One Year

One year ago I was told I had cancer and so much has changed since then. In my quest for authenticity on this blog I will say it hasn’t all been bad but it sure as hell hasn’t been great!

Overall I think what has changed the most is the level of exhaustion that I feel. After having a baby with colic that never slept I really felt as if I had a grasp on what “being tired” actually meant. I was wrong. I have tried so hard to keep up on my family, kids, job, home, and life all while going through treatment and surgery after surgery that I just want a break from it all. There has been loads of collateral damage because of cancer and the overwhelming need to just rest. If anything my love for coffee has been reinvigorated because of it.

If there was statistical data compiled on what I spent the most time doing over the past year it would be a toss up between sleeping and sitting in the bathroom. Although this is disgusting it is a fact of life when you have cancer. If anything I am very appreciative of all the years I didn’t spend in the restroom and hope that there are many more years ahead that will not generate extended toilet time.

My body has become a constant source of bewilderment. Never having been a weak person it is a struggle to accept that I am still pretty frail. No one explained to me how much strength I would lose after my bilateral mastectomy. I took for granted so many minute details of life before that surgery and I get a bit melancholy thinking about what my body was once capable of doing. Now, a few months after being cleared to workout, I struggle with maintaining the extension of my arms while gaining back muscle. Gone are the days of push ups, planks, and reaching to the top shelf in the kitchen. It doesn’t help that I am constantly reminded of the need to workout by every person I see in the healthcare field because exercise prevents reoccurrence…it is also suppose to prevent cancer but here we are.

I have redefined what friendship means to me. Someone in my cancer support group posted a meme that said, “if you want to know who your real friends are get a disease that will kill you and see who sticks around till the end.” Normally I hate these things but it really resonated with me. Lots of people show up in the beginning but as cancer gets real most of them fade away. And, as horrible as it sounds, once people realize you might not die from cancer they feel like you don’t have a disease that is going to require a support system or their friendship. Add on top of all this there is a preconceived notion that because you are sick you have a lot of time on your hands therefore, you should be making a bigger effort to maintain the relationship. I don’t know why people think this but I do know that this past year I have experienced kindness from people I never would have expected it from and heartache from the people I expected too much from. This is probably one of the hardest side effects of cancer because no one tells you about this and even if they did you can’t prepare for it because until it gets real you have no idea who is going to stick and who isn’t.

When I look back at the past 365 days I would say the thing that makes me think it hasn’t all been bad is Scott. There is no way I could have done this without him. I remember the night I told him they were 99% certain it was cancer and a lot of it with three tumors. I begged him not to touch me because I did not want to become emotional and if he did I would lose it. I kept moving backwards away from him, and he kept coming towards me, until he picked me up and sat down with me on his lap. He never listens. He also has never let me down. My love for him has grown to a level that is unimaginable and incomprehensible.

So, one year down and hopefully many, many more to come.