The End of the Road

Today is officially my last targeted chemotherapy treatment. I should be overjoyed. I should be relieved. I should be asleep. Yet, I am none of those things…if only our minds had a shutoff switch.

Everyone is beyond excited for me to be at this point. They want to throw a party and I just want to throw up. To them it is exciting, I’m done, Yippee!!! To me it is the realization that I am back to being on my own. I was on my own before and I couldn’t fight this thing once it woke up, so how in the hell am I suppose to attack it if it comes back again?

The emotions and anxiety that are inside me are making me sick to my stomach. Rationally I know that my chances are good, that I will only fight this disease once based on research studies. However, based on research studies I was never a candidate to get cancer, so there is that. I think once you get cancer you are allowed to have a few irrational thoughts, and today, I am having some.

I can admit that I am scared. I am afraid this might not be the end but a brief intermission. At the beginning of this I referred to breast cancer as a journey, and it has been one. Back then I think I thought it would have a very clear beginning, middle, and end. What I now know is that the only thing obvious with cancer is the beginning and after that nothing is obvious. A year ago I thought this day would never come, now that it is, I wish it was still further in the future.