened.  I had to go the bathroom.  No pictures here because that would be NASTY but let's just say I am losing hair EVERYWHERE, and some places, much faster than the top of my head. 

Today while I was working I made a pile of the hair that was stuck to my shirt.  The image below is the shedding I collected.

Pretty sure this means my last hair cut is happening real soon folks.  The next big question is will I lose my eyebrows, eyelashes, and that one stubborn chin hair... 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/12/18

The past few days I have felt pretty amazing.  To start, I don't feel sick!  I am hungry (as in ravenous), I spend way less time in the bathroom (hallelujah), and I am gaining a little bit more mobility in my arms.  All in all a great week for me.  But even with all of that the best part is that the rash/acne has receded which made the unbearable burning and itching disappear (prayers answered).  That has been the greatest highlight this week.

You can still see the rash if you zoom in but nothing like what it was five days ago.  That is little Miss Emmy and I.  She is pretty happy when she gets to have a little alone time with me, especially since it hasn't happened much in the past two months.  Best part for her is my incisions are healing enough for her to hug me.  I can't feel it on my chest area still, perhaps I never will, but her little arms around me is all I need! 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/07/18

Yesterday I saw my oncologist.  She wanted to meet to go over how I handled the first round of chemo.  I wanted to meet to rant and rave about the stupid rash that is refusing to go away.  Scotty and I headed off hoping for an easy answer and remedy...

Here is what we found out:  She has never seen a rash like mine before especially with the specific cocktail I am on...lovely.  She is also not certain it is even a rash....awesome.   BUT she has seen a few times, only in her breast cancer patients under 40, for the drugs to cause an acne reaction to occur...fabulous.  Just for those wondering there is a chemo regimen that you do get acne with, just not mine. 

So one of two things could be happening.  First, I am just a really odd chick whose body freaked out and decided the best way to handle all the toxic chemo is to try exuding it through the pores of my upper body and face in the form of fire burning acne.  Second, I am allergic to the chemicals in one of the chemo drugs.  If it is the second then we will have to remove that drug and try a different drug but she doesn't want to do that because the specific drug I am on is what helps to make my combination of drugs more successful with HER2+ breast cancer.  There is also a possibility that the new drug we could try, because similar to the old drug, would have the same allergy and we would have to remove that from my regiment, which no one wants to do.   Moving forward we are going to treat the rash as acne with an oral and topical antibiotic.  Never ever thought I would say this but I am hoping it is acne because I want this cancer shit dead and gone. 

Does anyone remember the movie 17 Again starring Zac Efron and Matthew Perry?  This is sorta how I feel my life is at this moment, only I am 37 experiencing the symptoms of puberty all over again.  In all seriousness I was secretly hoping that the upside to this cancer crap was that I was going to get to be reborn, a fresh start, and my hair would come back in thicker.  I still have faith all of that is going to happen however,  I didn't take into account I would have to start at the baby stage and take a detour at puberty before ever getting close to reaching my current age.

What the heck am I talking about right?  Explanation.  Let's start at the beginning shall we. 

First was the mastectomy surgeries.  I was so weak after those that I couldn't do much beyond sitting down and standing up on my own for days.  Every thing else I needed help with and I mean everything...sound like a baby? 

Next I graduated to being able to shower (best day ever still), pull up my own pants, and open the fridge....toddler stage minus emptying out the Tupperware cabinet. 

Then Chemosabe came to visit right around the time I hit my tweens and the crapola hit the fan.  Now my noobs are getting filled up into foobs (fake boobs) so they are for this analogy, growing, and I have raging acne all over my upper body and face...welcome puberty and teenage years. 

The only thing I am waiting for at this point is my hair to fall out...skip the whole middle age thing and go right to the senior years I guess.  Life cycle complete at this point.  Next step starting over healed.  It's going to be a long year. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/06/18

I have tried to write this post since Saturday but each time I sit down to try ugly tears take over, a bloody nose begins, and I am forced to stop to get myself under control.  A bit of history for those that don't know me, I was a swimmer and in my heart I will always be one.  My kids got the bug a few years ago to start swimming, against my own wishes, and now the rest is history.   Our summers are spent on the deck of a pool and I would not have it any other way.

The rash that overtook my upper body sent me into a bit of a funk.  First it was painful, second it burned, and last it looked horrifying.  I was not in a good space mentally either as my mind kept filtering images of my face with different levels of scars covering it.  It was not the best week of my life.  Then Saturday morning I got this text from Scott...

...and was reminded that my focus was way off.  I may never, ever look the same but who we are inside is so much more important.  It took this to slap me silly and remind me that kindness is what makes us beautiful not the image in the mirror.

Two mom's from the team had got together and ordered custom caps for the relays that my kids were on to wear at the meet.  I want to say it was thoughtful but that word is so small for what they actually did.  Like any good team does in times of crisis, they rallied.  They rallied my children, my kid's friends, the families that are helping hold up my husband and kids at meets without me, our team, Scotty, and me.  The cap is such a small gesture but the number of people wearing them was staggering, hence the ugly crying.  I still can't stop crying typing this now and it is almost a week later.

This is the 7/8 girls medley relay, plus Emmy and her BFF Bailey.  They got first!

Above is Reyna and her 9/10 medley relay, who also got first!  Below is Brody and his buds on the 9/10 medley team.  Like the other two relays they got first as well.

If you have been following this blog you know that from my diagnosis things have moved with exceptionally fast speed.  For me it has been fabulous but it means that there was not a lot of time to tell everyone that I probably should have told.  Numerous parents didn't know that I had cancer.  One mom even came up to Scott and said, "It all makes sense now; she isn't the team photographer, her hair was short when I saw her, and you are always around!"

Life is funny.  Before cancer I would have said I am pretty isolated in my life meaning I don't have strong relationships that I can spend lots of time nurturing.  After my cancer diagnosis I would say that a lot of us probably feel this way as life is busy and when we add kids, a spouse, and a job there is little time for more.  Now I know that every conversation is meaningful, every bit of time shared with others, no matter how long or short it is, is worthwhile and that you really have no idea how much you really matter to others.

My love of swimming and the sheer joy I get out of watching not only my kids swim, but every kid on our team, makes not being at the meets a painful pill to swallow.  It is nice to know that there are so many people not only cheering on my kids but me as well.  For those wondering Ripon won the meet!  I am honored, beyond measure, beyond words for the support that I have received from the people on our team.  I pray there is a day that I am strong enough to give it back tenfold.  To Priscilla and Kathleen, thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 06/01/18

I am over all the rashes from different medications!  Before the cancer diagnosis I rarely took medication so allergies to drugs were unknown to me.  Since cancer it seems everything I am prescribed I am allergic to.  Needless to say my level of frustration is at a 12 out of 10.

The rash that started on Monday has gotten worse and is extremely painful.  Like every ear infection your kid gets it starts at night, on a holiday weekend, and  my rash followed this same plan.  I talked to two advice nurses, an emergency room doctor, and an on call oncologist in 48 hours.  Each gave the same advice, take benadryl.  Each time I talked to a different medical person they upped the amount and frequency the benadryl should be taken.  By Wednesday I was taking 50 mg of benadryl every 4 hours.  Easy way to describe where I was at is a catatonic state and in the end no change in the rash.  I was (and still am) miserable, and exhausted, because though benadryl makes you drowsy it doesn't make you fall asleep. 

Yesterday I had scheduled appointments with the plastic surgeon and a chemo orientation class.  I see the irony in a chemo orientation class after I already had chemo, imagine me shrugging my shoulders with my hands raised up.  My mom wanted me to cancel the appointments because I was a complete zombie, but I refused.  There is almost nothing to look forward to in my life these days.  Behind each turn is a door to another doctor, another procedure, another poke, another prod, another chance to be told they found something else.  However, the plastic surgeons office is my fun place.  It is the only thing in my life that is helping me regain a small part of me.  I feel so little like a woman, like the me I used to be, and he is helping me get a small portion of that back.  It is going to take a whole hell of a lot to get me to miss one of those appointments.

The plastic surgeon is awesome and he says my incisions are healing great.  Most likely I will be able to wear a sports bra soon and remove the corset I have been in for five weeks.  Something else to look forward to soon!  I got another fill in my expanders.  For those keeping count that is number 3.  Because of my small frame (something I never thought I had) and my lack of body fat (not something I would have ever claimed) I will probably only get about 6 fills.  Any more than that would most likely be too much for my body in size and stretching.  That means I am half way done with the expanding part.  This is both exciting and scary because it means we are getting closer to planning another surgery even though it will be further down the road due to chemo. 

We had about two hours from that appointment and the chemo class so I decided we were going to try to talk to someone in the infusion center to get SOMETHING to help me.  It was lunchtime but I got a janitor to bust in the doors and bring a nurse out to me.  Thankfully she took one look at me and decided to help.  She called the on call oncologist, who had no openings, but recommended that I see an adult medicine doctor.  There were no openings with adult medicine but the nurse got them to agree to put me on a will call schedule if I was willing to sit in the waiting room and wait.

I am only posting the pictures of my face.  You can all imagine it on my neck, shoulders, chest and back on your own.

It took over three hours but I finally got to see the doctor.  He was brutally honest and explained he didn't know if he would be able to help me, the best doctor for the job was an oncologist but that wasn't an option for me.  After he looked at me he said he was originally going to prescribe me a big shot of steroids in my butt but after seeing my face, neck, shoulders and chest he didn't think it was an allergic reaction, like hives, but an allergic reaction in the form of acne.  If you give steroids to acne it makes it worse.  Also, since he didn't know what it could be he researched all the medicine I was taking and the chemo combo I was given and felt it was most likely from the pre-chemo drugs.  Again, he wasn't sure what to do and didn't want to give me something to make it worse or false hope.  The best option was to take pictures and send it to a buddy of his that was a dermatologist.  I figured I was getting the blow off and wouldn't hear from the guy again but by the time we had walked from his office to the car he called me. His friend said I should start taking an antibiotic twice a day.   It has only been 24 hours and there has been no change.  Not true, it is itching more today than yesterday. 

In all the appointments, research, and information given at chemo it was never mentioned to me that I could end up with raging puberty like acne.  Plus if they had mentioned that I would have loved to have been told that it would introduce itself by intense heat induced pain followed by burning bumps that itch.  I didn't have acne like this growing up, so perhaps I am just naive, but it is not like I remember any acne I had before. 

So what in the world could the silver lining be from this side effect?  Nothing obvious to me so I have been researching for days.  I found a study today that showed that patients that had acne like allergic reactions versus measles like allergic reactions to chemo had higher success rates of killing off cancer cells more efficiently.  I told my friend Miranda that this is what I am holding close to my heart right now because if this is wrong it means I am slowly turning into a teenage boy and I am against that...adamantly against that.  Her analogy was that I am a caterpillar growing into a butterfly.   I desperately hope that is true.  Though truthfully I told her it could mean I end up a moth in the end but like a true friend she decried that with science; apple doesn't have a moth emoji so it is impossible. 

Until the medicine starts to work, or I get to actually speak with or see my oncologist, I will continue to attempt to not scratch my face.  All I need is scars covering every inch this rash is touching when I am finished with these treatments. 

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/30/18

One down, five to go.

Sorry for the language but it's the truth.  Chemosabe is never going to be my BFF, if anything the relationship will be more "frenemy" than friend.  But most relationships, good or bad, have a specific reason for existing.  With Chemosabe and me its a mutual effort to keep me alive for a long, long time.  By keeping that in mind I am pretty much willing to put up with a whole hell of a lot.

As I said in the last post Chemo was scheduled for Friday.  I was a bit nervous and had done lots of research to find out all the things I might need during the infusion.  This resulted in us looking like we were heading to a swim meet instead of an appointment for me to sit on my butt for over 5 hours.  The nurses all got a good laugh out of Scott being my pack mule when they brought us in and they teased us about being obvious first timers.  In my defense when I am unsure I tend to over prepare, it's a solid coping mechanism.  

The actual infusion was pretty painless.  I have my port so that made it easy.  The hardest part was seeing how many patients were there getting treatment.  It was a revolving door of infusions for people with cancer and I was the youngest one in that room.  Facing the drastic age difference at each appointment is really hard for me to get a handle on.  Part of me is grateful I got cancer while I am young because I have youth in my favor, at least that is what the doctors keep telling me.  The other part of me knows that the reality is I could have a shorter life than I have ever imagined possible because Cancer is a sneaky bastard.  

My first treatment I knew was going to be long and during that time I had 4 roommates.  I'm a friendly sort and was a little bummed that none of my roomies were chatty.  But then they were there for an hour or less and I was in for the long haul.   We started off with Herceptin, the medicine I will be getting for a full year.  That had to be administered over almost two hours.  Out of the three medicines in my cocktail H is way less toxic.  It was pretty obvious how much less toxic it was when the nurse went to put my next medicine in the IV and had to be dressed in an additional apron and extra thick gloves before she could even touch the bag that the medicine was stored in.  The additional two medicines, "T" and "C", the nurses had to get all dolled up to administer.  So yeah, that is scary.  They get numerous trappings to protect them and I get it shot straight into my veins.

During the first treatment the biggest concern is allergic reaction so I had to be observed for a little while. I seemed to be okay so we got booted out after almost 5 hours.  The only thing I remember feeling during all the infusions was cold.  When I got home all I remember thinking was how incredibly tired I was from sitting on my tush all day!  I slept a lot Friday.  Honestly I don't even know if I ate anything for dinner?   But so far no vomit or diarrhea.  OH FUN FACT!  Once you get a chemo infusion they ask that you flush the toilet two times for 48 hours to make sure that all the toxins that came out of your body are completely gone from the toilet...chemosabe is one hard bitch to flush out.

Saturday I was exhausted, (this will be a common theme as I am typing this on day 6 and still feel just as tired as day 1), had serious stomach cramps, my head was pounding, and my face was on fire.  I was able to eat and drink fine this day.  Then Sunday arrived.  Sunday I woke up with my face, neck and chest burning.  When I looked in the mirror I had a rash covering each of those areas.  It was bad to my eye.  My face still looks like I hit puberty in the worst way.  There are too many red bumps to count and some are hive like.  NOT.  FUN.  I told Scott I would rather vomit than have all these painful bumps on my face with a constant burning sensation.  We called advice nurse because it's a holiday weekend and they suggested taking Zyrtec during the day and Benadryl at night.  In case you are wondering, that combination is not doing a damn thing.  

From Sunday to Monday I had the same side effects; exhaustion, stomach cramps, face burning,  rash, head itching, and then diarrhea and nose bleeds decided to make an entrance.  Thankfully (I guess) it wasn't like the movies portray it but still not a walk in the park.  Tuesday morning I woke up at around 3 am ready to rip my stomach out the nausea was so bad.  My mom and Scott wanted to take me to the ER because, according to them, I looked like I was dead and moaning like a zombie.   I popped one of my anti-nausea pills and fell asleep for three hours.  Once I woke up I felt pretty normal.  Thank the Lord for modern day medicine and the minds that have studied and researched to create it.  

Today is day 6 post chemo and I sort of feel like myself minus the rash and burning sensation.    I am really hoping that I can get something stronger for the rash.  Seems dumb but I think that is the hardest side effect.  My face, neck and chest are just killing me.  Hopefully before the next infusion my doctor and I will be able to come up with a new medicine to help prevent that reaction.  Then again if that is the harshest side effect I should count myself pretty darn lucky.  I will keep my fingers crossed that the flu symptoms stay light, I do not get any mouth sores, and I am able to keep eating.  

My friends, Megan and Jodie, gave me this shirt the day before chemo and I felt it was pretty appropriate for my first infusion.  If I have learned anything over the past 6 weeks it is that my body is not complete.  There is so much work to be done, both inside and outside, but in the end I pray my body will be healthy and healed.  I know that I will never look the same, or be the me I used to know, but I will be alive.  For the time being "under construction" seems to be right about where I am in this process.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/24/18

This day will forever be remembered as the day that I got to shower.

It has to be the way that heaven feels, there is absolutely no other way I can think to describe it. 

It was better than getting the drains removed. 

I might go shower again before I get in bed just because I can!

That is all folks.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/24/18

It would seem that I will be introduced to my new best friend tomorrow, chemo therapy, affectionately referred to from here on out as Chemosabe.  As with most friendships there will be ups and downs, days we are best friends and inseparable, followed by days filled with curse words and death wishes.  Since it is a forced friendship I have some apprehension about it.  Everyone knows it's easier to become friends naturally and on your own schedule than when your mom says you have to be friends with that person....

My treatment plan is 6 rounds, every 3 weeks.  At the end of 6 I stick to just one medicine for a year every 3 weeks. No one really knows how they are going to respond to the cocktail but I am thinking it'll be something like this;

Essentially a bit like Animal House!  I'm hoping that I will be one of the lucky ladies that Chemosabe treats kindly but only time will tell.  I would just ask that you don't text me numerous times asking how I am.  Please don't bypass me and ask my family members how I am either.  It's not going to be pretty but I will be fine.  The hardest part is the emotional component involved with this for not only me but my family as well.  For some people the random texts asking how they are might be helpful.  I am not that woman.  My battle is fought in my head and once I am finished processing and ready to tell the world I will.  You've probably noticed I don't update the blog daily yet.  It takes me a minute to process all the F'd up crap that I am dealing with.  One month ago I was a healthy, vibrant working mom that ran, lifted weights, attended everything for my kids, and so much more.  Today I am so far from that person it is comical.

When I am feeling up to it I will get on here and let you know.  If you want to send me a text that says, "hope you feel less like your insides are on fire and more like your kid woke up 5x last night..thinking of you." COOL!  Just please no message multiple times a day or phone calls numerous times because I can't pick up.  I love you, I am so grateful for the support, but sometimes I just need me time.  I've got this and I am blessed to be surrounded by people that are holding me up.  Three cheers that Chemosabe will kick cancer the F out of my body.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/24/18

Accepting that I am in control of my life is long gone these days and trying to understand why I got the cancer card pulled would be a full time job that I am unqualified to take on.  My focus has shifted to what I am in control of, and though it isn't much, it is empowering to grasp onto. 

My Hair. 

I am in control of when my hair officially comes off.  My brother, John, told me about a woman he knew that upon receiving her breast cancer diagnosis buzzed her hair off.  When he asked why, she explained her desire to have power and control over her life.  It is such a simple answer that is laced in the most intricate of emotions and details.  Every day I look in the mirror and the physical manifestation of the woman I am is changing and those changes are out of my hands.  The bottom line is that these changes are not things I would pick, except to prolong and save my life. 

Cutting my hair last week was the first step, or what I have been calling, PHASE ONE.  These days everything is a trilogy so I decided to jump on board.  Yesterday was PHASE TWO.  Originally I wanted to cut my hair super short.  The kids and Scott nixed that.  I was ready but they weren't (it makes me shake my head that cutting and losing my hair makes them nervous but chopping off my boobs has not phased them).  Anxious to get PHASE TWO moving my mom got me an appointment with her hair lady, Heather. 

My mom is a beautiful woman with skinny little chicken legs (I did NOT get), sea foam blue green eyes (another thing I did NOT get), and big ol' honking boobs (yeah I did NOT get those either).  One thing my mom does not have is thick hair (I'm okay with not getting that one!) so Heather assumed I had my mom's hair type when she booked my haircut.  I always say my dad is either a beautiful man or I am a handsome woman because we are the exact replica of each other in the opposite gender.  Thanks for the hair though dad it's super thick and has volume for days!  Hoping that I wouldn't end up with my dads exact haircut we opted for a pixie and this is what we came up with....

Now I look like my grandma who rocked the pixie, aka boy cut, as long as I can remember.  The haircut that Heather thought would only be about a half an hour took almost 2.  She even texted my mom this picture with the caption, "Just a little trim, right...she has enough hair for two people!"

Would I have chose to chop it all off into this style, probably not.  Am I in love with it, not today.  It's a reminder that I am sick and no where close to being at the end of this.  But the glass can either be half empty or half full and I will always choose half full.  Even if I might not want to have cancer, I might not want to have no breasts, I might not want to have to lose my hair, and heaven knows I DO NOT WANT to be unable to shower, but it is what it is and I will laugh and rock this till the end.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/22/18

The other day while perusing Pinterest I came across this quote, "Invest in your hair, it is the crown you never take off."  I think unconsciously that is how I have always viewed my hair.  Those lucky few that have known me for decades know that I am not afraid to experiment with different hair length and styles.  When I was swimming and (forced) to run in college I chopped it all off.  I couldn't spend time doing my hair I needed to practice and study!  But those days are long gone and I have sorta fallen in love with having longer hair.  It is easier to do because my waves and volume needed little assistance at a longer length.  Now, looming around the corner is chemo, and my hair will be making a rapid exit. 

I have done a lot of research and consulted with numerous pink sisters that have traveled down this road with young kids over the past few weeks.  The consensus is kids handle their mom losing her hair in steps versus one big drastic chop.  My kids are most concerned about me losing my hair which is understandable as it is the most visible change to them.  With that in my mind I really want to try to make this next step in my treatment as painless as possible for the.

Scotty and I talked with the kids about me cutting my hair.  We all looked online at pictures and decided what everyone liked.  Emery decided she wanted to cut and donate her hair with me so I made us an appointment. 

We made it a bit of a family affair with my mom, Brody and Reyna coming with us to cut Emery's.  My hairstylist, Jenny, and I have been together for over 5 years now and I adore her.

Emery cut almost 12 inches off.  It was officially her first big hair cut.  Up to this point we had only done trims so the hair cut really made her look like a big girl, which she is, but oh vey when did my baby grow up?!

Up next was me...I thought I was ready and I have said "it's just hair, who cares?!" about a hundred times but in that moment I was stupid sad.  I looked in that mirror and all I could think was, "this is it, the last time I will look in the mirror and look like me.  The last time I will look like the woman I have come to love staring back at me in the mirror."  There are some really irrational thoughts going through your mind AND IT IS JUST HAIR!  

Jenny and I cried a little bit together as she tied it in sections so I could donate it and then it was over. 

In the end I think I had around 11 inches to donate.  All in all Emmy and I are going to send enough hair to hopefully make a fabulous wig for someone with cancer.  There is some heartwarming tingles knowing that.  

Breast cancer is funny because it really strips you of all womanly feeling.  I have lost my breasts.  I will lose the hair on my head, probably eyebrows and eyelashes too, the medicine will most likely put me into early menopause...I don't feel like myself, I don't look like myself, and I am mentally challenged to remind myself that even though it doesn't look like it or feel like it I am still me.   I think I have said something like this before.  The harsh reality is that it is true and not something that people talk about because HELLO, it's cancer!  But I guess I wasn't prepared for this portion of the head game. 

As frustrating as it is the little things like Emmy deciding to chop off a chunk of her hair to donate with me are magical.  Then my sister(in-law but that is a total technicality) Lu surprised me on Sunday debuting her new hair that is chopped and shaved underneath in support of me.  She says she will go shorter every time I cut mine.   Lu is just crazy and I can't believe that she did this!  Here I am bellyaching about cutting mine and she goes and buzzes hers!  I am a very lucky girl to have the support that I do and I am so, so, so grateful for my family they are one in a million, no trillion.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/22/18

Second bandage change happened last week and the nurse that did it was nice enough to snap me a picture to keep. 

According to the nurse it looks "gorgeous".  These are the type of compliments I get these days!  I'm no medical expert, closer to a science experiment, but that picture just looks icky.  I am so much more bruised from this tiny little surgery.  Plus here we are close to two weeks later and I am bruised outside my bandage something ridiculous.  Apparently I am a cluster when it comes to the small stuff but a champion at major surgeries, who knew.

My last bandage change is this Thursday and if everything looks good I will be given the official go ahead to SHOWER!!!!!  That will be exactly one month from my mastectomy surgeries.  Is it wrong to ask you to pray that this will happen?  I'm going with no, God is merciful and wants us clean in spirit and mind....and BODY, right????

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/17/18

Prior to cancer I had only had two surgeries; right breast lumpectomy and tonsils removed.  Since April 7th, my diagnosis date, I have had 5 mammograms, 2 ultrasounds, 2 breast biopsies, 1 sentinel node biopsy and let me just say it included 4 radioactive nipple juice injections (holy moly ouch), bilateral mastectomy, breast reconstruction expansion, and port installation surgery.  That means in less than one month I have had more surgeries than I did in 36 years.  If you reflect on that it's a little impressive and I feel like I should get an award or something.

 Overall the port surgery was the easiest out of all I have had in the past month.  It helped that the team of surgeons, doctors, nurses, and radiologist that worked with me that day were certifiably crazy.  I have never had so much fun before, during, and even after a procedure.  They were teasing each other, dancing to mariachi music and something from the 50's, followed by a little gansta' rap that all were singning.  My memories of this day just make me chuckle.  It was so fun I begged all of them to come back together in a year and do the removal surgery for me, keeping my fingers crossed they will.

That's the picture I sent to Scott after I got home.  You will notice I still have my sexy camisole on that holds my drains.  The nurses were a bit freaked out when I showed up with my drains and cut out boobs still healing.  But after much discussion all was good and the surgery went off without a hitch.  My nurse told me he was a virgin when it came to doing surgery on a chick that had just had her breast chopped off.  He was in the military and deployed 4 times so he thought he'd seen it all.  I told him I was happy to be his first.

I was more sore after this surgery than the others, probably because I still have nerves in that location unlike the mastectomy where they all had to be removed.  One of the things I was not prepared for was the stinging sensation that accompanies the catheter being inserted into the vein.  That is no joke a nasty feeling.  Thankfully it took about two days to go away and then wasn't noticeable. 

For this surgery I have to go back multiple times to get bandages changed and for my team to make sure everything is healing how it should.  Earlier this week I got the first set of bandages removed.  Again a picture I took to send to Scotty.  I should probably start attempting to take better pictures since I am posting on here, no promises, but I will try!  If you look above my shirt on the right side you can see a small wound that is healing.  This is the location that they cut to install the catheter into my vein.  It was still bruised but gets to breath leaving me with one less bandage, you can see my excitement.  For the next week I go back to get my bandages changed over the port location, it is the white bandage peeking out of my shirt in that picture.  Once that bandage is officially removed, hopefully by next Thursday, I will be one step closer to taking a full fledged shower.

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/16/18

Cancer is hard.  Really hard.  It literally changes every aspect and corner of your life.  With breast cancer it changes your physical appearance and for me, it drastically did, and at warp speed.   There was no option except to remove my entire breast because of the sheer size and number of my tumors.  Ironically the cysts I had removed 20 years ago in my right breast where able to be removed and every doctor that did a breast exam would comment on how "cute" my scar was across my nipple line.  That nipple and it's partner on the left are now gone forever because there is a higher chance of recurrence if you keep your nipples.

All this talk of boobs and nipples is to get you ready for what is below.  SO, listen, I am just going to apologize in advance, but there is some lady out there that just found out she has breast cancer and the only option is to remove her breast.  As with any illness you head to the internet and that is why I decided to post a picture of my NOOBS after surgery. 

If you don't want to look just skip this post.  It took me 2 weeks to finally look down at my chest so don't feel bad!  If you do look that is fine too.  If you are chick just diagnosed and hoping to understand just what in the hell is going to happen, look, a lot, and enlarge the picture.  Here goes....

My incisions are not mirror images because of where my largest tumor was located.  That tumor was especially close to my skin so the incision had to take that into consideration.  You might notice that I'm not flat as a board up above.  That's because I chose to do immediately reconstruction which means I left my mastectomy surgery with expanders in that had some saline solution inside them.   I told Scott that this part of my journey will be like him watching me go through puberty as my NOOBS grow with each fill.  There are just way too many exciting things to look forward to!!   

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/14/18

I know every mother thinks they won the jackpot with their kids, but I actually did win the jackpot with my kids.  If there was one thing I could change about having cancer it is the changed reality my children are having to live with.  There childhood changed in an instant, enter mom guilt, because of me.  Up until that moment I had done everything in power to prevent them from growing up to quickly and in an instant that was gone.  There was a lot of trepidation about how they were going to react to the  news by Scott and I.  Thankfully our kids are incredible.  They immediately got on Amazon and loaded the cart with all  the breast cancer paraphernalia they liked.  We are know bathed in pink cancer fighting shirts, wrapped in bracelets supporting the cause, and constantly looking for new breast cancer items.  The sweetest pick they had was shirts to wear for me.  All I ever wanted to be was a mom, and I am even more thankful this Mother's Day for my children.  

I like to think of myself as a great mom but when I compare myself to my mom, I would kick it down to good.  My mom is someone I always considered my best friend.  Between school and swimming I didn't really have many close friends so she was it.  Growing up with a large family (3 brothers, 2 sisters) I watched how hard she worked to get things done around the house, run kids to activities, and be there for each of us in our own way.  She was exhausting to watch and because of that I tried my hardest to do more.  Around the age of 8 or 9 I started doing a nightly turn down service to my parents bed where I would lay notes and candy on the pillows.  I had no idea how to make things easier for her but had a desire to do something to show her...now decades later I am back in my parents house and relying on her endless devotion to help me get better.  Over the past few weeks she has become my nurse, picked up the slack on all my mothering duties for my kids, become a shoulder for my husband, and so much more.  I can't imagine standing at the start of this race without her by my side.  Saying I love her does not do justice to the level of emotion I have for her.  It is a love that is so much more.  I will forever be grateful that I got her as my mom.  SHE.  IS.  THE.  BEST.