Why We Keep Things Hidden

I am a firm believer that our attitude dictates how our lives are going to be. If we exude positivity then positive things will find their way to us. Am I always upbeat and happy? No, but I feel it is important that my kids see me living and trying to find the beauty in the moment. My hope is that they recognize it is a choice that has to be made. It might be hard to keep on smiling, but it is worth it, even beneficial. But it is also necessary to voice your concerns and fears along the way. It seems I might have kept too many of my own concerns to myself.

Recently I found out that one of my own children had been burying their emotions regarding my sickness. This is not healthy and the emotions that have been repressed are starting to manifest themselves in disruptive ways. It is hard to find out this is happening, but harder because I never noticed the fear that was residing inside my baby. The saying, “smile through the pain” had been adopted by them as, “smile through the fear.”

It took multiple sit down talks to get the answer as to why things were happening that should not have been. What we discovered was they didn’t want to say anything to upset me. The past month we have been doing normal stuff we did before cancer. We went to Reno for the weekend with my parents, attended a big event for my grandfather, and took the kids to Disneyland. It was exhausting but great.

I told my family after the second diagnosis that we were not going to put our lives on hold anymore. Cancer had already taken a year from us. There is no getting back missed school events, sporting events, holiday parties, and more. If this is going to be it, then damn it, I wanted, no needed, to live life! I thought it would be better for the kids to see me there, present, participating in their lives. What I found out is that me being there was creating mass anxiety inside my children. The more I attempted to be present in day to day events, the more concerned my kids were becoming. In my mind I was living, not allowing cancer to steal the most precious gift from me anymore, time with my family. However in my children’s minds it was as if I was trying to fit in everything I could before I died. Listening as your child tells you that they feel like they are watching you slowly die…well it is one of the hardest things to hear. I think it was more painful than hearing the diagnosis for the second time.

My intentions were to help my children, instead they were doing the opposite. Our open communication about all things cancer had left them thinking Scott and I were still shielding them from the really bad stuff. We told them exactly what we told everyone else, even what is on this blog, but they believed we were not being completely honest with them.

There is no guidebook on navigating this journey. All the research I have done suggests I am doing everything “right”. But is there anything that is right with cancer? I imagine how I would have handled being told my own mother had cancer when I was 8, 9, or 10. Just typing that makes me sick to my stomach. It is unimaginable and horrifying. It is the one thing I wish that I could eliminate from this entire situation, and something I have no control over.

Yesterday I sat and talked with my kids. I was more honest than I have ever been. I shared that there are days I have to go sit in my closet while tears pour down my face and pray to have the strength to endure the treatments. I told them that sometimes I cry in the shower because I am scared, beyond measure, that I might not get to be here to watch them grow up, graduate, or get married. Then I explained that not being a part of their lives felt like I was slowly dying and that was no life at all.

The greatest joy I have ever experienced was the day I married Scott and each day we welcomed a new baby into our family. That joy was then felt each time I watched them achieve a new accomplishment or goal. I didn’t want to miss anymore of those moments because there are no guarantees. There were tears from all of us and a few questions that they wanted to ask. Was it helpful? I don’t know. I pray that it was. I pray that the Lord is going to answer my prayers and help my three babies endure whatever lies ahead for me.

This has been a tough week for me. If you are reading this I just ask that you be kind. I beg you to remember that all of us are going through something. My trials are not harder than yours, they are just different. So many of us hurt inside without ever expressing the pain that we hold tight. I am going to try to be better about expressing my own feelings. I am not fine, though I often say I am, but I desperately want to be.