Just Keep Swimming
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 07/23/18
Cancer is like water, it continues to flow filling every nook and cranny that it can find until it has reached level ground. I don't know if we have reached level ground yet.
In complete honesty I thought my family (the small Alicia and Scott family, not my big, crazy, Lowryland family) was going to make it though this battle fairly unaffected by the disease. I rationalized this because of two things: the kids all finished out the school year with honors and citizenship awards, and, they have acted "normal" at home. Looking back I realize that I was/am still very present in these two aspects of their life bringing very little notice change to them.
One area that I have been far removed from since receiving my diagnosis is the pool. Typically I am at every practice and every meet but treatment does not allow me to do that. If it isn't the number of people that could unknowingly give me some sort of germ, it is the heat and sun. I know I have said in other blog posts that this, not being at the pool, was one of the hardest consequences for me to accept. It seems like it is also the hardest for my kids.
Brody, Reyna, and Emery have had a tough season. In our family we don't judge performance on where the kids finish in place standings, we judge it based on improved time. Overall we ended the season with maybe 10 improved times. It was rough for them because they didn't understand what they were doing wrong. They go to practice, do what the coaches ask, try their hardest at the meets, but in the end the results were not what they expected.
Yesterday was their last meet of the season, championships. It was also the first meet I was able to attend from start to finish. Scott has stepped up big time this summer taking over swim dad duties but there is nothing like having mom there too. This was made evident because Emery needed to touch me until the moment she dove in the water, Reyna didn't seem to need me at all except to scream "Hi MOM!" every hour, and Brody wanted me with him before and after every race.
Watching their first races of the day I cried while they swam. My mind kept reminding me that if I hadn't done my own breast exams, or made that doctor appointment, or waited in line to make the appointment for imaging as fast as I had I would not be standing there at that moment able to watch them swim. I know people were looking at me wondering what was wrong with me, but I didn't care. My children are miracles no matter how fast they swim and I want to be here to see the next hundred races they have.
As much as I love getting to see my own kids swim it is just as exciting to watch all my little Sea Lions swim too. It feels like a year has been wiped from my life by missing all these meets. Michelle's twins that are 5 made the team and enough meets to go to championships and I only got to see them swim twice! The entire 9/10 girls age group dominated the last heat of every event and I saw only a few of the swims. Then the 9/10 boys only had their fellow team mates to push them and every single of one of them got stronger and faster. Carter is now in 11/12's. It honestly hurts my hearts. I know they aren't my kids, but they are.
We have been lucky to have some pretty great families help us out and keep my children's heads up over the summer. Parents have noticed when one of them seem sad or distance often resulting in me receiving texts saying things like, "hey your daughter didn't seem like herself today, why don't you let us take her for an hour to get her mind off things." Or, "your kid seemed really unhappy today, thought I would let you know. Let me know if I can do anything!" To say I appreciate those texts is an understatement.
Unfortunately the flip side to those amazing families that have helped us is that there are those that have felt it was better to look at my children and my family and find fault in the way we are dealing with me having cancer. This is not a platform for me to pass judgment but it is a place for me to be honest about what I am going through. The reality is that some parents think their children are perfect and can do no wrong. They feel better when they go out of their way to find fault in other people's children, I am not one of those parents. My children, my husband, and myself are not perfect, far from it. All five of us work everyday to be a little bit better than we were the day before. We make mistakes and that is how God made us. He wants us to learn and grow, to have choice and accountability. He didn't send us here as the only perfect beings to watch others and then judge them as inferior.
Unless you have cancer, are married to someone with cancer, or are a young child whose parent has cancer you do not know what we are going through. You don't have to like me, my husband, or any of my kids to understand any aspect of that. But, you can be empathetic and compassionate. You can realize that my family is dealing with something that no one ever wants to deal with. Our struggle is real, it is hard, it is ugly, and it is something that is ongoing. Love one another, right?
The Biedermann Crew will just keep swimming. We will continue to try to be a little bit better than we were yesterday. We will continue to strive to be kind. Scott and I will continue to hold our kids accountable when they make a bad choice, and we will all learn from it. We aren't perfect, but we are doing our best. And without a doubt, we will continue to be grateful for the family and friends that have been supporting us through good and bad times. You help us more than words can say!