Two Year Cancerversary
Throughout my life there have been moments that are forever etched into my mind. Most of these memories I never want to forget because each is encased in layer, upon layer, of love. The day I met my husband…I can still remember the exact outfit he was wearing, the moment we said “I do” and the rightness of knowing we were meant for each other, and when each of our three children were born and placed upon my breast. Moments are what weave the tapestry of our lives together.
As I have been reminded of, time and time again, is that we are not in control of our life. No matter how hard we try to mitigate anything negative into our lives it always finds a way. With each joyous memory that is imprinted on my brain the harsh moments are tattooed as well. When the doctor first told me he was 99% sure it was cancer, how Scott looked at me after I told him, my children’s faces filled with fear and the inability to speak upon hearing the news, the nurse navigator telling me I would do great because I was young and healthy, the excruciating pain after surgeries, the sickness after chemo…hearing the cancer was back. These moments, these I wish I could forget. Too many times in the dark of night they replay in my head taking over like the cancer I am fighting.
Today, April 6th, is the day I found out I had cancer two years ago My younger brother and his wife were upstairs in Labor and Delivery getting ready to bring my nephew into the world. I remember walking up and seeing them before I went down to my appointment. As the doctor started explaining the severity of what we had found my phone was vibrating the announcement of my brother’s son birth. It was very surreal. In that second I was experiencing the worst moment of my life. I sat on the table in a paper gown trying to hold not only it together, but myself. One floor above me my brother and sister-in-law were experiencing one of the happiest moments of their lives. A day that brings my brother and his wife such joy is a constant reminder to me of the day that my life fell apart.
Some thrivers and survivors celebrate their cancerversary., sort of an F you to cancer. I am not there yet…I don’t know if I ever will be. For me this is not a happy day. Today is a reminder of the day that my life transformed into something unimaginable. It is the day that I embarked on a journey into the unknown that is laden with minefields, potholes and unbearable pain. No matter how many times a day I remind myself to find something positive, today isn’t the day for that…at least not yet.