Heavy Heart
Originally published at bcvsbc.blogspot.com on 02/19/19
I genuinely do not know how to put into words how hard cancer is on your heart. Before I had cancer I felt like I was a compassionate person and tried my best to be supportive of my friends and family that were going through trials in their lives. Now, after having cancer, I don't know if I had an accurate understanding of just how difficult life can be.
To hopefully make this easier to understand I have a question. Think about a time when you really wanted something. Lets say to find love and not be single anymore or to have a baby. That desire and longing stays with you all day and all night. Everywhere you go you see happy couples or five pregnant ladies. It is as if every person on the planet has what you want and it looks easily attainable, right?
This is a little bit what it is like when you get cancer. Unfortunately it isn't the sunshine and roses of falling love or the unimaginable joy of getting to hold your sweet baby, it is a fist closed tight around your heart that never fully lets go. Suddenly, all you see are people that are healthy, people that are able to live their lives without any of the pain and anguish that comes from getting cancer. Because here is something that people don't realize, once you get cancer you become engulfed in a community of people that also have cancer. Some of that community becomes like family and they have a disease that is trying to kill them. It would be so much easier if you only met assholes with cancer but I can guarantee that will not be the case (at least most of the time).
I try not to discuss people by name on my blog because I don't know that they want to be on the internet and discussed publicly but today is different. Today I am going to tell you about my dear friend Esther.
Esther and I were acquaintances at first. We met years ago in the locker room after swim practice. I was hugely pregnant with Brody and she asked when I was due. That was over 11 years ago. Though we swam on different sides of the pool every morning we chatted in the locker room. A few years ago I had to stop swimming in the mornings and though we didn't see each other in the locker room anymore we kept in touch via Facebook.
After I had received my cancer diagnosis and made the decision to be as open as I could (posting on social media and this blog) Esther sent me a message on Facebook. As out in the open as I was about my situation, Esther was the exact opposite with hers. See Esther was also going through treatment for cancer, not breast, and not curable. That message began the beginning of a very special friendship for me.
As we continued to message one another we found out that we were both undergoing treatment at the same hospital! Although we were on different infusion schedules we tried to stop in during each others treatments to say hi. We started to meet each other for lunch or to grab a coffee. She said one day we might be decades apart but because of cancer it was so nice to have someone to talk to who just got it. And, she couldn't have been more right.
The past month and half we had not been able to get together in person. She had a family cruise planned and then I was out of town. We had finally locked down a day for me to come up to see her and I canceled because my diarrhea was insane. Then the next day we had scheduled she canceled because she wasn't feeling well. During that time her body had stopped responding to the chemo she was receiving. We messaged each other frequently and there was hope that she might get onto a trial for a new targeted therapy for her specific cancer but before she could find out she needed an emergency surgery to remove tumors on her spine that were starting to prevent her from walking. I really don't know what happened during the surgery, it was successful in removing those tumors, however afterwards I never received any more messages from Esther.
Her closest friend sent me an email explaining that Esther had asked her to keep me updated. Whatever they had found during the surgery made them decide to stop all treatment. So, Esther came home from the hospital to prepare the journey that would lead her back to her heavenly home. They didn't know how long she would have before it took over her entire body but they estimated a week or more. My only question was when I could come up and see her. I realize I should have asked more questions about the specifics on what happened but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I see her one more time so that I could tell her I loved her.
I headed to the store and got a mix of yellow flowers, her favorite, and drove to see my friend one last time. There was so much happiness in her house when I got there. She was surrounded by an enormous group of people that loved her and there was laughter ringing from every room. At the center of it all laid Esther in her bed flanked by her husband, children, grandchildren, swim friends, church friends, really there was hardly room to see her! It was a testament of a life well lived and loved beyond measure.
It was hard to know that this was probably the last time I would get to see her here on Earth. I might have held it together while I was in her house but I sobbed like a baby before I could start the drive the home. It is so bittersweet because I want her to stay but I want her out of pain (ultimately I just want cancer to never have existed or to only infect really horrendous people).
Last Monday I received word that Esther had finally earned her angel wings. Naturally I was sad, nothing can prepare you for death, even knowing it is coming. Yet I am overwhelmingly grateful for the time I got to spend with her and the countless messages we sent that I can read over and over. She was an incredible woman who took a painful and cruel sickness and turned it into a request from God to fill every day with pleasure and the people she loved. Man could she make you laugh and bring a smile to your face. I just have to think of her and I smile. People always say "she lit up the room" but Esther did. I will hold my memories of her close to my heart...until we meet again.