Long Gone

Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 05/24/18

Accepting that I am in control of my life is long gone these days and trying to understand why I got the cancer card pulled would be a full time job that I am unqualified to take on.  My focus has shifted to what I am in control of, and though it isn't much, it is empowering to grasp onto. 

My Hair. 

I am in control of when my hair officially comes off.  My brother, John, told me about a woman he knew that upon receiving her breast cancer diagnosis buzzed her hair off.  When he asked why, she explained her desire to have power and control over her life.  It is such a simple answer that is laced in the most intricate of emotions and details.  Every day I look in the mirror and the physical manifestation of the woman I am is changing and those changes are out of my hands.  The bottom line is that these changes are not things I would pick, except to prolong and save my life. 

Cutting my hair last week was the first step, or what I have been calling, PHASE ONE.  These days everything is a trilogy so I decided to jump on board.  Yesterday was PHASE TWO.  Originally I wanted to cut my hair super short.  The kids and Scott nixed that.  I was ready but they weren't (it makes me shake my head that cutting and losing my hair makes them nervous but chopping off my boobs has not phased them).  Anxious to get PHASE TWO moving my mom got me an appointment with her hair lady, Heather. 

My mom is a beautiful woman with skinny little chicken legs (I did NOT get), sea foam blue green eyes (another thing I did NOT get), and big ol' honking boobs (yeah I did NOT get those either).  One thing my mom does not have is thick hair (I'm okay with not getting that one!) so Heather assumed I had my mom's hair type when she booked my haircut.  I always say my dad is either a beautiful man or I am a handsome woman because we are the exact replica of each other in the opposite gender.  Thanks for the hair though dad it's super thick and has volume for days!  Hoping that I wouldn't end up with my dads exact haircut we opted for a pixie and this is what we came up with....

Now I look like my grandma who rocked the pixie, aka boy cut, as long as I can remember.  The haircut that Heather thought would only be about a half an hour took almost 2.  She even texted my mom this picture with the caption, "Just a little trim, right...she has enough hair for two people!"

Would I have chose to chop it all off into this style, probably not.  Am I in love with it, not today.  It's a reminder that I am sick and no where close to being at the end of this.  But the glass can either be half empty or half full and I will always choose half full.  Even if I might not want to have cancer, I might not want to have no breasts, I might not want to have to lose my hair, and heaven knows I DO NOT WANT to be unable to shower, but it is what it is and I will laugh and rock this till the end.