Having Faith
This week I will be having what we think will be my last chemotherapy treatment... again.
31 infusions.
It renders me speechless.
31 doses of some of the strongest medicines available for my type of cancer. The medicine is working to save my life but I wonder at what cost? How is living with the side effects for the remainder of it going to be? I question if it will have been strong enough to beat it this time? How strong will I need to be to endure going through this again if It comes back? The questions are limitless and anxiety producing.
But here I am, once again, standing in front of the finish line. The weight of both fear and hope is suffocating.
Since the second diagnosis I have had three PET scans. I have not written about them on here because I do not like to talk about results until they are concrete and 100% certain. When you are as open about things as I have been it gives people the misconception that I want to talk about cancer all the time….I don’t. I really just want to forget that this is my life.
My PET scans have revealed that I have an area of concern in one of my lungs. So what does that mean? Hopefully nothing but the area is not going away nor has it gotten smaller over the past six months that we have been monitoring it. So next step is to do a CT scan. The CT will allow the doctor’s to determine if I have scar tissue (what I am hoping for), organizing pneumonia (some what common in breast cancer patients), or tumors. The scan was originally planned for either this week or the following however with COVID19 I have not heard when this is going to take place now.
With where the world is at my level of unease is reaching epic levels. I don’t like to be in panic mode in real life. Instead I am more like the duck in the water; calm on the surface but paddling like a madman underneath. For me music soothes my mind and helps remind me to shift my focus. For the past few days I have been listening to one of my all time favorite songs “Have a Little Faith In Me” by John Hiatt. Every aspect of the song from the piano down to the gravel in his voice that is emphasized by the words. It is the song I hear at this moment in time. The lyrics are below:
When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me
And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me
You can decide how you want to internalize this song. It could be your relationship with our Lord and Savior and his ever encompassing love. Perhaps it reminds you of a significant other that never allows you to give up. Does it remind you of the unconditional love a parent has for their child? No matter what is going on in your life right now I am sure this song makes you think of a person that was there for you when you needed them.
I know that this is going to be an emotional week for me. It will test my faith in God, in medicine, and in my doctors, but most of all, in myself. No matter what the future holds I do have faith that I can endure it. Below I put a link to youtube so you can enjoy the song yourself.