The No Good, Very Long, Stupid Day
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 11/21/18
I keep trying to start writing this entry and end up deleting it over and over because I don't know where to start. Mainly the problem is that I haven't written anything on here yet about a lump that developed in my mouth months ago because discussing it makes it real, and for me, reality sorta sucks these days.
During my appointment with my oncologist last month we decided it would probably be best to have the lump in my mouth removed. Since I was cleared for my exchange surgery last week she suggested I contact my dentist and see if they could get me on their schedule to have it removed. Though we don't think it is going to come back malignant (it would be rare for breast cancer to metastasize to the mouth) if it did then my treatment plan would need to change. Yesterday my dentist referred me to an oral surgeon and they wanted me to come in right away. Due to the exchange surgery I can't drive which made it a bit tricky figuring out the logistics but my sister Deni was able to help me out.
Before she showed up my vision started getting...weird. My first thought was my contacts so I went in the bathroom to check them out and see if I needed to get a new pair. However when I looked in the mirror my eyes were dilated but not like last Thursday and Friday. This time one eye had a huge pupil and the other a tiny one. I took a picture because I wanted to be certain I wasn't going crazy.
These pictures make my nose look enormous. It's 3:23 in the morning and I am sitting on the couch in my family room cracking up. They are really terrible images but I want you to see what I am seeing.
Okay so obviously this is not normal and I was a little freaked out. Not sure what to do I sent a message to my oncologist in case it was from my chemo Friday and also to my plastic surgeon in case it was from the surgery. In the mean Deni showed up and I showed her. Any of you that know Deni know she has the world's worst vision. In fact I think her prescription is so high she might be legally blind without glasses or contacts (no joke) and she thought my eyes looked wonky.
Not sure what to do because I was not getting a response from the doctors I message my friend that is a physicians assistant and also has the same type of breast cancer as I. She had her exchange surgery too so I felt like maybe she would be able to shed some light on my situation. Her response was that I should go to the ER or urgent care and to post it in my facebook group to see if anyone else had something similar. What I found out was that no one had this happen and everyone thought I needed to go to the ER...I went to the oral surgeon appointment instead.
At the oral surgeon's office we found out was that he also thinks we need to remove it because I do have cancer but feels like it will not be malignant. He wanted to remove it tomorrow, today actually, but I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon to remove all my bandages and HOPEFULLY be told that I can shower. No way I am missing that appointment! Instead it got scheduled for my birthday which just seems crappy but I want it done. The procedure is going to be a relatively easy and short lasting only about 45 minutes to an hour and hopefully only needing two to three stitches.
I should insert that I texted Scott asking him if I should go to the ER or not and he showed up at the oral surgeon's office. We both decided that seemed crazy and since we still hadn't heard from my doctors to call the advice nurse. The advice nurse talked to an ER doctor who said I had to be seen immediately so if I couldn't get a doctor appointment then to go straight to the ER. Thankfully they had an opening at 5:30 in the after hours clinic so no ER. Of course the eyes had started at 11 in the morning and by the appointment were almost back to normal, go figure, but I had taken pictures!
We were with the doctor for over an hour. First he wanted me to go have brain imaging done to rule out that I hadn't had a stroke. Then he made me do all these random test in the room to see if I had control of my body. After that he made us wait why he contacted an ophthalmologist. In the end he decided that he had no idea why my eyes were doing what they were doing and he wanted to wait on doing brain imaging.
The only thing that was for certain was my blood pressure. It has steadily been increasing since I was diagnosed with cancer and once chemopause set in, well, that only made it worse. Typically it has been around 133/85. At chemo on Friday it was stupid high at 150/90. They thought it was because I was in pain from the surgery and not taking any pain meds. At the doctor appointment yesterday it was 157/100. Needless to say it needed to be dealt with so I am now starting a medicine for that.
Finally a little after 7 we left the doctor and went to get the kids from Deni and Tone. It was a long day and I feel silly saying this but I spent a lot of it very scared. Scared that this random bump in my mouth is going to end up being malignant, scared that there is something in my brain causing my eyes to not work correctly, scared that I will end up having a stroke because my blood pressure suddenly is unable to be normal, just scared period.
As I sat there on the table in the doctor office and looked over at Scott I started to cry. I do not understand why my body is suddenly so weak. It frustrates me that a body that was once so strong and healthy suddenly seems to have forgotten how to function. I wonder how long Scott is going to be able to handle having a wife that was once his partner, his equal, someone to shoulder the weight and ease his burdens, that is now dead weight. He sits there so calm, responding to work emails, answering work calls, and then patiently helping me remember all the questions I need to ask the doctor because I can't seem to recall half of what I should anymore these days. Then he sees me crying and he tells me no matter happens he will take care of it. Where would I be without him? I never want to find out.
I am so glad that this day is over.