Keeping My Chin Up

I haven’t written in quite some time. Truthfully I didn’t want to get on here and put something down that I would later regret. Life has seemed to unravel after the revelation that my kids were hurting so much more than I knew. You can read about that in the blog post, Why We Keep Things Hidden, but I guess that was just the beginning.

First, I found out that someone I had considered a dear friend had said some pretty horrible things about me on social media. It doesn’t matter what or who. What matters is how I dealt with it since that is the only thing I have control of. I know that words have meanings, and I realize how powerful words can be. I also understand that we, individually, apply different meanings to words and concepts. This is in fact why there is such a constant breakdown in communication. Add in social media to the mix and people think they can do and say anything now. Social media, although powerful and inspiring, can lead to so many misconceptions of what our lives actually are. All of this was rolling around in my head and made me question if I was a bad friend and person? Having cancer has made me realize that I have to prioritize my time and who it is spent with. Outside of my family I have minimal contact with people. What energy is not used up on Scott, the kids, or my parents and siblings families is used up trying to keep up with my full time job. When I am lucky enough to see someone outside of my family it is typically purely by chance. If I post a picture of myself with people when I see them it is because, for me, I am filled with joy at seeing someone I have not seen in some time. I realized that I am not a great a friend but that I also have very few really great friends in return. Sadly the days are gone where I might try to meet up with people, invite people over to my home, or even drop by unexpectedly to sit and drink coffee. Also missing are the days where I might enjoy texting or calling someone just to talk. My life as it is is exhausting.

There is a rather intense frustration at having to watch everyone live their lives as my own continues to unravel into something further and further from what I used to know. Having said that I don’t spend much time on social media these days. The holidays are my favorite times. I look forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all year but these past two years they have made my heart so heavy. Instead of looking forward to the magic and wonder of the holidays I am filled with trepidation that this could be the last time I get to sit around a christmas tree with family. Logging on to see everyone happy and carefree or complaining about something so minute, honestly, it hurts my heart.

The next thing that seemed to go south was a doctor appointment. I had a check up with my surgeon whom I see every six months. At the appointment she found a lymph node on my non-cancer side that was enlarged. Typically she would have waited another six months to see if it had changed but because of my history she wanted me to have an ultrasound done right away, this way if it needed to be biopsied we could get it done quickly. It took over a week to get an appointment for the ultrasound and the wait during that week was pretty terrible. Scott has had to travel the past month or so for work and he was out of town when I had the appointment that the lump was found at. I didn’t tell anyone, only him, and over the phone. I just felt paralyzed. Although research confirms that it is rare for cancer to travel that way, everything about my cancer has defied the norms. In my head I know that this is how it will always be moving forward. Every lump or bump felt or found will have to be double checked. With each discovery I will hunker down in fear that this might be “the one” that could end it all. It makes it difficult to breath. It makes the longing to live even more intense and the wish that this was not my life a drumbeat in my head.

For me I deal better with things alone first. I have to get a grasp on what is happening before I let it go out into the universe. So I kept all of this to myself and asked Scott to do the same. The ultrasound came back okay which is good news. They want to watch it and see if anything changes but for now it looks like it is not cancerous. This news should have alleviated some of the churning in my stomach but it didn’t. If anything it is conformation that I am not as strong as I need to be to continue moving forward.

The last thing that happened started when Scott, in an effort to get my mind of my life, suggested we have a Hallmark movie watching marathon. We watch them as a family and it is one of my favorite things to do together. I was very disappointed when each movie we turned on had killed the mother off. After the third movie had a mother that was dead I had to leave the room. Does anyone even think about this when creating movies? Disney even kills the mother off more than the dad. For someone like me it is an arrow to the heart and an unconscious whisper in my head that I will leave my family just like in the movie.

This is not suppose to be a depressing blog but one that, hopefully, is inspiring to others. The past few posts I feel like I have been unable to provide that. I also promised that this blog would always be honest, even when that honesty is ugly and painful.

It is because of the cumulation of these things that I have had to do some soul searching these past few months. Since I haven’t discussed these with others it has to be divine intervention that my brother John and his wife JoAnn sent me this picture the other day. I hung it outside my closet door so I that I can see it each morning when I get dressed and each night before I go to bed. The artist said this about the painting, “…many unseen forces are interested in you, love you, and work to influence the matters for your profound benefit.” They sent this to me with a text that said, “Grandpa, grandma, and many others. We are one of those “unseen forces” too. Praying for you everyday. And trying to support you how we can. You’ve got legions of people here and in the next life who love you and care for you, all fighting with you.” I guess I needed to hear that I am never alone, even though sometimes it feels that way.

Yesterday as I had started writing this blog I was interrupted by a phone call from a friend, that is really more family, over 3,000 miles away to tell me that she loved me, that she missed me, and that she is always praying for me. We talked about a lot of what is in this blog and it gave me goosebumps that she felt the need to call me at that moment. God works in mysterious ways and I know he knew I needed to hear from her and look again at the picture my family had sent me. I didn’t post this yesterday because I needed to find some sort of “happy” note to end on. Yesterday I couldn’t find it. Today I did. We are never alone. No matter how much we feel like we are, there are people all over the world and waiting for us in the heavens that want us to be relieved of the pain and sorrow that this Earthly life brings, that deep down we only want the best for each other. I think that is what I am holding tight to right now.