No Joking Matter

After getting pneumonia following that last round of chemo I have been taking no chances since getting my 10th infusion of TDM1. That means we have reached a total of 27 rounds of chemotherapy I have received….how insane is that!? Typing that actually makes me feel a little sick.

Scotty was with me for round 10. I have mixed emotions about all the nurses knowing who we are. For one it means we are there too often. But then there is a small level of comfort that we aren’t just another poke. I don’t know the halls of the infusion center are a double edge sword. All the people I have met are dead with the exception of one. I am less talkative to the people I sit by as it hurts my heart and messes with my head as to why I continue to be the one that goes on.

I know I am constantly saying how lucky I am to have Scott at my side but it is so much more than that. He is so hardworking and dedicated, to his job, to his children, and to me. A day does not go by that I don’t thank the Lord that he picked him for me. My gratitude will be eternal that Scott is my partner in this life.

My hair is coming in with an abundance of curls. In fact once my brother sends me it I will post a picture and you all can decide if you can tell which is my hair and which is his labradoodle’s…I’ll just let you know I guessed wrong.

All things considered I am doing really well. The picture above I wanted to post for one reason. I am looking more “normal”. In the realm of cancer people think that once you start to look better, you start to feel better. If that is true I missed the memo. Those that know me I am sure can look above and see how tired I look. We are always more critical of ourselves but seeing me in the mirror still gives me a jolt. I look so incredibly different.

There is a new level of nervousness that has permeated my typical levelheadedness after getting sick. One round of pneumonia was enough to make me keep a stash of these medical masks in my purse at all time. Per the nurses recommendations I have been wearing these anytime I leave my house since the last round of chemo.

You all know I am trying to be present at everything for my kids this time. Since making that decision they have decided to take on more sports. That picture is from me at the girls basketball game. I also wear these at Brody’s games too. People are more weary of seeing me with this mask on than seeing me when my head was bald and my chest had been flattened. It doesn’t help that the fear of the corona virus is a very real thing right now, but still, it is just another level of compassion I have for people that try to live while dealing with a chronic disease.

My kids are at an age where I am sure it is embarrassing to have a mom with an enormous afro and a medical mask attending their activities. I remember rolling my eyes at my own mother doing something or wearing something I thought was embarrassing when I was younger. But these kids of mine could care less. All of us, my family, are learning that image and what others think does not matter. What is most important, what has always been the most important, is that we are together and supportive. I think it is one more item to add to the list of things cancer has taught us. Perhaps I need to write a blog that actually lists all of these items. It would be good for me to look at and be reminded that had we (my kids, Scott, and myself) not had cancer we might not have learned these lessons as fast or as meaningfully.