New Sensation

At each surgery my doctors have stressed that I could lose feeling in the area that was being cut into. Some times the loss of feeling is permanent, other times it is might be only a few weeks. For me I have very little feeling in my chest, almost no feeling underneath my left arm in the triceps area, and no feeling in my left armpit.

Imagine my surprise when this morning,as I was showering, I felt this funky pressure as I attempted to shave my armpit. Not feeling anything in that area for months then suddenly having a tangible sensation, well it scared the crap out of me. I jumped out of the shower to make sure I hadn’t cut my armpit. Everything was fine, which confused me even more. For the next few minutes I just stood, staring in the mirror, poking my armpit. I could sort of feel the poke!

When you receive a Novocaine shot from the dentist it numbs that area, however you can still feel “something” as they poke around your mouth. That is how my armpit feels. It is the weirdest sensation! I can’t fully feel in my armpit but I do feel pressure in that area. This new sensation is super odd. It is also a bit exciting and gives me hope that one day I may gain feeling in other areas.

I have been trying to figure out what would have made me feel this same level of excitement before cancer entered my life. The answer is, I do not know. This, being able to feel pressure in my armpit, it is a minuscule thing. It is something that, prior to cancer, I never stopped and thought about being able to feel my armpit. But today, today it feels like a huge victory.

Each day I wake up and just want to feel normal, to feel whole, to feel like me. Each morning I am reminded that I am no longer who I used to be. I want to say I am a better version, but there is no possible way that THIS is better. Instead I remind myself that I am a different version of myself. A version that I have very little control over.

I know that I look different, that my hair is a mass of curls and that my body is riddled in scars. I know that my insides are fighting a battle that is ongoing, and possibly, never ending. I also know that the only area of my life I have control is my attitude, and I am doing my best to keep a tight positive hold on it. To that I will keep celebrating these small obscure victories that I encounter, like feeling pressure in my armpit.